


Resistance

by orphan_account



Category: Kaiser Chiefs, The Voice (UK) RPF
Genre: Alix tries to mend it, Bisexuality, Homophobic Language, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, Ricky has a broken heart, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8715733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Is our secret safe tonight?And are we out of sight?Or will our world come tumbling down?Alix applied for The Voice on a whim one miserable day in September. She never expected the journey that was about to begin. A story of love, betrayal and Ricky Wilson.





	1. Chapter 1

I was nervous, hands shaking and palms sweaty. My throat felt dry no matter how much water I drank and the words to James Bay's _Let It Go_ continued to get jumbled inside my head. I strummed my guitar, going through the song over and over again until it was just perfect. I had to ace this. After three long months of practising and initial auditions, it was finally the day that I got to audition in front of the coaches.

"Okay, they're ready for you." One of the assistants said as I had a microphone shoved into my hands and I was pushed in front of the gradually opening doors. I looked around at the packed audience and walked onto the stage. I was sweating again, my eyes blinded by the bright lights and anxiety bubbling from the amount of cameras on me.

I looked at the crowds in front of me and smiled before my eyes gazed over the chairs. Will.I.Am, Boy George, Paloma Faith and Ricky Wilson. I reminded myself to breath and then started to strum my guitar, eyes shut and mind getting lost in the music. This was just me in my bedroom again, no one seeing or hearing. Just me in my own little world. No audience, no cameras and no coaches.

My bubble burst when there was the loud noise of a chair turning, just as the second verse began. I opened my eyes and looked at Paloma who was kindly smiling at me. I smiled back at her and continued to sing, voice sounding more powerful when I realised I only had one of the four coaches wanting me. I put everything into it, eyes shutting again so I could concentrate on not fucking up.

I was onto the bridge. There was only twenty seconds of the song left. I kept my eyes shut and all concentration on the long, high note that was coming up. I reached it and hit it as best as I could, the audience cheering and another loud noise filling the room. I stopped playing and opened my eyes, hands moving to the microphone stand so I could sing without my guitar. George sat grinning at me, Ricky and Will still unturned. I knew that one of them would turn, I had watched the performances from the year before and Ricky always turned for acts like me, Will not so much, but Ricky defiantly would. I ran out of lyrics just as there was another noise and Ricky's chair turned. He was sat on the buzzer, hands clapping along with the audience and the other coaches who were also applauding.

I'd done it. Three of the coaches had turned for me. 

I took a step back in shock as the audience began to cheer me on. I covered my face with my hands and felt tears fill my eyes as I heard heels come up the steps, Paloma engulfing me into a tight and reassuring hug.

"Well done, that was so incredible!" She whispered and I pulled away, wiping my eyes.  I gave her a smile and then looked over to where Ricky was walking up the stairs to me. He too hugged me tightly, chin resting on my shoulder.

"You were amazing. Please don't cry." He whispered, hand gently rubbing my back. I breathed in the scent of his cologne and then pulled away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. He plucked his handkerchief from his jacket pocket and gave it to me so I could wipe away my tears. I thanked him and then watched him return to his chair.

"Hi, my name is Alix Gardner, I'm 24 and from Brighton." I smiled and looked at the coaches before wiping my eyes again, annoyed that I had allowed myself to cry.  Ricky was looking straight at me, a content and fond smile on his face. I felt butterflies begin to erupt in my stomach and his calm eyes soothed my nerves.

"You probably saw that I turned last. Why? I was so engrossed in the sound of your voice I'd spaced out and forgotten that I hadn't turned." There was a laugh from the audience. "I would love to work with you. I know I have nothing to offer you compared to these two but what I can give you is all of my time, all of my knowledge and all of my focus. I can't get you a record contract or a performance at Wembley," there was another laugh from the audience. "but I really would love to work with you, Alix. I haven't got anything like you on my team and I really think you would complete it. Your voice is so beautiful and like nothing I've heard before - you're unique, exquisite." I blushed bright pink at his comments and thanked him, his handkerchief held tightly in my left hand.

"That was amazing, Alix. When I was 24 I was still working in a bar and you're up here doing this. You should be so proud of yourself." There was applauding from the audience. "Don't listen to Ricky, it's the eyes that always tempts his ladies in." There was laughing and Ricky shook his head, covering his eyes.

"I can see why." I added with a grin, looking over at Ricky and then Paloma who was laughing.

"But, Alix. I can really bring your voice up to top standard. It will be easy, I mean a few tweaks here and there but nothing too major. Plus, I think we'd have a lot of fun together. I'd love for you to join team Paloma." The audience clapped again and I thanked her, then looking over to Will.

"That was dope! I've never heard that song before but I'm sure that was better than the original." The audience cheered in agreement. "I'm sorry I didn't turn but my team is already full so I, like, couldn't." He told me and I nodded with a smile

"That's fine, Will. Though it would have been dope to have been on you team" I said with a grin and the audience chuckled at my attempt to be cool.

"Now, Alix. I thought your performance was unbelievable and your voice is so stunning. However, I'm not sure what I can offer you that these guys can't except from experience. I've been in his business for a long time and truly know the ins and outs of it but you would be better with one of the youngsters over there." I nodded and smiled in reply to George's comment. "I love you, your voice is incredible, but I really think one of the other coaches would be better for you. You would be welcome on team George to matter what, though." He said and I nodded along, giving him a kind smile.

"It means so much that you even turned for me, George." I told him and the audience awed.

Now it was time to make my decision. I had known form the very beginning that it had to be Paloma that lead me throughout the competition. But perhaps Ricky and I would work well together; he seemed to like me after all. I paused to think and looked at the four of them, eyes wandering over to Ricky who had his palms pressed together and chin on his thumbs, like he was praying. Paloma was grinning at me, almost too confident that I was going to choose her. The crowd too were sure with chants of Paloma coming from them.

"Thank you all so much for turning. I would love to work with all of you but I've made my decision and the coach I'm going to pick is..." I paused and looked at the four of them. Ricky had his eyes fixed on mine, hands still in the same position. He really did want me on his team. Will and George pointed at Paloma, the crowds beginning to quieten. My eyes flicked to Ricky again and he gave me a nod of defeat, a small smile on his face.

"Ricky." I grinned. The other three looked at each other in shock and the audience collectively gasped before applauding. It took a few seconds for it to register with Ricky but when it did, he ran up the stairs to me, lifting me slightly off the floor and tightly hugging me. I pressed my face into his neck and shut my eyes, hugging him back as he gently put me down.

"Thank you, you've made my day." He whispered into my hair before slowly pulling away. He led me down the steps, holding my hand before I went over to the other judges and shook their hands. I gave Paloma a hug and told her I was sorry for not going on her team before returning to Ricky. He took my hand and then lead me off towards the exit.

"We're going to work so well together, Alix. I'm so thankful that you picked me." He told me, letting go of my hand. We had another hug before I went back into the backstage pit where Emma was waiting for me, a big grin on her face.

"Welcome to the show! Team Ricky, ey? We can't wait to see more from you." She said with a smile. I thanked her before one of the producers spoke to me and I was whisked away to have some photos taken.

*

I arrived back home in Brighton just before midnight and turned my phone back on for the first time since before my audition. I was met by an influx of notifications from Twitter and Instagram, seeing that fans of The Voice and some of Ricky's fans had followed me. However, a few were more prominent.

_Ricky Wilson (@rickontour) started following you._

_@rickontour is now following you!_

_@TheVoiceUK is now following you!_

_@Palomafaith is now following you!_

I clicked onto Twitter and went onto my account, seeing my followers had gone up to 439 in the last few hours, my count only being 397 this morning. A blue banner then popped up at the bottom of the screen and I tapped it.

_Ricky Wilson has sent you a message: Hey Alix – hope you got home alright. Your performance today was amazing – you should be proud of yourself! I'm planning a get together of all my team soon. I'll let you know details when I know them. Rx_

I blushed heavily and looked up, seeing a taxi had pulled up in front of me. I got in and went back to looking at my phone, eyes scanning the message a few more times.

"The pier, please." I told the driver as I slammed the door shut and did up my belt. I typed a reply to Ricky, not wanting to prematurely embarrass myself.

_Message to Ricky Wilson: Hey Ricky! How did you manage to track me down? Thanks – it means so much that you even turned for me! I'm free whenever, just give me a place and date and I'll be there! X_

Perhaps the kiss was too much? Would he take the message the wrong way? Or maybe he thought it was just me being friendly. But then, he had sent me one. It would be fine.

I tapped send.

I tucked my phone back into my bag and then looked out the window for the rest of the journey back to my house. Once I had gotten home I went straight to my bedroom, tugging my high heels from my feet and tying up my hair. The make up team had smothered me in expensive cosmetics prior to the mini photo shoot, ensuring I looked like anyone but myself. I didn't mind seeing as my sister regularly did the same to me but it really is impossible to remove waterproof mascara without something more heavy duty than a makeup wipe.

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, scrubbing away at my tired eyes in an attempt to remove the layers of mascara, my attention immediately diverted when my phone lit up.

_Ricky Wilson has sent you a message: Not that many Alix Gardners exist, surprisingly! I would have turned no matter what you sang - you're that good! Alright. The final auditions are next Friday so it will be some time after then I suspect. Feel free to message me any time you need to Rx_

_Message to Ricky Wilson: No, I do seem to be the only one. Thank you, Ricky. It means the world. Speak soon! x_

Perhaps slightly too forward once again but I didn't care - being able to talk to Ricky was something that I had never thought I would be able to do again. But now I was on his team, and he really liked me. This was more than I could have ever dreamed of.


	2. Chapter 2

Three weeks later and I was on the train back to London, ready to meet the rest of team Ricky and be reunited with the man himself. We had arranged to have a team meeting a few days before but that had fallen through. Ricky and I had messaged each other occasionally, mainly just to inform me of the gathering and for the occasional check in that I was alright. It was at the meeting when we were going to be put into our pairs and be given our song for the battles. If we went through past the knockouts then we were to be relocated to a complex in Elstree so we could be closer to the studios for rehearsals. The live section of the series didn't air for six week still so there was no point in us moving into the apartments just yet. However, I could see the commute being expensive and boring by the end of my time on the show.

I arrived in central London just after half past eleven. We were meeting Ricky at Somerset House at midday, the tube taking just under ten minutes. I didn't panic. I knew that panicking about being late would only increase my anxiety once I was in the meeting.

The weather outside of the station was hideous and I had left my umbrella back at home, meaning I just had to grin and bear the rain and wind. Mind, it wasn't surprising as it was only a matter of days until Christmas. The weather was foul, the streets were crammed and my shoes were giving me blisters already.

I had always really liked London but the holiday period was always hell. I would go up to have a wander through Hyde Park and, if I was feeling it, pop into Winter Wonderland but would always come out feeling anxious and a lot less at peace than I had before I entered. Last year, I had skipped Hyde Park altogether and instead made my way down the mall and to Oxford Street to admire the Christmas lights, an experience that I would also never want to do. It too had left me anxious and never wanting to go to central London again. The streets had been packed and the shops were crammed with tourists and Londoners who were doing their final bits of Christmas shopping. I had vowed to never come to London in December ever again but under these circumstances it was hard to stick to that.

I reached Somerset House and stood watching the people twirl around on the ice rink which had been erected outside. Loud Christmas music was thumping through the speakers and making my head ache. I looked down at my watch and then hurried inside, going into the reception area and giving the doorman a smile. He stared back at me and I looked around, noting that there was no one sat behind the desk. 

"Are you here for Mr Wilson's meeting?" I looked over at the woman who was making her way over to me, heels clicking on the marble floor. She must have been in her late forties, her heavy Botox making her look like an aged barbie doll. I put my hair brush back into my bag and looked at her, watching the way she looked me up and down.

"Yes, I am. Alix Gardner." I told her and she looked down at her clipboard, lips in a pout. She looked back up at me and gestured for me to follow her.

We made our way through the corridors of the house, expensive paintings in even more expensive gold frames hung on the walls and marble floors were well polished. The idea of there being any dust in the entire building seemed absurd. It was as if as soon as a particle was in the air, one of the many cleaners had hoovered it up. All in all, it was too tidy and too luxurious for my liking. It didn't scream Ricky to me either. I had imagined that our meeting would be held in a little cafe somewhere in Camden or Notting Hill. Somewhere cosy and warm, not vast and cold.

The woman took me into a room where some other people were milling about. They looked over at me and I smiled awkwardly, sitting down in one of the leather chairs planted around the large wooden table. There was a few people sat around me of varying ages, but it was already clear that I was the youngest. I looked over to the door and then got out my phone, going onto Twitter and scrolling though my feed.

_11.58 @rickontour: Big #TeamRicky meeting today. Cannot wait for you to meet them. Think I've got the winner._

I favourited the tweet and then placed my phone back on the table, a few more contestants entering looking just as windswept and dreadful as myself. A man in his thirties sat beside me and picked up one of the water bottles from the centre of the table, giving me a look and then looking back to the door where everyone was patiently awaiting Ricky's arrival.

Ricky arrived a few minutes later, just after the last contestant. He was followed by one of the producers and his PR. He looked handsome, hair gelled back and beard trimmed shorter than it was during the auditions. His eyes and leather jacket were both a bright blue, a grin on his face.

"Hey team!" He said and then sat down at the top of the table, only a seat away from me. Everyone else took their seat around the table, Ricky's PR and the producer sitting in two chairs in the corner. "Good to see you all, hope you've all had a bit of a chat." He smiled and the group exchanged looks. I was clearly not the only one being ignored. "Not that it really matters because half of you won't be here by the end of January." There was a nervous laugh from the group and Ricky looked around at us, suspicious of something. "Right, moving on. The groups. Now, I've got the list here of who's paired with who and what you're singing. We do this bit now so we can make any changes if the songs don't work or the pairings don't work. I think they should, though. They're very well thought out." I could tell from his voice that something was wrong. He sounded bored and completely monotone. His eyes were still bright and lips pulled into a smile but something was up.

He quickly went through the list of names, giving the pairs lyric sheets and the day when they would meet with Ricky for him to 'review' their performance. The pairs were called one by one until just me and another woman, Rachel, were left. She was mid thirties and caked in heavy make-up, boobs almost popping out from the deep v of her t-shirt. She twirled her hair whilst Ricky was talking to us and giggled in a way that was neither cute nor sexy. It was clear she wanted to impress Ricky with her looks but he simply ignored her actions and continued talking in his same, monotone voice. He told us we would be doing an acoustic version of _Goodbye Kiss_ by _Kasabian_ and that I would be playing the guitar. Thankfully, I was fine with that. Rachel, not so much.

"How come she gets to do something extra but I don't?" She asked, arms folded and eyes glaring at me. Ricky sighed and rubbed his face with his hands.

"Can you play an instrument or something, Rachel?" He sounded completely fed up. I was worried about him. I mean, I didn't know him personally but from the interviews and the videos, he always seemed so lively and happy. He was never miserable like this.

"No bu-" Ricky sighed and stood up.

"Then what was the point in bringing it up, huh? She can play the guitar. It's an acoustic song so we need a guitar to be played. You can play the tambourine or something." He huffed with a shrug, putting his jacket on. "Are we sorted here, ladies?" He asked and I looked over at Rachel who tutted and shrugged. "Good. Friday, 6th January at Elstree. I'll get in contact with you both before then if I can. Have a good day." He gave us both a smile and then left. Rachel continued to stare at me as I picked up the papers and my bag, going after Ricky.

"Ricky?" I called, catching up with him as he made his way down the hallway. He stopped and turned to look at me, smiling forcefully. "What's up?" I asked slowly as I approached him, my hand reaching out to gently touch his bicep. He looked back at me and sighed, hands rubbing his face.

"Nothing or you to worry about, okay? Just leave it." He said and shrugged my hand off. He turned his head and kept walking, getting his phone from his pocket and immediately bringing it to his ear, talking to someone down the line as he walked away. I stood watching him, frown on my face and hand dropping down to my side. I knew that it was none of my business

"Are we gunna practice this shit or not?" I turned when I heard Rachel behind me, her crimson lips in a pout. "I mean, I don't need to but you might." She laughed and I frowned.

"I'll see you on the 6th." I uttered and went in the way Ricky had gone.

*

_Message from Ricky Wilson: Sorry for snapping at you earlier. I was just in a bad mood - I didn't mean anything by it. Thank you for caring. Rx_

It was half seven and I had just gotten home. My train had been delayed by three hours and I was exhausted, the though of going back to work tomorrow seeing impossible. I hated the woman I was in a team with, the song didn't quite fit my voice and Ricky had put me against a woman who as by far one of the weakest. Maybe it was all just flattery? Theoretically, he loved me enough he would have put me against one of the strongest. I wasn't going to ask him but there was probably going to be a reason.

_Message to Ricky Wilson: No worries. Hope you've cheered up a bit now. See you soon x_

Ricky never replied and I retired to my bed, Kasabian ringing trough my ears until I finally managed to fall asleep, all the while, still worried about Ricky.


	3. Chapter 3

I was singing the first verse, Rachel the second. The choruses were a collective effort, however I got given the last line of the song to sing. The plan for me to play the guitar still stood and Rachel had taken up Ricky's joke offer of playing the tambourine. She still didn't like me and I was yet to warm to her either, even though we had spoken on the telephone almost every day after I'd finished work. She had begged me to let her sing the last line, saying that she didn't want me to mess up the song for her and she would sing it a lot better, even though it was not really that different to any other line in the song. In reality, she was probably worried I was going to steal the show, even though I knew I wouldn't.

I had spoken to Ricky over the holiday period. He had wished me a merry Christmas and had explained why he had put me against Rachel. He turned for her accidentally and therefore was left with her filling a spot on his team. She'd put me against her because he really didn't want to lose me and our voices were mildly compatible. Even if I fucked up, I would still do better then her; at least that's what Ricky had told me.

January 6th came quickly. I had just managed to scrape another day off work, my boss not too happy about losing his head of design for yet another day. God knows how he would cope when, if, I got to the finals and I would be off work for almost a month. That was a bridge I would cross when it came to it; for now I just wanted to focus on the battles.

I arrived at the studio in central London just after one, Ricky already waiting for us. I hugged him and sat beside him on the sofa, my fingers drumming my thigh. I looked up and him and he looked back at me, exchanging a smile that made my confidence well. Ricky had the most beautiful smile; it was infectious and made me want to smile too. When he didn't smile, I was worried. The effect he had on me was weird, bearing in mind I had only known him for a few weeks. But now he was my coach, I felt like I had this bond with him, a bond that two friends had.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" He asked me, clearly wanting to start a conversation to pass the time. I didn't mind in the slightest; from the short Twitter chars we had had, I already knew that he was a deeply interesting and sensitive guy with a lot to talk about. I could gleefully talk to him all day, whether it was to pass time or just for pleasure. He never came across as the bratty rock star that all of the papers described him as, but instead a calm and soothing zen like figure. I assumed that this, as well as the little creases by his eyes when he smiled, was why I fancied him.

"Yes, it was fine thanks." It wasn't fine, really. My parents had fallen out, I had been left to pick up the pieces and our dog, Rufus, had died. It was anything but fine but Ricky didn't have to know. He was the one that did all of the deep talking and story telling, I just stayed content and secretive. I liked it that way. "Yours?" The mindless and awkward chitchat was beginning to become cringe worthy. We sat on far sides of the sofa, chatting to each other and trying to not comment on the fact Rachel was twenty minutes late, her being an hour early to our last meeting. I assumed it was traffic and she would soon turn up in a boob tube and a different shade of red lipstick.

"I wonder where she's got to." He said, turning to the door and then looking back to me, arm stretching over the back of the sofa. His fingers gently touched my hair and I looked over at him, ever so slightly leaning into the soft touch. "Sorry." He mumbled and then moved his hand away, not wanting to make me uncomfortable.

"It's fine. Go ahead, if you want." I chuckled and then looked over to the door which opened, Rachel stepping inside and looking at us both. I gave Ricky a glance and then looked over to where Rachel was stood, body tightly hugged by a bodycon dress a few sizes too small and feet hidden by glossy high heels.

"Hey Ricky." She grinned, twirling her hair with her finger, eyes then looking over to me. She gave me a nod and then sat down between us, hand on Ricky's thigh. "You're going to love what I've done to the song." She said with a grin and I stood, going over to get my guitar which was leaning against the wall.

"Shall we start rehearsing?" I asked and Ricky nodded, also standing up and moving away from Rachel, choosing to lean against the wall. "Rachel?" I asked and she huffed, standing and picking up my copy of the lyrics which were resting on the coffee table. She read over them and then looked at me.

"Go on then, start!" She said, Ricky giving me another look. He seemed almost apologetic. I shrugged in reply and began to strum the guitar, singing my verse as I did so. I continued playing as Rachel and I sung the chorus, her voice going all over the place and completely missing the point in the song. There was no emotion, just a showcase of her vocal range. Ricky was just as unimpressed as I was, going by the look on his face.

"Stop, stop." He commanded as Rachel got into the third line of her verse. "You're doing it all wrong, Rachel! This song is about torture and heartbreak, about moving on from a broken relationship. Not happy, just so you can show off your vocal range. You need to put more emotion into the song." He said, Rachel looking shocked that Ricky didn't like what she was doing. "This isn't the right song to do that sort of voice work. It's flat, emotional. It's meant to make the audience cry." He sighed and looked at me, offering me a half arsed smile. "Alix, you're doing brilliantly. Keep going on like that." He said and I nodded, earning a glare from Rachel. "In fact, run through the song by yourself for me, would you? I want to give Rachel more of an idea on how to do it." I looked up at him, eyebrows raised but nodded anyway.

I played the song through, singing every word with all I had, eyes on the strings of my guitar as I sang. When I looked after strumming the last note, Ricky had tears running down his face and Rachel looked close to crying. She offered me a genuine smile and nodded, looking at Ricky.

"There's no way I'm going to be as good as her, Ricky." She sighed, the elder man wiping the tears away and looking at Rachel, then to me. "I can try but that was... Something else." She mumbled and I smiled awkwardly, placing my guitar down and flicking my eyes between Rachel and Ricky.

"Don't say that. I'm sure you can. Just listen to the song, research it a bit and then slow down, take every word as it comes." I told her and she nodded. "It takes time, but it's worth it."

Ricky quietly slipped out the room and we were left on our own in total silence. Rachel had sat back down and was reading through the lyrics as I plucked and strummed out my strings, playing some variation of _Wooden Boat_ by Take That to kill time. We couldn't do anything together without Ricky in the room, it was the rules. We had our hour and then it would be separation again until the recorded rehearsal on Sunday. It was only a few days away but that could make all the difference.

Ricky entered the room, eyes now dry and a smile on his lips. He looked at the pair of us and we looked back at him, all in silence until I started to strum my guitar again, Rachel and I naturally singing our parts to the song.

It had gone better that time. Rachel was slower and her voice was calmer but not as raw as Ricky wanted. We went through it a few times more but there was still no change, but the small change we had made was enough to make Ricky happy and made the song bearable for the recorded rehearsal.

Twenty minutes later and we were packing up to leave, Ricky talking to Rachel about how to change some of the unnecessary high notes and how to strengthen her voice on the longer notes. Whilst doing so, I packed my guitar away and put away the stuff I had taken from my bag. Once Rachel had left, Ricky sat on the sofa beside me, eyes intensely watching my hands reorder the contents my bag.

"You were unbelievable today, Alix. Your performance was so raw and truthful that it was hard to believe you didn't write the song." He said, eyes travelling up to my face. I flicked him a gaze and then zipped my bag up. "It was hard for me to hear, really. I've only just broken up with my girl so it was all a bit... Fresh." He said with a sad laugh and I frowned, tilting my head to look at him.

"Is that why you were so upset during the meeting?" I asked him and he nodded. I sighed and sat down beside him, wrapping arm around him awkwardly. Rick had never mention a girlfriend to me, and now I was left with him sat looking on the verge of tears and nothing to go off of. I instead just sat and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Oh Ricky I'm so sorry." He was beginning to cry, small sobs leaving his lips. I sighed and pulled him close, allowing him to cry as I hugged him close, his strong arms wrapping around me as well. We stayed like that for a long time, long enough for him to stop crying and vaguely compose himself. His eyes were still bloodshot and puffy but that was nothing a trip to the bathroom couldn't fix. He pulled away and looked at me with a smile, wiping away the tears that were left on his cheeks.

"Thank you for that, Alix. It's hard to keep it in all the time, you know? Shit just gets on top of you and you've got to crumble eventually." He said after clearing his throat. He then pressed his lips to my forehead and I felt a gentle tug in my stomach. I hummed in surprise and smiled, . He pulled away and looked at me. "I- I'm sorry I should have asked." His voice was panicked and I shook my head, gently rubbing his biceps in an attempt to reassure him.

"It's fine, Ricky, honestly. I promise." I said and smile at him as he nodded, rubbing his face with his large hands. "Now, haven't you got some more groups to see?" I asked and he nodded. I stood and picked up my bag, keeping it on the crook of my arm. Ricky also stood and looked down at me. "Come here." I sighed, seeing how Ricky was still sniffling, a frown on his face. I wrapped my free arm around him and gently rubbed his back. "You're better than your ex, I promise." I whispered and he nodded, pulling away. "I'll see you on Sunday, yeah?" I asked with a smile and he nodded, letting out a sad sigh. "Message me any time you want to, alright?" I told him and I went over to pick up my guitar. I put the strap over my shoulder and looked back at him.

"I will." He assured me and I then left, beginning my journey back to Brighton.

_2:11 @rickontour: Love is always reserved for the kindest of people. x_


	4. Chapter 4

It was odd for us to have the cameras on us whilst we performed again. Neither Rachel nor I wanted to fuck up and embarrass ourselves on national television, even though it would be edited out if it was too messy. We spent most of the morning filming our rehearsals and the awkward group talking section. An hour into our rehearsal, Ricky told us that we had to mess up at some point just to make our performances look less clean and unrehearsed. I missed a chord here and there and Rachel started too late at one point, Ricky reassuring us that there was nothing wrong with messing up and that we would both be just brilliant on the night.

The session was no where near as fun as they always made it look on the TV; it was long and laborious and made me never want to play the guitar ever again. The skin on the top of my fingers was beginning to break and bleed, plus my throat was sore and my voice was beginning to get croaky. I knew I had over practiced and had to rest for the next few days, because otherwise I would mess up my throat completely.

As well as rehearsing for Wednesday's performance, I met Lizzie, my make-up artist, and Grace, the team's stylist. Grace had been given the brief by Ricky of making me the cliché good girl gone bad on the team and had managed to squeeze me into leather trousers and a shirt prior to filming. Grace was in her early thirties and dressed like you would imagine a stylist to, in a leather jacket and a boxy navy jumpsuit. I suppose we looked similar, both tall with dark hair and mediocre brown eyes. She was sweet but completely ignored me every time I so mentioned the word Ricky. I assumed that the two had some sort of bad blood. I stopped mentioning him to her.

Lizzie, on the other hand, was your stereotypical Essex girl. She wandered around in a short dress and pretty high heels with her face that could have come straight of the runway. She was gorgeous; with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She never stopped smiling and had a high laugh that was both infectious and pure joy to listen to. I already knew that I was going to get on well with her. It was either the personality clash or the fact I had never met someone quite as happy as her before.

Liz had decided to let my make up stay as it was, deciding that it worked with the outfit I was forced into. However, Rachel came back transformed. Instead of being in her usual tight, revealing dresses she was in a floral tunic and leggings which both suited her body and made it look less like she was trying to coax Ricky in and more, well, middle aged. Once we stepped into the studio, Rick had chosen to make no comment on her appearance and had instead uttered something under his breath the moment his eyes met mine and then went off to speak to the man who was in the process of tuning my guitar. I chose to not ask him what he had said and instead let it slide; it was probably irrelevant.

Ricky and I had barely had any time to talk one on one during the day, only exchanging a few looks during the performance and him giving me a wink after I hit one of the notes I had been unable to before. He was happy with the way the performance was going and let us go home a lot earlier than the other groups, meaning that I was home just after five. He had messaged me that night, apologising for not being that interactive and informing me that he was looking forward to our performance in front of the audience. He didn't answer my question about why Grace had changed all of our appearances, though.

I was yet to disclose my panic disorder to Ricky, instead choosing to nod along to what Rachel was saying about being excited for the big performance. I hadn't been overly nervous for my audition and that was the one that mattered the most so in theory, I wouldn't get nervous for this one as I knew that I wasn't going home. I did feel sorry for Rachel as she had gotten a lot better since her audition, that being clear from the fact Ricky was complimenting her off screen rather than on screen. I was slightly jealous as he had been giving her a lot of attention and had been almost ignoring me, only speaking to me when I asked him a question.

His affection towards me couldn't last forever and I was just grateful that he was kind to me for even a little while. At the end of the day, all he was was my coach, not my friend. No matter how much I wanted us to be friends and how much I fancied him, if the feeling wasn't mutual then there was nothing more I could do. I just had to let it go.

*

I was relieved to get home. It had been a hectic day and I spent almost every moment of it longing to get back into bed. I dumping my bag down at the door and went up to my bedroom, laying sprawled out on my bed and twisting my aching ankle in a circle. I would lay down for a bit, have a bath, go through the song a few more times and then get an early night. Nights like that were my favourite; I had nothing to worry about apart from getting the temperature of my bath just right and could spend the night relaxing and trying not to panic about the amount of preparation I had to do for work.

I laid there for a while until my phone began to buzz from where it was charging beside my bed. I picked it up, seeing I had a FaceTime request from an unknown number. I pressed my thumb to the camera and then answered, looking at the screen and then seeing Ricky's face pop up, Simon beside him. I rose my eyebrows and then took my thumb away, smiling at the two men.

"Christ, hello!" I said with a grin, giving the two a wave. Simon looked at Ricky and smiled, whispering something to him which made my mentor blush. "How are you both? Why are you calling me?" I asked and then sat up, running a hand through my hair and looking at Ricky whose eyes were glittering.

"Ricky has been talking about you non stop since he got to the studio." Simon paused and the pair looked off screen to a third person who was talking. The two then looked back to me. "About your performance, I mean. We, I, was wondering if maybe you could give us a play?" He said and I laughed, nodding. "He's been banging on about how brilliant 'his Alix' is and frankly, we were a bit fed up of not getting to see her, you, in person." He said as Ricky stood up and disappeared, talking to someone before laughing loudly, Peanut then sitting in his place.

"I can if you want me to, it's no bother. And when you say we?" I asked, then standing and fetching my guitar from where it was lent against the wall. I slung it over my shoulder and then sat back down, propping my phone up against a pillow.

"By we I mean the other four Kaiser Chiefs." Peanut said and I nodded, smiling at him as they moved the camera back, Whitey and VJ then appearing on screen. "Oi, come on Rick. She's your girl, don't you wanna support her?" Peanut called, the four men looking up to Ricky who I could hear talking to them from a different part of the room.

"Ricky's being difficult." VJ hummed, the three laughing before Ricky appeared, sitting down between VJ and Whitey, the five men sat squished together on the sofa. "Alright, there we are. Here's your lovely Alix, Ricky." He said, knocking shoulders with the ginger man who rolled his eyes.

"Just go ahead when you're ready, Ali." He said with a smile and I nodded, beginning to strum and then sing, almost forgetting to sing the verse that Rachel was. I looked up occasionally, seeing the men smiling at me, watching intently. I soon finished and was met by the five of them applauding me. I placed my guitar back down and grinned, bashfully covering my face with my hands. "See, didn't I say she was bloody brilliant, lads?" Ricky said and the four nodded.

"I thought she was going to be good but not that good, Rick!" Peanut commented, beaming. Ricky smiled at me and winked, making me blush. The other men laughed and I shook my head, standing up so I could go and put my guitar away. "I can see why you fancy her too, mate. She's beautiful." The five had obviously assumed I couldn't hear them. I stood still, hand over my mouth and listened.

"Yeah, she is. Really gorgeous and so sweet too." Ricky told him with a sigh. "I'll talk to her once we get to the knockouts. Just make sure that I don't rush again." He mumbled.

"We're here for you whatever, mate." Simon told him before I sat back down and smiled at them. "You're back! Where'd you go?" Simon asked, Ricky fondly smiling at me. I guess my earlier thoughts about him not really caring about me anymore were totally wrong.

"Just went to put my guitar away." I told him. "Anyway, how did you get my number, Ricky? Didn't think you had access to contestants applications." I asked and he shrugged.

"Desperate times and that." He answered and I chuckled, giving him warm smile.

The six of us spoke for a little while longer before the boys had to go back to recording. They wished me well and hung up, leaving me sat on my bed with a grin on my face and eyes tired. I clicked on Ricky's number and saved it to my contacts, deciding to text him as I ran my bath.

_Alix: By the way, the feeling is mutual. See you on Wednesday. x_

_Ricky: So you heard, then? I thought you did. I look forward to seeing you, Ali. Rx_


	5. Chapter 5

I had been fired. My boss was getting fed up with the regularity of my days off and the lack of commitment to my role. Initially, I was upset, but had soon come to terms with the fact I would be alright. My house was my own and not rented, my uni-fees had already been paid off and my savings would keep me going until I found a new job. However, if I won The Voice I doubt I would have to worry about a job for a few years. It would be just fine, I knew it would be.

I arrived at Elstree studios with two of Will's team not long after 9am. It was raining and cold, the miserable weather dampening my otherwise jolly mood. I had always found rain theraputic and would always choose it over the thick humidity of summer. The cold was also something I liked and I would much rather pile on layer upon layer rather than sit in my underwear in front of a fan trying to stop sweat coming from every pore.

We were led into the studio by Sophia, one of the youngest members of the production team. Ricky greeted me with a tight squeeze, his arms staying around me for a lot longer than I deemed friendly. I hugged him back for just the same amount of time, beaming to myself.

"Good morning, Mr Wilson. How are you?" I asked him as he sat down on the large sofa and invited me to sit beside him. I did so and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"All the better for seeing you, Ali. I trust you're well?" He asked and I nodded, smiling. He pulled me closer and I relaxed into his side, making myself comfortable.

We had spoken a lot during our time apart and he had FaceTimed me on Monday evening to comfort me after I broke the news to him that I was now jobless. The chat had been long and fun, he had told me all about the new songs that they were writing and the amount of preparation he was having to do for their upcoming UK tour which was beginning the day after the final. He was a good listener and I had had a very long vent to him about how much I hated my work and Rachel, who had been constantly texting me. I felt a lot better after the call and had a long and very relaxing sleep.

"The others will be here soon so I want to get this off my chest now, alright?" He said slowly and I nodded, scooting around to look at him properly, admiring his eyes and long lashes. "I fancy you, I really do. I think you're so beautiful and you're so kind, you have such a gentle soul." His voice was soft and he was talking quickly, clearly nervous about what he was saying. He paused and breathed out slowly. "Do you want to go and get dinner tonight? Just the two of us." He asked hopefully, eyes hidden behind his thick lashes. He was looking down, utterly bashful and clearly fearing rejection. God, how could I say no? He was the kindest and most genuine person I had ever met and I would happily go out to dinner with him every night for the rest of our lives, just so he could tell me another story about his time at University or something funny Peanut had done the day before.

"I'd like that, Ricky. " I told him with a smile, taking his hand in mine. "I'd really like that." He sighed and then hugged me again, making me grin. "I never held you down as the cuddly type." I chuckled and he laughed too, pulling away when the door opened and a few more members of the team, Kevin and Kitty, entered and greeted Ricky with a wave before going to get their bottles from the fridge.

"So tonight, yeah? After the recording. We can go into central London and have dinner somewhere. There's a new restaurant in Soho we could go to? It's meant to do the most amazing burgers." Ricky suggested, voice quiet so the other two couldn't hear what we were saying. The idea of going on a date with Ricky was unbelievable. To think he would want to even though we had known each other a six weeks was mind blowing. But it was just dinner. Maybe things wouldn't work out and it would all just be a big waste of time? I guess we would just have to see how it went.

Rachel arrived just before half nine along with the rest of the group. Ricky had gone off to chat with some of the other members of the team, leaving me sat on the sofa playing my guitar, Rachel sat humming along beside me. We were first on after a pair from Paloma's team, meaning we would be performing at 11, giving the production team and photographer time to take updated photos of us individually and as a team.

I met with Lizzie and Grace again, Grace putting me into a short navy lace dress and high heels. We had had a short and general conversation whilst she was dressing me, both of us totally avoiding Ricky's name. She ended up changing my dress to white satin trousers and a matching bralet, covering the rest of me up with a powder pink duster coat, the same strappy black heels on my feet after we decided that the length of the dress was probably a bit too short. I looked in the mirror at myself, Grace stood behind me, scrutinising the fit of my trousers.

"You look lovely." A voice said from behind us as Grace adjusted my belt. We both looked over to the door where Ricky was lent against the door frame with my guitar in his hand. "You left this in the meeting room, I thought you might want it." He said and I smiled at him, walking over and taking my guitar from him

"Thanks, Rick." I said and then put it beside my handbag. "That all I can do-" I didn't finish my sentence as Ricky and Grace had begun to argue. I turned around and went over to them, seeing that Rick looked on the edge of hitting the stylist. "What the fuck?" I exclaimed, looking between the two of them. I had intervened, one hand on Ricky's chest and the other on Grace's collar. "Now can either of you tell me what's going on?" I asked, the two red with fury.

"She's just jealous because she's not getting my full attention anymore, Ali. Don't let her get to you." He sighed and I took my hands away from the two of them, taking a step back. "Grace is my ex-girlfriend." Ricky said after a moment of silence. Grace looked at me and then turned to go back to her wardrobe, getting out the clothes for the next performer and muttering _worst mistake of my life_ as she did so. I grabbed my bag and guitar from behind me and then followed Ricky out of the room, looking up at him.

"Are you okay, Rick?" I asked softly, taking his wrist in my hand. "Please don't let her get to you. What did I say to you, eh? You're better than her, so much better than her." I told him and he looked back at me, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Come on. Lizzie worked hard on getting rid of those bags under your eyes for you, don't mess up her hard work!" I teased, grinning at him. He laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked through to the studio together.

*

"They're both desperate to win. First up, it's Alix Gardner." Emma said as I made my way onto the stage from the side of stage entrance, the audience cheering as I did so "Who's taking on Rachel Lewis!" Rachel came on stage and stood in front of her microphone, the audience and coaches cheering just as loud. I looked over to her and breathed deeply, giving her a smile. "Let the battle begin!" Emma announced as the lights went down and I began to strum my guitar, looking over to Ricky as I began to sing. Rachel tapped the tambourine against her leg as I sang, my mind enchanted by the lyrics of the song. We harmonised the la's and I sang every other line of the pre-chorus.

I had to sing the backing vocals for the first chorus but got to sing the entirety of the second. Fear began to bubble inside me as Rachel began her verse, voice perfectly controlled and performance far better than it had ever been before. What if I messed up and got kicked out of the competition? That couldn't happen. I looked over to Ricky, finding comfort in his tear filled eyes. That was when I realised all four of the judges, even Will, were crying.

The song came to an end and we both stood back from our microphones, listening to the applauds of the audience. Rachel came over to me and we hugged before going to the front of the stage and looking at the coaches. Ricky was mopping up his tears with his handkerchief whilst Paloma wiped hers away with a tissue.

"That was something else, girls. Ricky, I bet you're so proud." Emma said as she came on stage and wrapped an arm around Rachel, smiling at me and then at Ricky who was still wiping his tears away.

"I really am. That was amazing. I mean, they've been so good in the rehearsals but that was mind blowing." He said and smiled at us before wiping his face on the back of his hand.

"I really would not want to be in Ricky's position right now. I mean, Rachel you were so dope and your voice was so controlled but Alex" I decided to not pick up on the mispronunciation of my name "you really sounded like you knew every emotion between each word you were singing. That made it so fresh and raw. So I would choose Alex." I thanked him with a smile and then looked over at Paloma.

"Oh ladies that was so powerful! I never cry at performances, I promised myself I wouldn't cry at all during The Voice but it was hard not to after that." She sniffled again and the crowd awed. "I mean, Alix I love your voice and want to have it on repeat every day for ever and ever and that didn't change my view. It was so rich and emotional and gosh - who hurt you that bad that you know the ins and outs of the feelings behind that song?" She asked and I laughed, smiling at her. "And Rachel that was so much better than your audition. I'm so glad you didn't mess about too much with your voice and try and take control of the song. You too were really emotive but I have to say, I did prefer Alix's performance tonight." She said and I smiled at Rachel before looking at Paloma and mouthing _thank you_.

Ricky was looking at us both, his chin on his palms and elbows resting either side of his buzzer. His eyes were still so bright and beautiful even though they were bloodshot and sad. He was smiling at us softly, face kind. His eyes were flicking between us and I knew he was finding it hard to decide who to send through. His eyes lingered on me for a while, looking me up and down. He sighed and sat back.

"Girls that was unbelievable. Rachel that was the best you have ever performed and I am so proud of you. But Alix, I mean you continue to stun me and I just can't get enough of your voice. I mean, no one has ever made me cry like that on this show before so kudos to you." There was a laugh from the audience and I smiled at him, then walking forwards and taking Rachel's hand.

"Ricky, who have you chosen to be your winner of this battle?" Emma asked and I looked over at Rachel and then back to Ricky who was fidgeting about in his seat. He looked at me and smiled before turning back to Emma.

"The person I'm putting through to the knockouts is..." There was a long pause, my heart erratic and palms sweating. Emma took my hand with hers and took Rachel's with her other. "I'm putting through Alix." He said and Emma raised our arms up, my free arm reaching to cover my face as I began to tear up. The crowds were screaming and Emma had pulled me into a hug.

"Congratulations, Alix! How are you feeling." I took my hand away and smiled at her, fingers wiping away my tears. Emma gently rubbed my back and I sighed.

"I'm so shocked. Rachel is so amazing and I was fully convinced she would be going through. Ricky, thank you so much, I won't let you down." I said and looked over at Ricky, seeing how he was grinning.

"We can't wait to see you again! Alix Gardner, everyone!" Emma said and the crowds cheered. I went over to Rachel and hugged her awkwardly, my guitar getting in the way as we did so. I then went down to give Ricky a tight hug, whispering _thank you_ into his ear. He hugged me back and I then went off to the wings, watching to see if anyone stole Rachel. Sadly, no one did and the section was then over. Lizzie gave me a congratulatory hug before going on to correct Ricky's make-up from where he had been crying. However, her fixing was quickly interrupted by Ricky bounding off to come give me a proper cuddle, him lifting me off of my feet as he held me.

"You were utterly amazing, Ali. I'm so proud of you you can't understand. We're going to win this, you and me. I just know it." He said and then placed me down, kissing my forehead and looking around us at the crew who were unphased and went about setting the equipment up for the next pair.

"Hey, I'm not that good." I laughed and he raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

"You, Alix Gardner are the best contestant we have ever had on this show. No one has made Will.I.Am cry before so, you're clearly pretty fucking good." He said with a grin, then hugging me again when his name was called by one of the producers. "We'll be finished recording at five so stick around till then. I'm sure you've got contracts to sign and photos to take so you'll be kept busy." He chuckled, then giving me another squeeze and heading back to his chair.

I was through to the knockouts, plus Ricky and I were going on a date. Life was far too good for it to be true.


	6. Chapter 6

Recording ended just after five o'clock and Ricky came to collect me from his dressing room where I had spent most of my day. The room was vast with two black leather sofas against the right wall and a television streaming one of the cameras in the main auditorium on the left. The far wall had a door that led to a small bathroom and a mini fridge full of water bottles and fresh fruit. It was both luxurious and homely; what with the addition of scented candles dotted around the surfaces and Rick's 'normal' clothes laying in a heap by the door.

I had spent most of the day sat on one of the sofas watching the battles. Kevin, Christina, Aaron, Kitty, Lucy and myself had all gone through to the knockouts with Ricky stealing Theo and Bradley from George, compiling us into a strong team of eight. However, the competition was now harder than ever with me up against so many strong singers. Theo was the series' favourite with me coming forth, although that still didn't sway Ricky. He was determined that I, we, won.

Ricky got back just before half five. He greeted me with a kiss to the forehead and then went into the bathroom to get changed back into his comfortable clothes. My normal clothes were still with Grace and there was no way in hell I was going to speak to her again unless it was mandatory. She could keep my cheap clothes and I would keep my expensive ones. There was nothing against that in the contract I had signed this morning - I would much rather flaunt about in Phillip Lim than Topshop.

"You ready then, love?" Ricky asked as he came back into the main room, putting his clothes on the empty sofa. I stood up and nodded, slipping on my coat and picking up my bag, holding it on the crook of my arm. "My car is in the car park. I'll drive us into Soho - I managed to book a table when I was on my lunch break." He said as we left his dressing room and headed towards the car park. I ensured I stayed a few steps behind him, saying goodbye to Lizzie when she passed us. My greeting was returned by a nod towards Ricky and a wink to me. I laughed and then followed Ricky to his car. He opened the door for me and I got in, thanking him.

"So how were the other battles?" I asked Ricky as he got into the drivers seat and did his seat belt up, starting the car. "The bits I watched seemed good." I told him an he put his sunglasses on.

"Yeah, they were. I'm really happy with my team now. George has a very strong team, though. I'm quite worried about that but I have you so I know I'll be fine." He said with a smile, driving us onto the main road and speeding through the quiet streets until we reached the M25. We sang along to the radio and laughed at each other when we got the lyrics wrong to the new Stone Roses single. The atmosphere was warm and comfortable, and I was loving it. 

As always, Soho was busy. The streets were crammed with men and women dressed in expensive clothes and the hum of clubs and bars seemed to brighten up the entire area. Ricky had parked outside his management's office and we had walked the rest of the way, finding ourselves stood outside a members only restaurant filled with a selection of B-list celebrities. I hated London; It was more bold and lively than Brighton, but everyone seemed a lot more busy and less content and less in the moment. It was odd but I guessed I had to try and get used to it somehow. I'd be in London a lot for the next few months.

"You alright, Ali?" Ricky asked, noticing that I was staring into space. I turned and looked up at him, nodding and smiling. He wrapped an arm around my waist and smiled back at me, pulling me close. "We should be seated in a bit, they're just clearing a table." He told me and I nodded, looking into the restaurant. It was very modern, all marble and glass. The people in there were typical Soho folk, dressed up for a restaurant that seemed no different to GBK but I didn't mind. This new environment was exciting and so different to anything i had experienced before.

"Alright Mr Wilson, follow me." I looked up to where the waiter was stood, smiling at us both. Ricky took his arm from around me and took my hand instead, leading me into the restaurant and then to our table. I looked around, seeing a few members of the Made in Chelsea cast and made a mental note to phone my sister later to let her know that Binky and Hugo were eating together. 

We sat down at a table and were handed our menus and a glass of champagne each, the waiter then disappearing. I looked over at Ricky and smiled at him, then looking back down at the menu. Everything was far too over priced but seemed like it would taste amazing. I didn't want anything too expensive as I had little to no money on me and my appetite was at an all time low. I expected it was to do with how nervous I had gotten today. 

I looked back at my date, watching as he read through the menu, also very indecisive about what to have. He looked up at me and then looked back at the menu. The silence we were in was comfortable and completely content, like we were both aware of it but thought nothing of it. Situations like this were my favourite; I loved silence and a comfortable one made everything better.

"Have you had any thoughts about your song for the knockouts?" Ricky asked after we had sat reading for a moment. "I was thinking perhaps something like your audition piece. Maybe Magnetised by Tom Odell?" He suggested and I nodded. I had heard that song a lot and loved it. However I wasn't convinced my voice was quite right for it. "Or something else, have you had any thoughts?" I shook my head and then laughed. "That's fine. We have plenty of time to come up with something. The final three song is _C'est La Vie_ by _Stereophonics_. I think the final will be you, Kevin and Theo but I'm not totally sure. My team is great but you're the strongest three." He told me and I nodded.

"I really love that song. It's fun but quite emotional at the same time. It's hard to over do." I said and he nodded in agreement, looking up at the waiter who had just come back to take our order. Ricky and I both ordered the chicken and avocado burger and I had a cocktail, Ricky opting for a glass of beer. "I could maybe do _7_ by _Catfish and the Bottlemen_? There's a lot more to it than it being just a slow song, I feel like that would be stronger." I suggested and he nodded.

"That could be good. And then we could maybe have Magnetised as one of your finals songs? You can still play the guitar to 7, can't you?" He asked and I nodded. "Brilliant. 7 it is, then. We can have a practice the next time we have a rehearsal. I think it's Saturday." He told me, then getting out his phone, presumably to text one of the producers with my song choice. "I'll get Jessie to do an arrangement for it." He said, looking over at me and then up to the waiter who placed down our drinks. We both thanked him and he scurried off, leaving us both alone again.

"I'm sorry about what happened between Grace and I earlier. You don't deserve to get caught up in that shit. We came to a messy end and we should have finished better. I don't mean to bring it up whilst we're in this situation but I feel like it needs explaining." He said after having a long drink from his pint glass. I nodded, insinuating that he could continue, and then began to sip my cocktail. "We got together too quickly. It was a few dates and then I asked her out. We were living together within six months. I feel like that's where we went wrong - we didn't really know each other very well. Our pet peeves, our weird habits, our likes and dislikes. She was my best friend but I never felt like we were a couple. That's where we went wrong." He told me and I nodded again. "I don't want you to think that's you're my rebound because you're not. I'm over it, over her. It's been a month and I miss her as a friend but not as a girlfriend," He had some more beer "I just wish we could have finished on better terms." I sighed and then lent over to take his hand, hearing that his voice was beginning to go.

"I get it, Rick. You don't need to explain anything you don't feel comfortable with. The situation we're in can either be a date or just two friends having dinner. It's whatever, we're whatever. I like you and you like me, so I guess that's a good start." He laughed and smiled at me, rubbing his face with the pads of his long fingers. "Whatever you want I will be fine with. My last partner was a dick. We haven't spoken since we broke up. I don't miss them." I said and he nodded. "Heartbreak is different from person to person. We don't all feel the same. If you need time, I'll give you all the time you need." I told him, voice soft. He smiled and then had some more beer. "But let's just enjoy tonight as we're here, eh?" I said and he grinned at me. I grinned back, our hands still intertwined.

It wasn't until we left the restaurant just after half eleven that I realised I had missed the last train home. We stood on the pavement outside the restaurant, Ricky's arm around my shoulders and mine around his waist, and waited for a taxi to pick us up. We had gotten through a few too many alcoholic drinks and there was no way in hell Ricky was going to be driving us anywhere. We had come to the decision that I was to stay in his spare room, figuring that there would be no hotel rooms left anywhere near where we were. I didn't mind and we were both so drunk that we knew nothing major would happen. I trusted him, plus it was only our first date and I knew from what he had been telling me that he wanted things to go slow. If we worked, we worked. That was it.

God, I hoped we worked. 

We reached Ricky's house just before midnight. It was deep in Primrose Hill, surrounded by other million pound mansions that celebrities called home. It was large and modern, but the garden was not what I imagined. It was laced with flowers of all colours and ivy climbing up the gate and high walls that separated the house from the road. It was beautiful and felt ever so homely. 

Ricky and I stumbled out of the cab and into the view of the photographers who were waiting outside Rick's home, their cameras raised and ready to attack. I kept my head down and allowed Ricky to take my hand and lead me into his garden after tapping in the code that opened the gate. 

"Fucking hound me they do, were taking photos of me running and then wrote an article about how fucking miserable I am." He grumbled whilst fumbling for his front door key. "They don't know shit. Bastards." He grunted and then opened the front door, the two of us then going inside. Sat sprawled on the hall floor was a large fury dog who got up as soon as he saw Ricky and bounded over to us, licking at out hands. "Reedus, come on." He groaned and then bent down to give the large dog a hug. "This is Ali, Reedus. You gunna be a good boy for us?" He asked and the dog barked right on queue, sitting at my feet obediently. 

"He's a lovely little thing." I chuckled and then gently petted him, grinning. "Hello Reedus, how are you? Have you been good for your papa?" I asked the dog, bending down to give him a cuddle myself. I then stood back up and yawned, looking over at Ricky. "Would you mind showing me to my room? I'm so tired." He took my hand again and then took my upstairs, leading me into an empty bedroom.

"Here you go, lovely." He said and I grinned, looking around. "Does it do the job?" I immediately laid down on the bed and kicked off my shoes, patting the space beside him. Rick came over and laid beside me, kicking his shoes off too. "Maybe I'll just kip here, then." Ricky mumbled and then wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me close. 

"Alright big spoon." I chuckled and then shut my eyes, snuggling up to him. "Sleep well, Rick." I yawned and quickly fell asleep, my back pressed against his chest and heart thumping. 


	7. Chapter 7

When I awoke the next morning, Ricky and I were a tangle of limbs on his bed. We were both, thankfully, fully clothed and Ricky was still sound asleep. I unhooked him from me and sat up, yawned and then stretched out my aching limbs. Last night was a blur, although I knew it had been fun from the large bruise on my arm and how smudged my mascara was.

I got up and made my way to the balcony, stepping out onto it and looking around, taking in the beauty of Primrose Hill. It was a calm and quite area of London that was full of quirky shops and luxurious cafes. It wasn't that different to Brighton so it already felt like home, and I already felt comfortable and safe here. Being in Ricky's home seemed to help too. However, my contentment was spoilt when I realised I had a large red wine stain on my top, a few droplets on my pristine white trousers. I didn't really mind, the outfit didn't suit me anyway.

"Isn't it lovely out here?" Ricky said as he stepped onto the balcony, having stripped from his shirt and waistcoat into only his trousers, the Calvin Klein waistband of his boxers sticking up just above the top of his trousers. He rubbed his temples and let out a grunt, eyes bloodshot and tired. He was clearly very hungover. "Thought it would be freezing as it's so early." He chuckled and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the crown of my head. "Oh look at you, how clumsy are you?" He laughed, running a finger along the stain on my top. I chuckled and lent back into him, then taking off my top so I stood in only my trousers too, an expensive and near-see through Fleur of England bra attempting to save my modesty. "Better. I'll get that dry cleaned for you. And the trousers. God, what are we going to do with you, eh Ali?" He asked and I laughed, turning around and pressing my forehead against his, my arms wrapping around his neck.

"I don't know. I'm a very dirty girl." I said as seriously as I could, the pair of us soon bent double in a fit of laughter.

Ricky had gone for his morning walk to Soho with Norman, deciding to pick up his car so he didn't have to run back. When he returned, I discovered he had my 'normal' clothes from yesterday; jeans, suede boots, my leather jacket and a plain white jumper. _You can't wear the jumper, you'll get too hot._ Ricky had said to me before handing me an old Kaiser Chiefs tour t-shirt. _Wear that instead. It'll look gorgeous on you._ And so, whilst he was showering, I got changed and then laid down on his sofa, reading though my phone.

There was a few fan photos from last night but so far nothing too mainstream. One photo was of us leaving the restaurant, Ricky's arm around my waist and me grinning at him as he laughed. I saved it and then set it as my background. I assumed he wouldn't mind - there wasn't anything too lovey dovey to it.

_08.38 @AlixGardner: Surprisingly, I don't have a hangover. Can't say the same for @rickontour..._

Ricky returned downstairs a while later, a smile on his face and wet hair messy. He sat down beside me and then got his phone from the pocket of his trousers.

"I'm surprised we're article free. I would have thought the overnight writers would have something up by now." He chuckled, refreshing the Daily Mirror homepage that was glowing blue on his phone. "Lucky us, I guess." He chuckled and then wrapped an arm around me, kissing my temple. He looked back at his phone and chuckled, rolling his eyes.

_08.54 @rickontour: @AlixGardner I'll have you know that I am fine... Ick._

Ricky grinned at me and then stood up, hand running through his wet hair. He then took my hand and stood me up, leading me out of the room.

"Come on. Let's go get breakfast." He said and then nodded towards my shoes which were by the front door, Reedus sat on the doormat looking up at the pair of us. "Do you want to come with us, pup?" He asked and the dog barked in reply, licking the back of Ricky's hand which was gently petting him. "Alright boy. Ali, can you pass me his lead?" He asked, nodding towards the leather lead hanging beside the front door. I unhooked it and passed it to Ricky, watching as he clicked it onto Reedus' collar. I put on my boots and unhooked my jacket and put it on, then taking Ricky's hand in my left hand and opening the door with my right. 

Outside, there was bright flashes and loud shouts from photographers. I turned to look at Ricky and then down to Reedus who was barking and whimpering. Ricky led the three of us through the crowd of paparazzi, his hand moving from mine and up to my wrist. "Can you lot leave us along? We're just trying to walk my pup." Ricky said with a frown, eyes cold and flicking to each of the photographers crowding around us. "You've got your photos now leave us alone would you?" He huffed and the photographers parted for us, leaving us to walk through the open space and then to Ricky's car which was a few steps away. He let Reedus onto the back seats and then opened the passenger door for me. I stepped in and then did up my seat belt, thanking him as he got into the drivers seat. 

We drove to Portobello Market in silence, the two of us occasionally humming along to the radio or turning around to make a fuss of Reedus. It was comfortable, even though I couldn't help but feel like Ricky was acting a little cold towards me. Once we had arrived, we got out of the car and went into the cafe Ricky had parked outside of. Outside were numerous men and women in expensive clothes and drinking pretty lattes covered in rose petals. It did seem a bit upmarket but very Ricky.

We entered and I sat down with Reedus, petting his soft fur and chuckling when he began to lick my hand. Ricky then came over with two menus and a water bowl which he placed in front of Reedus, the puppy instantly drinking from it. Ricky sat down and handed me the menu, eyes then flicking over to the drinks board. 

"What time are you going home? Perhaps we could kill some time round here and then I can drop you off at the station?" He suggested and I hummed, nodding. 

"I'll get the half 11 train... Think we can find enough stuff to do until then?" I asked and he nodded, then looking over to a girl who had just approached us. She was no older than eighteen and was grinning at us both, eyes bright with excitement. 

"Hi Ricky, hi Alix. I'm really sorry to disturb you but I was wondering if I could maybe have a photo with you, both of you." She said, hands shaking and nervously fiddling with the hem of her jumper. "I'm Sam, by the way. I'm a massive Kaiser Chiefs fan." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and Ricky stood up, giving her a hug which she quickly melted into. It reminded me of my audition, when Ricky held me as I shook and cried.

"Of course love, of course you can. Where you from? You from round here?" Ricky asked once the two had ended their hug, Sam fiddling around to get the camera up on her phone. Ricky looked over to me and smiled, gesturing for me to come over. I stood up and then went over to them, Sam smiling at me and then giving me a gentle hug. 

"Hi, lovely to meet you." She said after our hug and then looked back to Ricky, answering his few questions. I looked over at Ricky and smiled at him softly as he spoke to Sam, clearly really interested and intrigued by what she was saying. 

"Now then, should we do a selfie or should Ali take the photo?" Ricky asked Sam who shrugged, clearly too starstruck to talk properly. I chuckled and then took the phone from her, watching as she and Ricky got into position. I took a few photos and then handed the phone to Ricky so he could take some photos of Sam and I, as well as a few selfies. She gave us both a hug and exchanged her Twitter with Ricky before going back to where she had been sat with her family. "She was lovely, wasn't she?" Ricky said with a smile before sitting down again and flicking through the menu. "Wish all our fans were as nice as her - we do have a group of very odd ladies who seem to stalk us." He said with a chuckle and then looked up at the waiter who had approached our table and was making a fuss of Reedus. "I'll have a rose latte and berry pancakes please kind sir." Ricky said, smiling at the waiter and then looking over at me.

"I'll have a rose latte and the porridge please." I said, then handing him the menu. He went off and then came back with our drinks a few minutes, placing them down on the table with a kind smile. 

We ate our breakfast throughout a casual convocation about The Voice, deciding on how I was going to be styled and what my odds of going through were. Ricky knew I was going to go through along with Theo but was unsure of the third member of our team. We were going to have a look around our Elstree flats next week and move in pretty soon after. It would be fun getting to spend a lot of time with Ricky and the other contestants. I hoped that I would finally get to make more friends within the show and get to spend time with people more like me, those who like singing and performing.

Ricky kindly paid for our breakfast and we left the cafe hand in hand, heading down the quirky high street and peering into the occasional shop window, going into one shop so Ricky could buy a new pair of sunglasses. He offered to buy me a pair I was ogling but I refused to let him, telling him that it would have been silly for him to spend so much money on me. However, I did end up buying him a vintage t-shirt when we were in a pre-loved boutique, deciding that I could give it to him for his birthday as it was only in a few days. In return, he had bought me a new highlighter from Space.NK after I fell in love with it. We then took Reedus to the park and let him run around for a while, Ricky and I sitting down on the grass and talking whilst we watched the  puppy bound about excitedly.

We left Portobello just after half ten and headed back to Ricky's house to drop off Reedus and pick up my other clothes, deciding to dry clean them when I got back to Brighton. Ricky let me keep his t-shirt, deciding that it looked much better on me than it did him. I appreciated the compliment, knowing that he probably had more squirrelled away. He then took me to Victoria station and came inside with me, the pair of us wandering around the station and trying not to get distracted by the people taking photos of us whilst we were looking at the magazines in WHSmith. 

We stood outside the barrier and had a tight hug that seemed to last forever, neither of us wanting me to go home. I knew it would only be a few days until I next saw Ricky but that was still a few days too many. I wanted to spend every moment with him if I could but it simply wasn't possible, it would void me from the competition and I was desperate to do well on The Voice. I wasn't going to let love get in the way. The train pulled in and I pulled away from Ricky, saying goodbye to him and having a quick kiss placed on my forehead. I then headed through the gates and made my way to the train, turning around to give him one last wave before I got on and began the long journey home.

_11.35 @rickontour: Goodbyes are the hardest. Hope you're all well. X_

I returned to Elstree on Saturday morning. Ricky and I had been non-stop messaging since I had left his house on Wednesday. The press had released article upon article about the pair of us and our dates, however I was unphased. The only people who knew what was really going on were Ricky and myself. They were just reaching as much as they could to get out a story that would attract a few more readers. Whilst some were more realistic than others, none of them really bothered me to any extent.

Ricky picked me up from the station and drove me to the studio, the paparazzi having hounded us as soon as we got there. I ignored them and instead followed Ricky inside, deciding to stay silent and let Ricky do all the talking, even though they were shouting at me and asking me questions.

I was relieved to get back inside and into the warm. It was minus two out there and my jacket was no where near warm enough to cope with that sort of weather. Ricky had dragged me into his dressing room and sat nuzzled with me to warm me up, his warm torso pressed up against my chest in a tight hug. We stayed like that until Lizzie came in to take me off to makeup, deciding that whilst it wasn't completely necessary for me to be caked in a full face, a little bit would make me look a lot healthier. I'd been struggling to sleep recently, my dreams having been chaotic and harrowing, so I needed all the concealing possible. Sleeping beside Ricky helped. He made me feel safe and comfortable.

"You seem very deep in thought today, Ali. What's up?" Lizzie asked as she dusted my chin with powder. Ricky was sat on the sofa looking back at me, a content smile on his face. I shrugged, not wanting to tell them the reason I hadn't been sleeping. It could wait for another time. They didn't need to know. "Not like you to be silent for more than ten minutes." She added with a chuckle and I smiled at her, looking over to the mirror.

"Nothing, that I can assure you. Just been thinking over my song a bit too much." I told her and she nodded, patting me on the back. "I wanna do well, don't want to let anyone down and all that." I looked at Ricky in the mirror and he was nodding, eyes still on me. His phone bleeped and he stood and hurriedly left without a word.

I went through more photo shoots and interviews for a good three hours once I had had my makeup done. Grace had dressed me in total silence after I had had my makeup done, the air between us thick with tension and hate. I wanted to like her and to try and be friendly with her but it was clear that there was far too much bad blood between her and Ricky for it to ever work.

She seemed bitter that we were getting close and was very cold, her eyes showing no sign of emotion when she handed me over the sweatshirt dress I was wearing for the press shoots. It was white and finished at the middle of my thigh, the rest of my legs being covered by grey boots that came up to my knee. I felt strong and confident, like I was going to succeed and take no shit from anyone. I needed that confidence.

The press went on till midday and was followed by filmed rehearsals. It was weird performing 7 for the very first time with loads of cameras and people around Ricky and I. It was hard for me to try and focus on him and not the other people, or the way I looked. It was like my confidence was slowly breaking down for no apparent reason. Maybe I'd been reading too many of those articles about us?

**_SUN EXCLUSIVE: Good Clean Fun?  
Ricky Wilson is clearly staying together with his new girlfriend._ **

_38-year-old heartthrob_ **_Ricky Wilson_ ** _has been spotted on two dates with his gorgeous new girlfriend in less than 12 hours. The couple, who have been together for around a month, were seen leaving Soho celebrity hot-spot Honest Burgers just before midnight last night after enjoying their first public date together. The pair were then spotted enjoying a quiet breakfast together and chatting with a young fan at the chic Farm Girl Cafe on Portobello Road late this morning after spending the night at Ricky's £3 million mansion. The singer's partner was seen sporting a vintage t-shirt branded with her partner's bands logo and a sleek black leather jacket._

_Last week, The Sun exclusively revealed that the Kaiser Chiefs' new girlfriend is 24-year-old_ **_Alix Gardner_ ** _, a contestant on The Voice UK 2017. The couple met on the show and hit it off immediately, our source close to the coach saying "Ricky fell for as soon as he set eyes on her. He's been going to her for comfort throughout his breakup with [Grace Zito] and she's really kept him going. He's really in love with her but does want to take things slow this time."_

_The Kaiser Chiefs' new album, Stay Together, is available now and the new single, Good Clean Fun, is to be released on February 3rd. Alix's chair turning audition for The Voice UK will be broadcast on Sunday._

I had tried my hardest to ignore the press but it was becoming so addictive. The 'sources' that they were getting their information intrigued me, especially who my source was. I assumed it was my mother. I had never gotten along with my family apart from my sister, Anna, who I would regularly met with at the weekends as we both lived in Brighton, but it had never really bothered me before. I had spent Christmas with them (resentfully) and had told them all about The Voice and Ricky (resentfully). Of course, much like when I last fancied someone, they weren't accepting in the slightest. They still wanted me to date Isaac, the son of my father's friend. Whilst he was nice, funny and mildly attractive, he was no Ricky.

"Ali, sweetheart, are you alright?" Ricky asked with a frown. I looked up at him, realising I had been staring into space and had stopped halfway through singing. "Want a drink? Sit down for a bit?" He questioned and walked over to me, gently holding my bicep. I looked up at him and smiled. "Come on, let's go back to my dressing room for a little bit." He sighed and then took my hand, leading me through to his small room. He shut and locked the door and I sat down on the sofa, curling up and resting my chin on my palm, elbow on the arm of the sofa. Ricky was soon by my side, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close. "Ali, please tell me what's wrong?" He said quietly and I shrugged, looking up at him.

"It's nothing, Rick. Don't worry." I sighed and he pulled me into his lap, looking into my eyes and sighing. "You're getting ever so worried about me recently, it's ever so sweet but..." He chuckled and I curled up, nuzzling my face into his collar. "At least someone cares about me." I laughed and he gently rubbed my back, lips pressed to my scalp. "It's nice." He squeezed me gently and then sighed, the two of us staying like that until we heard a knock at the door. Ricky stood and went over to it, unlocking it and then opening to reveal big boss Aaron. 

"You two. My office, now." He huffed and Ricky turned to look at me, my face drained of colour and heart stopping. 

That was it. I was out of the competition. 

This couldn't be happening.


	8. Chapter 8

Two hours. We had been in our meeting for two hours. I use the word meeting quite loosely as really, it was just Aaron and a few of the other executives having a go at us for 'being in a relationship'. Ricky and I had tried our hardest to tell them that we were not together but, of course, they knew best. Grace had told them that there was 'something' between us, they had overheard gossip in the canteen that we had gone on a date (we were going to stay quiet on that one) and they had all read the numerous articles and seen the hundreds of photos. But eventually, we got through to them that there was nothing but a mutual crush between us.

We were allowed to go with no punishment apart from the fact this was our first and last warning. From now, we would have to keep it on the downlow and try to be as subtle as we could until the end of the competition, something that I knew was going to be impossible once we moved to Elstree.

Ricky had, of course, been annoyed at first but otherwise he was fine to go along with the rules we had been given. To him, it was just another hurdle he was going to conquer rather than something he was going to trip and fall over. That was one of the things I greatly admired about him. He would never let anything beat him – whether it was a push door he pulled or Aaron. Nothing would ever get between him and what he wanted. I assumed that that was how he and the band managed to get so famous – by constantly striving for something better. It was something I desperately needed to adopt.

Like Ricky, I was going to grin and bear it. I didn't let the look Grace gave me as we walked past me or the whisper from two of Will's team knock me. I was strong. I was confident. I could do this.

We entered the rehearsal room and I picked up my guitar from its stand and then slung it over me, watching Ricky as he sat on top of the piano and smiled at me. Lizzie came in and fixed the concealer beneath my eyes, giving me a smile and then an awkward hug before she went back off set. The cameras started rolling and the filming for the knockouts began.

The first few run through weren't bad, but there was a lot to be improved. I had to put more power into the big high notes and try to slow down my breathing so everything wasn't so rushed on the pre-choruses. Ricky didn't point out my flaws, mind you. It was all mentally, my head rushing with his ideas on how I could do better. He thought I was brilliant, that my performances got better one by one. But I couldn't disappoint him. There was always something, a note or a chord that could just be that little bit better.

I told myself that for every minute of the six hour filming session.

Ricky and I left the rehearsal space just after nine and went back to his dressing room to have a drink and get changed. I'd decided to leave the rehearsal clothes at the studio (minus the very warm boots) and go home in my normal clothes, assuming Grace would get even more annoyed with me if her clothes continued to go missing. I wanted to get on with her. I had enough people in my life that hated me, I wasn't going to let her join the list.

So I left the dressing room, dress folded over my arm, and made my way through the winding corridors to the dressing room. I went in and then looked over to Grace who was stood hanging up some of the days outfits and putting them back onto the clothes rack. I made my way further into the room and cleared my throat, making her jump slightly and then look over at me.

"Oh. You're the last person I expected to see." She said and then turned, folding her arms across her chest and raising an eyebrow. "So? What can I help you with?" I could tell that the fierceness of her voice was completely put on and that she didn't actually hate me. Maybe it was all just put on to make her look less heartbroken? I, in some weird way, felt terribly sorry for her.

"I came to give this back." I walked further into the room and then handed her the dress. "And I just wanted to say hello. We started off on the wrong foot... I wanna change that." I told here and she looked at me with a frown, her head tilting to one side and arms unfolding so she could take the dress from me.

"Well," She said, hanging the dress up and placing it back on the rack by my name. "Maybe if you stayed away from my Rick we could be friends but up until then..." She turned to face me and then shrugged. "We're not going to get on, sweets." She sighed and then gave me a smile. "I'll see you on Wednesday." She turned to look back at the rack and started to reorganise it again. I chose to say nothing and instead turned to go to leave, seeing Ricky leaning up against the door frame. He smiled at me and reached his hand out for me so I could take his hand.

"Come to Brighton with me." I said once his hand was in mine and we were walking towards the back exit. "Just for tonight. Maybe even tomorrow night. We can go for a wander along the lanes, then tomorrow we can watch my audition." I suggested and looked up at him, his eyes lit up and a smile on his face.

"That sounds like a brilliant idea, Ali. We can go get some dinner and then drive down. That'll be quicker than the train and I am starving." He said and I nodded, letting go of his hand as we left the building and went over to his Honda, shielding our faces from the photographers who were shouting questions at us. _Where are you guys going? Alix, how are you finding the competition? Is it true you two are moving in together? What happened on that balcony, Ricky?_

Ricky held the door open for me and I got in, shutting the door myself and getting my sunglasses from my bag, putting them on to try and stop the camera flashes from blinding me. I looked over when the driver door opened and Ricky slipped in, doing up his belt and hurriedly speeding away from the studio, the pair of us eager to leave the photographers behind.

"I think we need to change your song." Ricky informed me as we pulled into the McDonalds drive-thru. I looked over at him and frowned. "I mean, your version of 7 is great but I feel like it's holding you back. Maybe you could sing something a bit more up tempo? I mean, not pop, but faster and- hi can I have a Big Mac meal with a coke and a tea please - something with some higher notes in, liven it up a bit." He said, fingers drumming on the steering wheel. "Adele, maybe? Hometown Glory is a good one... Not too slow and the vocals are incredible. Plus you can play the piano too so you can continue to be my multi-talented wonder woman." He suggested with a chuckle and then picked up his phone that was streaming _West Pauper Lunatic Asylum t_ hrough the cars' speakers. He tapped a few times, the song soon flooding into the car.

"Well, Catfish to Adele is hardly a massive jump is it?" I joked as we rolled forward to collect our food, Ricky handing me my tea which I gratefully cupped with my cold hands. I sang along and I stared out the window, watching the bright motorway lights flash past. I knew Ricky was smiling at me, he always did when I sang. "You're a massive dork, you know that?" I said, looking over at him and his soppy grin. "But I like you like that. Never change." I said with a smile, gently patting his thigh with my hand and then returning to look out the window.

We arrived in Brighton just before half eleven, the moon shining bright above us and illuminating the otherwise dark sea front. Ricky parked outside my house and we got out, Ricky crossing the road and standing by the railing, staring out to sea. I joined him after a little while, standing beside him and looking over to the bright light a few miles out that he was staring at.

We didn't say anything.

"I came to Brighton a few years ago with the lads." Ricky said after a while, his arm making its way around my shoulders so he could pull me closer. "We had a gig at the Brighton Centre. I went for a run along here the morning after. It was July, terribly hot, but there had been a massive thunderstorm and it started to rain half way through my ran." I looked up at him, his eyes not tearing from the bright light. "I stopped for a coffee at the pier, something iced and far too bitter for my liking. I got it from one of the little huts." I looked back to the light and then down at my hands which were clutching the railing. "There was a woman, maybe in her late teens, stood on the other side of the railing. She was holding on for dear life. She was going to jump to fall to-"

"How about we go inside." I looked up at him and he looked back at me, eyes wet with tears. I took his hand again and he sighed, nodding and then looking down to my other hand which was still wrapped around the railing. "I'll put the kettle on... You can have a-"

"It was you, wasn't it? The woman."

I gave him a smile, shrugging.

"You stopped me from jumping though, didn't you?"


	9. Chapter 9

_W: Attempted suicide. Skip the italic text if a trigger._

_July 21st 201_ _3_

_I had awoken before sunrise, sometime around 4am. The curtains were wide open and the windows open, thunder crashing out at sea. I rose from my bed and made my way out onto my pathetic excuse of a balcony. There was a few people jogging along the sea front, the storm clearly having woken them too._

_The rain hadn't quite reached the shore yet but the sticky, humid air had. I felt uncomfortable in my nightdress, the satin sticking to my back and making me feel even worse than I already did._

_One week, two days, twelve hours and three minutes since we had broken up._

_I returned back inside and had a icy shower to try and wake me up, standing under the stream for almost half an hour,_ _bloodshot_ _eyes on the tiles in front of me. I washed my hair and body tentativly and then turned off the water, allowing my body to return to its normal temperature before I got out and went back into my room, eyes glancing over to the mirror and then falling to the tattoo on my hip. I harshly ran my nail over it before letting out a slow, shaky sigh and sitting on my bed, head in my hands and tears beginning to fall._

_I was dressed and ready by half past six. The notepad was lent up against my electric mixer in the kitchen and everything was neat and tidy. I left my home and began the short walk to the pier, my hands in the back pockets of my jeans and head down, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible._

_The pier wasn't busy at all,_ _there was a few people milling about and admiring the sunrise but my area was empty_ _. There was a small collection of huts selling hot drinks and breakfast open, each having only a few customers in. Builders, mainly._

_I reached my spot on the pier. It was out of view from most parts of the pier and I knew there was a small collection of jagged rocks in the water below me. I looked out to sea for a little while, the rain beginning to pour, soaking me before I even had the change to pull the hood of my jacket over my head. It was refreshing and fitting for the event._

_I climbed over the railing, eyes watching my feet so I could make sure I didn't slip. It was a jump, not a fall. It was meant to be elegant and symbolic, not a tragic accident._

_I had my back to the pier and lent forward so I could see into the water below, ensuring that my hands didn't leave the railing behind me. The only thing that was stopping me from tumbling into the dark. There was the railing, and then there was the hand I suddenly felt on my shoulder. I blinked quickly and then looked around to my shoulder and then to the man who was stood behind me. He had his coat done up his his chin and sunglasses hiding his eyes. Strands of wet ginger hair stuck to his forehead and his beard was dripping out small droplets of rain water. He was frowning, head slightly tilted as he looked at me._

_"I'm Ricky." He said, hand still on my shoulder. "Weather's not very nice today, is it? Surely you're freezing?" He gestured to my bare legs with his free hand. "I'll buy you a cup of coffee if you want?" He suggested and I looked back to the water, hand slipping slightly from where the railing had become wet. "Woah, you be careful." He said and tightened his grip on me, his other hand gently wrapping around my waist, his chest pushed to my back. It was almost romantic_

_"Can you please let go of me?" I asked him and he sighed. I moved my shoulder uncomfortably, as a sign for him to stop touching me and to let me do what I had to do. "You're making me uncomfortable, Ricky." I told him but he still didn't budge. His arm was still around my waist and hand on my shoulder. "Please, please." I whispered, hanging my head in shame and then shutting my eyes. I let go of the railing and allowed Ricky to take his hand from my shoulder and instead wrap around the top of my chest, beneath my armpits. Slowly, he lifted me up and over the railing, then holding me in a tight hug. I opened my eyes and slowly pulled away, pushing my hood down and then looking up at him. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I turned and hurriedly walked away, looking over my shoulder to see if he was following me._

_He wasn't._

"It was four years ago, Ricky. I assure you I'm much better." We were sat in the love-seat, or rather Ricky was and I was sat upon his lap, in my living room, looking out to sea. "Please don't go back to that time. It was a very bad period for me. But I'm okay now. Thank you, though. For not letting me jump." I told him and then had a sip from my mug of tea. "I never realised it was you until a few months later when I saw you on the TV. I would have thanked you somehow but, well, you're a celebrity and it's not that easy." He smiles at me and plays with my hair, my head resting against his collar as we listen to the scratchy sound of the Oasis record I had put on.

"I thought about you a lot, you know... Whenever we would come to Brighton I would go back to that spot and just sit for a while. I always expected to see some sort of plaque or some wilted flowers, but there was nothing. I'm glad." He said and then kissed my temple gently as I rested my head against his collar. "Very glad." He whispered and then finished his coffee, placing the mug on the coffee table. "Maybe we should go for a walk up to the pier... Maybe then I can finally, I don't know, get that weight off of my shoulders?" He suggested and I sat up, shrugging.

"If that's what you want, I won't hold you back." I said with a smile. He thought to himself for a while and then nodded. "Now or in the morning?"

"Now." He quickly decided, hand still playing with my hair. "We start tomorrow on a new page, leave all of this sadness behind us, yes?" He said and I nodded.

"Yes." I said and then stood up, taking the record off of the turntable and slipping it away into it's slot on the shelf. "Don't just sit there looking all pretty." I said, turning to look back at Ricky, smiling at him. "Let's go do this." He stood and came over to me, his hand slipping into mine and then leading me through to the hallway where we bundled on our coats, scarves and boots, then heading out into the darkness, our fingers still intertwined.

"Why'd you do it?" Ricky asked as we reached the entrance to the pier. "I mean, was it spur of the moment or was there something more to it?" I looked up at him and then rested my head on his shoulder.

"I'd dropped out in my third year, my partner had left me and my family wanted nothing to do with me. Everything just seemed to be falling to pieces. But after you saved me, everything started to do okay again. I got a job, admittedly it was one I hated, I found new friends and everything went back on track. It was like a bow and arrow, really. I was being pulled back more and more but then someone released the arrow and my life shot forward." I paused and looked up at him. "That was a shit metaphor, wasn't it?" I laughed and he grinned back at me, shaking his head.

"It was alright." He laughed, swinging our arms slightly. "I was like that when Nick left the band. I'd split up with Les a few weeks later and the band was going nowhere. Whilst my actions never went so far, I did start to drink again which was a terrible idea. I wrote Roses some time around then. Even the happiest of things I couldn't enjoy. It was like my life was over." He told me as we walked along the creaky wooden slats, the sound of the waves lapping at the shore below us melodic and calming. I looked up at him and then back to the floor below me, seeing that we were nearing the point. "I would never be brave enough to jump; I'm too scared of heights." He joked, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. I laughed quietly and then looked around us, seeing that we were outside the hut that used to be the coffee shop. (It had become a silversmiths.)

"I haven't been along the pier since that day." I told Ricky, looking over to the familiar piece of pier and then up to him. "Could never bring myself to. For multiple reasons, mind. Not just the whole jumping thing." I laughed and he smiled at me, the pair of us then reaching the exact spot. I knew it was as someone at etched _don't look down_ into the railing.

We stood there looking out to sea for a while. It was odd coming back. One of the lowest points of my life had come to a peak here and now I was at one of my highest points with the man who saved me from myself. God, how had I found myself in this situation? I was knocked from my thoughts when Ricky wrapped his arms around my waist, my back pressed to his chest and his chin resting on my shoulder. I placed my hands on his and sighed, leaning back and shutting my eyes.

"Four years ago we were stood in the same position. Look how much has changed, eh?" He sighed. He kissed my neck and then looked back out to sea, to the bright light created by a cruise ship a few miles out. "We're happier, healthier and in love. Bet you wouldn't have thought that all that time ago." He chuckled and I turned to look at him, smiling.

"Perhaps the first two but not the latter. I didn't think I would be in love with you." I joked with a grin, allowing his arms to unwrap from mine. I turned to face him and raised an eyebrow.

"Tough luck." He grinned and then held my waist, my arms wrapping around his neck. "You're stuck with me now, Ali." I poked my tongue out at him and then grinned, my fingers running through the hair on the back of his head.

"What a pity." I whispered and then lent forward, our lips quickly connecting and bodies pressing together. My eyes shut and I could focus on nothing more than that moment and the rush of adrenaline pulsing through my veins.

He pulled away after a while and looked at me, his hand moving up to sweetly cup my face, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. I looked into his eyes and smiled.

"Dork." I grinned and then gave him a quick peck. "Now let's go home. I'm tired." I said and took his hand in mine, my eyes looking over to the view one last time.

"Your dork though, Ali." He reminded me with that same, stupid grin.

"Yeah, my dork."


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up just before eight. Ricky's near-bare body was pressed against mine, his arms wrapped around my chest and face pressed against my neck. I was surprised he wasn't already awake and out on a run, but we had a rather late night so I assumed he was too tired to.

I gently turned onto my back and looked at him, my hand reaching to run through the hair that was still stuck to his forehead. His eyes slowly opened and he smiled at me, reaching over to gently kiss me.

"Morning, my love." He hummed and then sat up, checking his watch and groaning. "Would go for a run but all my stuff is back in London." He said and then looked over at me.

"Unless you want to wear my very fetching sports bra and running shorts, I'm afraid I have nothing to offer you." I told him and he laid back down, sighing.

"Wouldn't mind seeing you in them." Ricky joked with a grin. I lightly hit his chest with the back of my hand and rolled my eyes. "Alright. I guess another ten minutes won't hurt anyone." He yawned and then shut his eyes again. I laughed, my fingers running through his hair and lips then pressing a kiss to the pale skin on his forehead, earning a hum in reply.

"I'm going to go grab us some breakfast from the town." I told Ricky as I got out of bed and went over to my chest of draws to get out my running gear. "And quit staring at my ass." I laughed as I turned to face him, arms folding over my chest. He laughed too, shaking his head and then rolling back onto his side, eyes still on me, gazing over my near-naked body. They rested on my hip tattoo for a few seconds but he said nothing. I was glad.

"Might want to cover that lovely bruise on your neck." He suggested and I ran my hand over the bite mark on my throat. "People might talk, ya know?" He said in a mock-Aaron voice. I laughed loudly and then shook my head. "Why don't you get back to bed and I can give you another one, matching or something. We can go get breakfast together later." Something to add to my list of unexpected things about Ricky - he was a biter. (It was nestled between his love for Take That and the fact he's never drunk tea.)

"Better?" I asked, slipping back into bed with him and he nodded. We laid there for a little while longer, his lips pressing to my neck and teeth occasionally grazing the soft skin. I didn't complain and if anything enjoyed the odd sensation it provoked. Rick soon fell asleep again and I got up and made my way downstairs to put the kettle on. I filled mine and Ricky's mug with the correct amount of coffee and sugar and then stood in contemplation for a while, going over what the hell had happened last night.

_We returned home hand in hand just before 1. We had stood on the pier for a little while longer, going over a few more things that had happened that morning and the hours after. It felt good to get everything out and to go over exactly what happened. It was all still a blur in my mind and, in all honesty, I wanted to forget that day even existed. Ricky did to_ _o_ _._

_I made us both another cup of coffee and went up to my bedroom where Ricky was already laying in his Calvin Klein boxers. I handed him the mug and then sat beside him, his arm instantly around my waist and my side against his, keeping him warm._

_We drank the coffee and spoke about the move up to Elstree. It would be weird leaving home for a month but that would be something I had to get used to. I would probably be away a lot for the next few months._

_"I'll make sure our flats are next to each other." Ricky told me, placing his empty mug down on the bedside table, then turning back to look at me. "I'd say we could flatshare but you'd be kicked off." He sighed and began to play with my hair again. I drank the last of my coffee and then rested my head on his shoulder, eyes heavy and tired. I took off my jeans and jumper and threw them to the floor beside the bed. Ricky pulled the duvet over us and we snuggled close to each other to keep us warm._

_We chatted for a little while longer, Ricky's lips on my neck every so often, at one point creating a large red patch from where he had gotten a little too eager. He apologised, I told him it was okay and wished him goodnight, then reaching over to switch off the bedside lamp._

The kettle boiled and I poured the water into the mugs, topping them up with milk and then taking them up to my bedroom. Rick was stood out on the balcony, now fully clothed but still very tired looking.

"Here." I handed him the mug and then stood beside him. "You look like you need it." I said, his arm slinging over my shoulders and lips on my temple. There was snow in the air and the temperature was back below freezing. Neither of us particularly minded the freezing temperature, it was just another part of everyday. "Now drink up and we can go treat ourselves to something at the Breakfast Club, how does that sound?" I asked and he smiled, nodding.

"Sounds perfect." He said and then had a glug of coffee, I doing the same. "We can head straight into town after that, then. I need to get myself some clothes to keep at yours." He noted and I chuckled, nodding.

"Take it slow is going very well, isn't it?" I grinned, looking up at him. He laughed and then kissed my forehead. "But yeah, that sounds fine."

Half an hour later we were walking up to the high street, scarves coming to our chins and hats pulled as far over our ears as they could be. Still, I loved the winter. It was oh so much better than the blaring heat and humidity of the summer. I loved scarves, candles and the wonderful television that was on. It was always so warm and comforting and now with Ricky by my side, it was all a lot more enjoyable.

Ricky and I were stopped a few time by fans on our journey up to our breakfast spot. They had given Ricky a few birthday present and a photo book created by some fans of the band, Ricky ever so thankful that he had received one for the fourth year running.

"I always look forward to this time of the year. These books are great." He said with a smile, flicking through it. I stood beside him and looked at the book. "That photo is a good one." He said, pointing to one of them in the book and showing it to me. "This is Alix by the way." He told the two fans and I smiled at them.

"Hi." I said, giving them an awkward smile. "Nice to meet you both." I said and they gave me a smile in return. "Are you from 'round here or just down for the weekend?" I asked, Ricky putting the book into his bag and then peering into the gift bags of presents.

"We just came down for the day, hoped to bump into you two as we knew you were down here." Alice told me, then looking over to Ricky. "You can open them now if you want to." She said and Ricky smiled at her, his arm wrapping around my waist. The two ladies glared at me.

"I'll leave them until Tuesday, I think. Ali and I might miss out on breakfast if I do." He said with a smile, kissing my temple. "But it was lovely to see you both again. Are you coming to the O2 gig?" He asked. They both nodded. "Alright, well I'll see you then, then. Hope you both have a lovely day." He said and then gave them both a hug, having a quick photo with them both and then coming back over to me. I gave them another wave and said goodbye before Ricky and I started walking towards our breakfast spot again, hand in hand.

"They seemed nice." I commented once we were stood in the queue for the restaurant five minutes later. We were only a few people back so hopefully it wouldn't be too long a wait - I was starving.

"I see them a lot. I must have met them both hundreds of times in the last few years." He told me, his arm wrapping around my shoulders, the side of my head resting on his shoulder. "Not that I mind or anything, but I do wonder how they can afford to when I see them both most weeks." He said and I shrugged.

"Up to them I guess. They want to come all the way down to Brighton to see you then I guess there's nothing you can do but give him a hug and have a chat." I said and he hummed in reply, the waiter then taking us inside and showing us to our table.

We spent the day wandering through the town and buying far too much. Ricky had stuck to his promise and bought some clothes and running gear to keep at my flat as well as matching Nike trainers for the two of us. I had bought him a few more birthday presents, including a pair of sunglasses and another vintage t-shirt, Ricky treating me to a new denim jacket from one of the shops in the lanes after he noticed that he had one identical ( _we have to wear them together one day_ , he had insisted) as well as a bottle of perfume we both really loved.

We got home just after half six, just in time for the beginning of my episode of The Voice. I ordered us pizza and helped Ricky put the clothes away in my, our, bedroom before we laid down on the bed and turned the TV on, watching as the show began. Ricky wrapped an arm around my shoulders and we got close, trying to stay warm.

"I hate seeing myself on telly." Ricky commented as they went to an interview he had done about Boy George. "My voice just makes me cringe so much." He sighed, beginning to play with my hair again. "My speaking voice rather than my singing voice, I tolerate that." He said with a laugh and I smiled up at him, then looking over at the TV, seeing that my audition reel had just begun. I groaned and covered my face with my hands.

"This is so embarrassing." I groaned, peeping through my fingers to see the VT they had recorded of me introducing myself. "Why do they make you do these? I just don't get it. I hate them." I said and Ricky laughed. I removed my hands and watched me walk onto the stage, intrigued to see the coaches reactions to my performance.

The four perked up as soon as I started singing, Will and George looking over at Paloma, mouthing _turn_ to her. I watched the camera go over to Ricky. His eyes were shut and his chin rested on his palm. The camera went back to me as the chorus hit and I watched the way I strummed and sung, it all seeming so natural. I had managed to fake my confidence in a way that made me seem like I knew what I was doing and was happy with it. Whilst I was, it wasn't meant to be that obvious.

"She's incredible." George said to Paloma and she nodded, then hitting her button. I smiled to myself and watched as the camera panned back to Ricky. He was looking over at George. "Are you going to go?" George asked and Ricky nodded. With that, George hit his button and I listened to myself sing the last chorus, remembering the panic within my mind that Ricky was yet to turn. Ricky looked over to George and Paloma who were both tearing up and then hit his button, his chair turning.

"It was that moment. The exact moment my eyes met yours. That's when I realised, I knew, that you were something amazing, something so wonderful that I would thank myself for years for turning for you." Ricky told me and then pressed a kiss to my temple again. "And my god was I right." He sighed and squeezed my waist gently. I smiled to myself and watched as Ricky walked me back to the backstage area, giving me a tight hug before we parted ways and he went back to the chairs.

"She was incredible, wasn't she?" Paloma said and Ricky smiled, nodding. "You've got a good one there, Rick." Ricky grinned and sat back down.

"I know. She was something else." Ricky said and then smiled at Paloma, the next VT beginning. The doorbell rang and I got up, going down the hall to collect our pizza.

We ate it whilst watching the show and then spent the rest of the night listening to my records and making out, a connection between us so strong that I knew it would never break. Ricky adored me, he thought I was brilliant and I felt the same. I would go as far as to say I loved him. I know it had only been a month since I really got to know him but that was long enough.

I was falling in love with him and I couldn't have been happier.


	11. Chapter 11

Ricky drove home the next morning after I had made us breakfast and we'd gone for a walk along the seafront, just trying to enjoy our last few moments of privacy before it was back to recording. Ricky's birthday was tomorrow and he had invited me over to his place so I could meet the rest of the band and attended his birthday party. He never really struck me as the special occasion party type but he had later explained to me that it was meant to be a surprise party that the boys organised, even though Peanut would always end up telling him as, really, Ricky hated parties.

That was why I was stood in the toilets of the 18.23 train from Brighton to London Victoria trying to get changed into the clothes I had bought for the occasion earlier in the day. I had assumed I would have time to go back to the flat and get changed there, slowly and calmly, but after running into my sister and going to grab a coffee with her, time seemed to run away with me and there was no chance I would be able to go home, get ready, and then make the train.

My sister, Anna, was joining me on the train up as she had a party to go to at her best friends house in a similar area of London to where Ricky's house was. She had lent me her heels and was going to attempt to do my makeup for me so I looked half decent when meeting my apparent boyfriend's mates for the first time I knew that if they didn't like me then there would be no chance in hell of Ricky and I working, but from the one time I had spoken to them, they didn't seem to mind me. 

Anna had managed to hype me up and had given me some last minute tips on how to act at the party. _1\. Don't get too drunk. 2. Keep your phone on you at all times. 3. Don't snog strangers._ (But then, the last point was how she ended up meeting her husband.) But then, I guess it would make Ricky and I end in tears. I didn't want that.

There was a hard knock at the door and I raced to do the zip on my leather leggings (Anna's choice, not mine) up before I made everyone on the train angry for hogging the bathroom. I exited, apologised to the elderly man waiting to use the toilet, and went back to my sister who had already set out her makeup so she could make me look pretty again. She had tried to argue that I didn't really need it and that the boys would like me cake faced or not, but I refused to listen to her. She always had said that my lack of self-confidence was my biggest flaw.

We finished getting me ready just as the train pulled into London Victoria, where the pair of us parted with a hug. I made my way through the busy station and to the tube station, getting on the next tube to Chalk Farm where I was meeting Ricky's friend Nathan. I was yet to meet him but Ricky had spoken about him a few time. He was an ex-Voice contestant that was now starring on the west end. Things had gone very well for him; I hoped that something like that would happen to me too.

We met outside the tube station twenty minutes later. He was a lot shorter than me which was odd as most men were normally my height or taller as I stood at a pretty reasonable 5'7. We made our way to Ricky's house together, the paparazzi waiting outside and snapping photos of the two of us as we arrived at the house and then went in. 

Ricky had come straight to the door when we arrived and I gave him a tight hug, kissing him on the cheek and then giving him his presents. He led me through to the living room after greeting Nathan with a handshake and an awkward 'manly' hug.

"This is Alix." Ricky announced as we entered the living room where the other guests were. I looked over to the sofa where Simon and his girlfriend were sat with Peanut, and then to VJ and his wife who were getting themselves a drink. Paloma and Rita were there too as well as a few people I didn't recognise.  "My lovely girlfriend." He said with a grin and I looked at him, wide eyed.

"Girlfriend?" I asked with a laugh. "I think I can manage that." I teased and he laughed, handing me a bottle of cider from the table. Peanut stood and came over to me, giving me a hug.

"Hey Alix, Ricky has told us all about you. Good to finally meet you in person." He said to me, drinking from his bottle of beer. Ricky kissed my temple and then went off to open the front door. "Come sit with Si and I, oh, and Sarah." He said and I went over with him, sitting down and giving the other two an awkward hug to say hello.

"Nice to meet you, Alix." Simon said with a smile. I returned the compliment, Ricky's bandmates asking me casual questions about myself, all of which I answered as un-awkwardly as possible. They both seemed very relaxed and easy to have a joke with, much like Rick. Our convocation came to an end when Ricky entered the room ten minutes later and gestured for me to come follow him. I apologised to the trio and then stood, going over to him and taking his outstretched hand in my own as he led me through to the corridor. I looked around confused, opening my mouth to ask him where we were going until he opened the dining room door, pulled me in, and then shut it again.

"I can't be dealing with the party at the moment." He told me and flicked the light on, the table covered in neatly wrapped boxes and gift bags. "I never even wanted a party. Just you and the lads over for a meal or something." He sighed and sat down on the sofa pressed against the wall. I sat beside him and looked at him concernedly.

"What's up? You acted like you were looking forward to your birthday." I asked with a frown, my hand reaching up to brush some hair away from his eyes. "Something happened?" He shook his head and looked over at me with a sad smile.

"No, no. Just, my stay in Brighton made me realise something." He said with a smile and then began to play with my hair again. "It's the intimate moments that count the most rather than the extravagant parties and other bits and bobs. I'd rather spend time with the ones that mean the most rather than trying to play up for others." I smiled and nodded, resting my head on his collar. I did, however, wonder if there was something more to it than just that. He seemed perfectly fine when I texted him yesterday.

"Must be the sea air." I joked. He laughed and shook his head, pressing a kiss to my forehead. He seriously adored that spot. "I found I got a lot more inspired after I moved to the seafront. Probably something scientific." I told him, my finger lazily drawing shapes on his thigh. 

"Could well be." He mused, the two of us sitting in a comfortable silence for twenty minutes or so.  We were disturbed by the door opening. Rita entered and smiling at us both.

"Hey Reets. Everything alright?" Ricky asked and she nodded. I looked up at her too and smiled, admiring her dress and the way the light hit the highlight on top of her cheekbones.

"Everyone's missing you. The production guys have just arrived and want to know where you've got to." She said with a smile and Ricky nodded, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. "Hey Alix, nice to see you." She said to me and I smiled at her.

"And you, your music is brilliant." I said, possibly too enthusiastically. She laughed and thanked me before disappearing. We stayed seated for a few minutes and then left to go back to the living room, Ricky going over to greet the newcomers, including Aaron who had given me a glare when I entered behind Rick. We would have to tone down the PDA for the rest of the evening, then.

VJ had come over to say hello and give me a hug, the two of us talking whilst I moved onto my second bottle of cider and he had another bottle or beer. His wife, Rah, was stood speaking to Paloma and a woman I didn't know. Rick came over after speaking to the new guests and helped himself to a bottle of beer, then coming over to VJ and I.

"What time is this 'party' meant to end?" Ricky asked the drummer who looked back at him, head slightly tilted, like he knew that there was something wrong with his bandmate. He looked down at his watch and then back to Rick.

"Half eleven or whenever you want them to be kicked out." I checked my watch and saw it was only half nine. Ricky huffed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Everything alright mate?" He asked, a concerned frown on his face. I looked up at my boyfriend, seeing that his eyes were duller than normal and his expression looked pained, like he hadn't had any sleep or was thinking about something... bad. 

"I'm fine!" He exclaimed, a few people turning to look at us. He rubbed his face with his hands. "Just... I don't know. All these people are making me feel queasy." He said with a sigh and VJ placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, smiling.

"It'll get better gradually, mate." He said softly and Ricky nodded, looking over to the doorway when the room suddenly fell silent.

Grace.

She slowly walked in and came over to Ricky, VJ and I. She smiled at me and I froze for a few seconds before smiling back at her. She handed Ricky a bag in utter silence, the tension in the air was thick, no one knowing what she was about to do or say. The two looked at each other intensely until Grace tore her eyes from him and turned to me. My breath caught in my chest.

"I was far too unkind to you, Alix, and I apologise." She said and then gave me another smile. "I would really like for us to be friends, none of this silly cattiness. Are you alright with that?"  She asked and I nodded.

"Friends? Yes, of course." I said, trying to hide my surprise. Ricky wrapped a defensive arm around my waist and I looked up at him and then back to Grace. "Would you like a drink? We have plenty to choose from." I asked and she nodded, the two of us going over to the drinks table a few steps away. I could feel Ricky's eyes on the two of us, as if he knew something that I didn't. I tried to not let it worry me. It was probably just confusion or something.

Grace poured herself a glass of wine and I picked up another bottle of cider, taking the cap off and then sipping some. This was suddenly very awkward.

"So how have you been?" I asked her as we sat down on the sofa Simon and Peanut had vacated. She nodded and sipped some of her wine. Grace was far prettier than myself. She had large, brown, almond shaped eyes hidden behind some vintage glasses and a button nose. Her smile was pretty and genuine. She was gorgeous and I could very clearly see why Ricky dated her for all that time.

"Good thanks. Busy, but good." She said, smiling up at Lizzie as she came over to us and sat down. "How have you been? Enjoying your time on the show?" She asked and I nodded.

"I guess busy is good," I said and she hummed in agreement. "It's been a lot of fun. I've already learnt a lot from it and gained a lot." I said and she nodded. We had, of course, immediately slipped into an awkward convocation in which Ricky would be mentioned at some point. I wanted to be friends with her, but I knew that me dating her ex was hardly ideal. He made me happier than anyone else so I wasn't going to stop dating him for her sake. 

We chatted for a good hour, Lizzie occasionally making a point or adding a witty line to make the three of us laugh. After the initial awkwardness, we had gelled quite well and, surprisingly, were getting on like a house on fire. Grace was funny, intelligent and very witty, three qualities that so deeply reminded me of my ex. I guess Ricky and I both went for the same type of people. We had gotten onto the topic of relationships and we spoke about our past loves. It was something I rarely spoke about but the drink was beginning to go to my head and I was past the point of caring. She was kind and understanding about the whole thing, though, as awkward as it was. 

The party had reduced in size by 11, Lizzie and the rest of the Voice team, bar Grace, having left along with Nathan and a few of Ricky's other friends who had stopped by. Rick sat beside me eating a piece of birthday cake and talking to Simon who was on the other side of me, Grace, who was too eating a slice of cake, catching up with Sarah. VJ and Rah had gone home to relieve the babysitter of their duties and Whitey was travelling back up to Leeds so had also departed. It was a lot more relaxed and casual - I could see Ricky was very happy about that. The band were going on tour across the UK at the end of February so there was a lot of planning going into that. 

Everyone had gone by half 11 apart from myself. Ricky had allowed me to stay at his house for the night as we would be off to Elstree together in the morning. Rick had gone to bed and I stood in the kitchen making us both a drink, trying to find a way of washing away the buzz in my head caused by the drink I had had. It never took much to make my head go fuzzy. 

I returned to the bedroom to find Ricky laying under the covers, eyes shut and a smile on his face. I placed the drinks down and then got ready for bed, putting on one of Ricky's sweatshirts which was laying at the foot of the bed. I got under the covers and kissed his forehead, sipping my hot chocolate and scrolling through my phone, liking a few photos that had been posted from Ricky's party. My mentions were filled with the same photo that someone had taken of me and Ricky stood together, his arm around my shoulder and lips pressed to my temple, a position we were regularly in. I tweeted a few of them back and then set my alarm for half six, finished my drink and slid under the covers, cuddling up to Rick.

"Sleep well, my love." He grumbled and I slowly fell asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

"There's been a massive change of plan." Ricky said, voice panicked. Grace and I looked over to him from where I was getting changed into my rehearsal outfit. "We have an hour of rehearsals and that's it – straight into the knockouts." Ricky had been stressed for most of the morning. First we had run out of coffee, then the car hadn't started, then we got to the studio half an hour late due to traffic and now this. It seemed the world was against him today. "What the fuck am I meant to do? I thought I had it all planned out but we're changing your song and the others still haven't nailed their performances!" He began to pace, palms pressed together and chin resting on his thumbs, like he was praying. I looked over to Grace who looked back at me. We both looked back to Ricky.

"We just won't change my song. That's fine. Or we can change it to something slightly different." Grace continued to hem my trousers but hummed in agreement anyway. "What about, say, Twice? I love that one." I suggested and Ricky thought for a moment and then nodded. "Here, go grab me my guitar and I'll have a go at it." I threw him the key to my locker and watched him bound of to find my acoustic. I wasn't going to let on quite how panicked I was at the fact I was having to do this with two hours to go, but that was a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. That gave me enough time to run through the song almost fifty times. That was more than enough.

But then, after today I could be moving up to Elstree for two months to rehearse, do press, and try and get used to 'celebrity life.' I suppose I already had after the amount of times my face had been sprawled across the press these last few months.

Ricky returned a few minutes later and handed me my keys and guitar. I placed my key back on the side and picked up my phone, listening to the song and playing along with it, Ricky intensely watching me as I did.

"Yeah, I think that will do brilliantly." Ricky said with a smile as I paused the music before it got go into the next song. "It will be even better with you singing." He said and I smiled at him, then playing again but singing. This time, Grace stood to watch, making sure that the material beneath my arms wasn't going to tear or that the sleeves of my blouse weren't going to catch on the strings. Thankfully I didn't, and I played the song through perfectly. They both stood watching me, both smiling and then applauding me once I finished. 

"That was amazing." Grace said with a smile and I thanked her, blushing and then placing my guitar back down.

"Yeah, G's right. It was beautiful." He said with a grin, then coming over to me and kissing my forehead. "Oh you know how to restore my faith, don't you?" He sighed and gave me a grin. "I've got to go sort out Theo. I'll be back in half an hour or so, sweets." He said and gave me a proper kiss before leaving, Grace and I alone again. She straightened out my top and then handed me a jacket to put on so I didn't get cold whilst we were recording, the air conditioning on high so none of the equipment overheated, even in the height of winter. 

"We should go get coffee together once you're living up here." Grace suggested as she ran the lint roller over me. "I'll be up here too as, sadly, I'll be needed every day too. I don't see why you can't just practice in a hoodie and joggers." She said with a chuckle, passing me my boots. 

"I don't either. But I love the stuff you put me in so I'm fine either way. Comfortable, but cool." I told her and she grinned at me. I was so happy that we were finally getting along; it made life so much easier for the both of us. We chatted for a few minutes more until Lizzie came in to whisk me away to makeup, my guitar slung over one shoulder, bag the other and hoodie in my hand.  

Lizzie had gotten to work on covering up my newly formed spots and dark circles when my phone vibrated and I looked down, seeing someone had linked me a tweet from head of The Sun's entertainment segment, Dan Wootton, appear on my screen.

_9.34 @rickywilson4838xx: Ew! I knew that there was something wrong with @alixgardner "@danwootton: #EXCLUSIVE – Alix Gardner's Secret Lesbian Past. http:///thesun.co.uk/bizzare/..."_

I froze and locked my screen, the colour rushing from my face and stomach churning. Lizzie looked at me with wide eyes. 

"Ali sweets, are you okay?" I asked and shook my head, standing and rushing to the bathroom. My phone had dropped from my hands and onto the floor of the greenroom. Lizzie would see. She would think the same. Everyone would.

I knelt over the toilet and threw up, tears filling my eyes and knuckles turning white from how tightly I was holding the rim of the toilet. I finished being sick and sat back against the wall, locking the stall and beginning to cry into my hands. This couldn't be happening. I knew they had it wrong, that there was no 'secret lesbian past' apart from my three-year long relationship with a woman but that was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing dirty. But I knew it was going to be turned into the most horrific thing known to man. I would lose everything all over again, all thanks to Gabbie. 

"Ali?" I heard Lizzie call through the stall door. "Sweets, open up." She said and I sniffled.

"Can I just have a moment?" I asked, tearing off some toilet roll and flushing the chain. I dabbed the tears away and breathed in and out deeply, trying to control myself. 

"You better not be smudging your eyeliner, Mrs. That took me forever." I laughed sadly and then blew my nose, throwing the piece of toilet roll down the toilet. I unlocked the door and looked at Lizzie, my eyes then going up to Ricky who was stood behind her, concern on his face and my phone clutched in his hand, knuckles white. I wasn't sure who he was angry at. I assumed it was me.  "Oh sweetie, come here." She sighed and pulled me into her arms. I hugged her back awkwardly and looked up at Ricky who smiled at me. It's alright, he mouthed and then joined in the hug, the three of us stood cramped in the tiny cubical, unable to stand comfortably. I could hear my phone erratically beeping and pulled away, Ricky hesitantly giving it to me. 

"Don't listen to that shit, my love. We can talk it over if you want." He whispered, wrapping an arm around my waist. I clicked onto my messages and then to Gabbie's name. We hadn't texted each other since Christmas, and even that was just an awkward merry greeting, especially as she didn't celebrate Christmas.

_Alix: I'm sorry you've got wound up in all this. I had nothing to do with it, I promise. X_

I clicked back to twitter and breathed in. Ricky pressed a kiss to my head and Lizzie watched as I clicked onto my mentions, seeing them filled with slur and multiple links to the article. I pressed the link, and looked up to Ricky.

"Sure?" He asked me slowly and I nodded. 

_She Likes Girls_

_The Sun can today exclusively reveal that 22-year-old Alix Gardner is not as squeaky clean as the show is making her out to be. The Voice UK contestant was in a relationship with YouTube star Gabriella London for three years until they broke up in June 2015. The pair's relationship was regularly documented on London's YouTube channel, GabbieLondon, up until the end of their relationship when the Youtuber released a video all about why they had split up._

_"Ali and I are still great friends and we always will be, but sadly it was time to call it a day. We both have very different aspirations and we want to follow them, but our relationship was defiantly holding us back."_

_Gardner was introduced to her ex by her sister Anna, who is also a YouTube beauty guru. A source close to the The Voice contestant tells us that "Alix is still pretty cut up by the breakup. She wanted her and Gabriella to remain friends but they drifted apart. She's been finding a lot of comfort in being in a new relationship with Ricky but still misses her ex."_

_Gardner has been spotted on numerous dates with Voice coach and Kaiser Chief's front man Ricky Wilson in the last few weeks, with sources close to the singer telling us that the pair are 'ever so happy' together._

_The Voice UK returns on Saturday for the first of two battle rounds, and the new Kaiser Chiefs single, Good Clean Fun, is to be released on February 3rd._

"It's not that bad I guess." Ricky said with a frown, his hand gently rubbing my shoulder. "I guess the truth is all there, isn't it?" He asked and I nodded hesitantly. "Why didn't you tell me?" He questioned, voice soft and slightly sad, like he was upset I hadn't told him that I was bisexual.

"It never cropped up, so I never told you. Didn't think it would be a big deal." I told him, dabbing my eyes again and then slipping my phone into my pocket.

"And it's not, darling. It was just a bit of a surprise." He said with a chuckle, then kissing me softly. "No matter what your sexuality is, you're still my girl and I still think the world of you." He assured me and I smiled. "Now come on, how about Lizzie gets you cleaned up and then we can move on to these rehearsals, eh? Big day ahead – we don't want this twat ruining it for us, do we?" He asked and I shook my head, smiling. Lizzie gave me another hug and the three of us went back to the green room where Lizzie sat me down and easily fixed the makeup that had been washed away by my tears.

Ricky and I were in the studio ten minutes later and we set to work practicing my new song before the cameras began to roll. It had gone wonderfully and by the end of the two hours (the first and last ten minutes being recorded in the studio, the rest in our greenrooms) I felt confident and ready to perform. 

After lunch I felt more calm and collected, and overall more ready for the performance. I'd on off texted Gabbie and she seemed to be fine with all the drama we were being dragged through, both of us knowing that it was out on the internet and there was nothing else we could do apart from keep our heads held high and to ignore the fuss being made. It was far easier than it sounded, mind. I had overheard a whispered conversation from team Will at lunchtime about it, and how I was now the queer mascot for the show. That was something I was going to be sure I embraced.

Team Ricky was going on third. It was an agonising four hour wait, however it meant I could do some secret practicing just to further my confidence in my song and my performance. I was going to smash it, I had to. I couldn't let the pressure crush me. Like it did to Ricky, it had to make me stronger. 

I was on at half past five. Grace had got me changed into a dress and knee high boots, something we had both decided looked great on me. She gave me a tight hug to say goodbye before passing me onto Lizzie who changed my eye look and lipstick. She too gave me a hug of confidence and then took me to the side of the stage where I waited with the rest of the contestants until it was time for us to go on.

Everyone around me was either terrified or unhappy. I was performing fourth, slap bang in the middle of everyone else. I just remembered to calm my breathing and focus on anything but the words around me. Ricky had come over to give us all a good luck hug, mine lasting a few seconds longer than that of the other contestants. I gave him a confident smile and he smiled back. 

"Best of luck, sweetheart." He whispered and then moved on to give Kitty, who was stood beside me, a hug.

We went on a few minutes later and I looked over to the crowd, seeing how they were all cheering and screaming various names, none of them mine. I assume most of them were friends or family, of which I had none in the crowd. We were all made to hold hands as Emma went through the announcement of who we all were and what team we were on, everyone screaming when Ricky was mentioned. Kevin was up first, then Kitty, Theo and then myself.

My turn came far too quickly. I made my way to the middle of the stage and looked over to Ricky who had his mouth covered with his hands, eyes looking into mine. I could tell he was desperate for me to do well and there was no way I was going to disappoint him.

We had decided I wasn't going to play the guitar this time and would instead only sing, letting the song showcase my voice without straying away from my depart beloved indie music. The song began and I wrapped my hands around microphone on its stand, listening to the drums and guitar, coming in the second I was meant to. I tapped my foot along as I sang the verse, pulling the microphone from its stand as the chorus hit. We had run through the staging earlier that day and I knew exactly what I was meant to be doing, from making eye contact with Ricky to when I was going to over exaggerate the actions I was making throughout the song to make me seem more rocky. I had seen Ricky do it a lot in the videos I had watched of him on stage. It felt weird doing it, knowing that it really wasn't a very me thing to be doing but the crowd was going mental and clearly enjoying it. I looked over to Ricky, his eyes filling me with a confident warmth that I needed whilst trying to go as low as Van did in the song. He was grinning at me throughout the performance and I knew his heart was full of pride. I loved him and wanted him to be proud of me.

I looked to the other coaches who were all stood up dancing along, much like the crowd. I hit the final long note and was met by screaming and applause from the crowd, all four coaches stood up clapping. My heart was overcome with joy that I had done well and that Ricky was proud of me. I wouldn't want it any other way.

"Alix everyone!" Emma said and the crowd cheered. Ricky gave me a double thumbs up and grinned. I went back over to the other girls and have each of them a hug, watching all of the other performances. Everyone was amazing and I was beginning to feel anxious that Ricky wasn't actually going to pick me. If he did, brilliant, but if he didn't I would have no idea what to do with myself. "So Paloma, who do you think Ricky should take through to the lives?" Emma asked and Paloma sat up and looked down the line at us.

"I thought you were all amazing but I think Theo was the best today." I looked down the line to the man in question who was smiling at her. Theo had had fame before. He'd been in a boyband in the 90's  – he didn't need to win this competition like some of us did; like I did. I looked over to Ricky who was frantically writing stuff down in his notebook.

"I thought you were all so amazing." George said and I looked over to him, smiling. "But Alix, you know I love you an awful lot and you were by far my favourite tonight so I'd have to put you through." He said and I smiled, thanking him. I could feel Theo glaring at me.

"Yeah I thought the same. Alex you were dope and that was my favourite performance of yours, but Kitty you were good too – I think Ricky has done so well to get your voice up to where it is now. I'd put you both through." He said and I smiled at him, once again not bothering to correct the way he pronounced my name. We all looked over to Ricky and he sighed, flicking through his notebook and reading a few of the earlier pages. 

"Right, okay. You were all so amazing and I'm proud of every single one of you but I've made my choice." He said and the crowds started to shout names again. I looked down at my shoes and let out a long breath. Kitty, who was stood beside me, took my hand and I looked up and smiled at her. I'd never had anything to do with her before but she seemed to be nice. Perhaps if she got through we would talk more. There simply hadn't been time to talk to any of the other contestants for the rest of the day. "The first person in putting through is Theo." My heart sank and I looked down to Theo, clapping like the rest of my team were. I looked over to Ricky again and smiled hopefully. He smiled back and then looked down at his notebook. "The second person going through is Alix." I breathed out a sigh of relief and went over to Emma who was stood with Theo. He hugged me awkwardly and I looked back to Ricky, wondering who he was going to put through. It seemed he didn't know who to put through either. "The third person going through is..." He was looking up and down the line until his eyes met with Theo's. He sighed and then flicked his eyes over to Kitty. "It's got to be Kitty, I'm sorry guys." He said and Kitty came over to us, giving us both a hug. 

"Let's give a massive round of applause to Team Ricky!" Emma said and I looked over to the rest of the team who traipsed off stage after they had received their lot of shouts and cheers from the crowd. "And it's time to meet your final three! Theo Davies, Alix Gardner and Kitty James!" Emma said and the crowd cheered, Ricky then bounding up to us and standing between Kitty and myself, his arm around my waist and a grin on his face, his other arm slung around Kitty's shoulders. We then went of stage and Ricky gave us all a tight hug, and a word of congratulation before he left to go back to recording.

Rick came back just after half seven. The three of us had gone off to have some photos taken for the shows social media channels but that didn't take long. We had been lounging and relaxing for a while in our dressing rooms, knowing that we had to have a big final 12 meeting before we could go home. 

Rick entered the dressing room and grinned at us all. He came and sat beside me, his arm wrapping around my shoulders and lips pressing a kiss to my temple. I hummed and then looked over to him. 

"How was the rest of the knockouts?" I asked and he nodded, standing and going to get himself a bottle of water from the mini bar. He leant against the wall and had a sip.

"Yeah, really good. You did amazingly, I'm very proud of you." He said and I cooed, placing a hand on my heart. "Hey you, don't mock me." He laughed and then sat back down beside me, his arms wrapping around me again. "We're going out for a dinner as a team tonight, the four of us. I was thinking we could go to that restaurant you spotted this morning." He suggested and I nodded with a hum, his hand beginning to play with my hair again. 

"Sounds lovely, Rick." I told him and then reached up to kiss his cheek. "Will be nice to spend some time with the others. I haven't really spoken to any of them yet so it'll be nice to get to know them." I said and he nodded, smiling.

"You're a lovely bunch so I'm sure you'll all get on fine. If you can get on with Grace, you can get on with anyone." He joked and I laughed, the two of us pulling apart when there was a knock at the door. 

"Come in!" I called and watched the door open, Aaron stepping in and looking at Ricky, then me. "How can I help?" I asked and Ricky stood, leaving. 

"We need you to come join the lives meeting. Give you your flat key and stuff." He said and I nodded, standing and then following him through to the meeting room where everyone else was sitting and talking amongst themselves. Ricky was sat in the corner of the room with George and offered me a grin when I entered. I sat where my name place was, beside Kitty and one of team George, Lalia, and then looked at the folder in front of me. It was thick and filled to the brim with paperwork and contracts for me to sign, as well as brand deals and contracts linked to the flat. The reading and signing of it took almost an hour between us, Aaron talking it through with everyone and, in some cases, persuading us to sign contracts we didn't really want to. Especially the relationship one. I was especially anxious about signing away my privacy on that one.

By nine we were out of the meeting room with the keys to our new flats and a wedge of paperwork in our hands. I was excited to move into the new complex, Ricky's flat right beside mine. It would be a new and exciting experience for me, seeing as I had only ever lived in Brighton before now. We were moving up tomorrow through to Sunday, all costs covered. I was, in some ways, glad to be leaving Brighton behind me for a while. There was a lot of happy memories but a lot of terrible ones too. Being away and being with Ricky would do me good.

The four of us arrived at the restaurant half an hour later and sat down at our table, talking and drinking. We were getting on well, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit awkward around Theo. It was like he knew I didn't really like him (I liked him for no reason, though. I did that a lot.) Kitty and I, however, were acting like we'd known each other for years. That did probably have something to do with the volume of alcohol we had both drunk. Ricky had only drunk soft drinks, knowing that he would have to transport us three home. I would be staying with him tonight, again. Secretly, he was going to be very glad once we moved up to Elstree as I wouldn't be hogging up his bed as regularly. Well, maybe I would be.

"Come on gang, let's get you lot home." Ricky said after paying for our meals. The three of us stood, Kitty and I both quite wobbly. Ricky came round and held us both up, shaking his head and laughing. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. "Straight to bed when we get in, Mrs. You've had a busy day." He sighed, kissing the top of my head. I nodded and grunted in agreement, allowing him to guide Kitty and I out of the restaurant, Theo following beside us. As was to be expected, paps were crowding the restaurant as we left, each of them shouting different questions at us. Theo was playing up to it, answering any questions directed to him whilst Kitty rushed to the car, Rick and I blocking our eyes from the bright flashes as we got back to Ricky's car. I sat in the front with him and we waited for Theo to shut up and get in the car too. I looked out the window and over to him, seeing how he was smugly looking back at me whilst talking to one of the journalists. I felt my skin crawl and then looked back to Ricky who was putting the key in the ignition so he could turn on the heated seats. It was bloody freezing.

"I wish he would hurry up." Kitty huffed, then winding down the window and yelling something slurred at Theo who then turned and came over, getting in beside her and doing the window back up again. "Stop being a suck up and ignore the shitty paps. It's not the 90's anymore." She huffed and both Rick and I exchanged a glance, trying not to laugh at the older woman's comment. Kitty was a lot older than us, even Ricky. She was in her late forties whilst Theo was in his late thirties. I was now the youngest contestant in the competition after the 16 year old on Will's team got kicked off. It was somehow terrifying to be the youngest contest and the only gay, in my case partially gay, contestant left. It was like I had a lot of people behind me, relying on me. Perhaps I was overreacting, but that was what it seemed.

"Come on, Kit. Play nice." Ricky chuckled and I smiled at him, leaning over to take his hand as he started to drive us to Kitty's flat in Watford and then to Theo's house in Potters Bar. We returned to Rick's place just after one and went straight to bed. He put one of his Fleetwood Mac records on and then helped me to get ready for bed, him taking off my dress and then replacing it with his favourite navy hoodie. I made my way through to the bathroom and took off my makeup, the sound of Stevie Nicks flooding into the room and slowly sobering me up. I went back to the bedroom and looked at Ricky who was laying in top of the duvet in only his boxers, his eyes slowly gazing up to meet mine.

"Someone's feeling broody." I said with a grin, going over to the bed and kneeling beside him, my knees against his bicep and head hovering over his. "Are you?" I asked and he reached up to kiss me, hand threading through my hair to bring me close. I moved myself around, knees either side of his hips and hands on his bare chest. "Mhm, very broody." I grinned and he laughed, sitting up, keeping me on his lap. 

"Not my fault you're gorgeous, is it?" He asked and I blushed, kissing him again. "And yeah, I'm pretty broody." He laughed, hands running under the jumper and up my back, his lips connecting with mine again. He slid the jumper off and then threw it onto the floor beside us, hands running up my sides and then to my shoulders. I pulled back and looked at him, head slightly tilted. He looked back at me and smiled, frowning when I shivered. 

"Far enough for tonight. I'm freezing and tired." I said with a yawn and he nodded, leaning over to pick up the jumper again, then slipping it back over my head as I poked my arms into the sleeves. 

"Alright then, babe. Want me to go make you a cup of tea? I bought tea bags especially." He said, gently stroking the side of my face with his thumb. I nodded and he kissed my forehead, then going downstairs to make me a cup of tea. I got under the covers and picked up my phone from the bedside table, bringing my knees to my chest and resting my chin on them. I scrolled through my notifications and tweeted back a few fans once again, then retweeting the photo of the four of us Kitty had taken earlier that night. 

_01:49 @alixgardner: Great night with @rickontour @kitty1972 and @TheoDavies! Great times ahead._

Rick came back a few minutes later and handed me my mug, then slipping into bed beside me and picking up his phone, having a look through his messages and Instagram tags as he drank his cup of coffee. 

"I'm lucky to have you, you know? You make me so happy." Ricky said to me in a hushed voice twenty minutes later when we laid spooning in bed. "Nothing can ever change that. No scummy articles, no secrets you may have and no one else." He whispered, face nuzzled into my hair. I was half asleep, the duvet up to our necks and room totally silent apart. "We're going to win this together, I know it." He whispered and I smiled, cuddling back into him and feeling his arms tighten around me.  

"Oh for gods sake you, come here." I grinned and pulled the covers over us, gladly allowing one thing to lead to another.


	13. Chapter 13

"Oh dear, someone drank too much last night." I glared at Ricky and put the kettle on, going over to him and resting my head on his shoulder. "Coffee's only going to give you a worse headache, Ali." He said, voice soft and hand reaching up to stroke my now-greasy hair. "How about I go run you a bath, hmm? That'll make you feel better." He said and kissed my forehead as I replied with a little hum. He went off to the bathroom and I poured the now boiling water into my mug and added coffee, sugar and milk before heading upstairs and to the bathroom where Ricky was stood testing the water temperature with his hand. He looked over at me when I entered and offered me a tired smile, my hands wrapping around my mug.

"I've gotta go home in an hour." I told him. "Only train running down to Brighton is at 8. Strikes, again." I placed my mug down and took off the hoodie I was wearing, hanging it on the back of the door and then perching on the edge of the bath in only my underwear. "And then the movers are getting here at 10... Why the hell did you let me drink so much last night?" I asked him and he chuckled, leaning over to kiss my hair.

"Because, my love, you got through to the live shows. You deserved to celebrate." He chuckled and I shrugged, then getting into the bath which Rick had now started to fill with bubbles. He sat on the edge of the bath and lazily ran his fingers up and down my shin as I shut my eyes and let the hot water calm my aching muscles and sooth my head. "I'll take you home, and then drive you up to Elstree. I don't have a lot of stuff to take, perhaps a box or two, so I can just do that tonight." He told me and I opened my eyes, smiling at him.

"Oh you are a sweetheart, Rick." I told him and he smiled back at me, then standing up justas Reedus bundled into the bathroom with an enthusiastic bark. Ricky laughed and bent down to pet him happily.

"I'm off to walk this one. I'll be back in a bit." He said and then gave me a quick kiss before leaving the room, dog following him, his tail happily wagging. I picked up my mug and sat up, finishing my coffee and then sinking into the water so I could wash my hair.

I was dressed and had done my makeup by the time Ricky arrived home with Reedus. The two came up to the bedroom and Reedus pounced on me, his tail wagging happily whilst I cuddled with him and played with his ears, knowing that he loved it. Ricky went to go take a shower and returned ten minutes later, dressed in a jumper and jeans, his hair still damp and sticking up in all directions. Still, he looked cute.

"Feel better now?" He asked and I nodded, standing and putting on my coat. "Good, there's nothing worse than a hangover." He said and I agreed with a hum, picking up my bag and then taking his hand.

"Please never let me drink that much ever again." I said, resting my head on his bicep. He chuckled and moved his hand to go around my waist and led me to the front door. We went out to the car, the wind hissing and howling through the trees. Rick and I got into his car and he began to drive us back to Brighton, merrily singing along to the radio as we went.

The movers were already there when we got there. I had phoned them to let them know we may be a bit late after I was sick in the toilets of the service station we went to. Rick had ensured that we didn't leave until I was feeling less dizzy and so we spent an hour there, sat at the back of the Starbucks. I felt fine and knew that it was just the night before catching up with me but Rick was none the less worried.

I went in and helped them load up the boxes whilst Rick went into town to get a new lead for Reedus. We had seen one in one of the boutiques when we were last in Brighton and Rick instantly regretted buying it. Initially, he didn't want me doing anything in fear that I would topple over or throw up. However, after half an hour of reassurance that i was okay, he let me get in with it.

My boxes were packed with clothes, beauty gear and bedding. I was unsure of what I needed to pack and we hadn't been given a list, so I just took everything I thought I would need, from and extra pillow to my favourite mug. It wasn't the end of the world if I forgot something - Anna came up to London twice a week so she could always bring the bits up.

We were packed up by midday and Ricky had returned, finishing off the packing so I could have a sit down for an hour. My stomach and head were now aching again and I felt like I was going to be sick at any moment. I was never getting that drunk ever again. We drove up to Elstree with the van behind us and reached our new home at three. The complex was large and made almost fully from glass. It had a gym in the basement and a large hot tub on the lawn, it was the most modern and luxurious place I had ever been to. My apartment was on the second floor, overlooking the gardens. Rick and I shared a balcony which was big enough for a small table and a few chairs. Rick had suggested we sat out there and watched the sunset tonight, but I still felt crap and an early night suited me far better.

"You brought a lot of crap with you." Rick informed me as he laid my blanket over my bed. "I mean... do you really need a whisk?" He asked, looking over to where my pile of kitchen stuff was.

"Well, I don't have one and what if I want to make me, or us if you're lucky, pancakes one day? I'd need a whisk." He looked at me for a few seconds and then shook his head, turning back and straightening my blanket, then going over to flatten one of the boxes back down. "I'll use it in the morning, make us pancakes to celebrate the move." I suggested and he nodded with a grin. Another wave of nausea hit me and I stood, racing to the bathroom. Rick followed quickly and held my hair back for me, his hand gently rubbing my back as I threw up again, my throat stinging and head aching. I sat back up again a few minutes later once I could feel my stomach settling. I leant up to flush the toilet and ripped off some toilet roll, wiping my mouth with it. I leant back, into Ricky's arms, and slowly fell asleep, his hand gently rubbing my stomach and lips kissing my hairline.

When I woke up, I was tucked under the covers, a glass of water on my bedside table and the curtains closed. I sat up and checked my watch - noticing that it was half nine and there was still a lot of noise downstairs. I got up and made my way from my room and down to the living area where Ricky was sat beside Grace, the pair laughing at one of George's jokes. His hand was on her thigh and my heart sunk. Ricky stood up when he saw me enter and came over, giving me a big hug which I returned half heartedly, looking at Grace who was looking back at me, a twisted smile on her face. I pulled away and then sat down on the empty sofa and tucked my legs under me, watching as Ricky went back to where he was sat, picked up his mug and then came and sat beside me. Grace, who had perked up when Rick went over, sunk back into her seat and looked over at me, frowning.

"How are you feeling? Better for your sleep?" Rick asked, his arm wrapping around my shoulders in an attempt to move me closer to him. I stayed in my position, looking over at him and taking his other hand in mine.

"Yeah, I think so." I said and he smiled at me, gently kissing my temple and then looking over at Grace who gave him a smile. Ricky smiled back. "It's too loud in here, I'm going to go and get some air." I told Ricky and then stood, making a quick exit and going in the direction of the garden.

"Ali? Ali!" Ricky called as he came after me. I turned and looked at him, the elder freezing in his place. "What's the matter?" He asked with a sad sigh, taking a step forward and then reaching for my hand which I stuffed into my pocket.

"I would quite like to be on my own right now, Rick." I said to him and then turned, continuing on my way and ignoring Ricky's calls for me to return. I got to the garden and went out, smiling at Paloma and Kitty who were sat in the hot tub.

"Hey Alix, you alright?" Paloma asked me and I went over to the hot tub, sitting on the edge of the tub and giving her a sad smile. "Oh no, what's happened?" She asked, sadly. I looked down at my lap and rubbed my face with my hands.

"If you were to find your 'boyfriend' sad cuddling with his ex-girlfriend, what would you do?" I asked the pair and Paloma shrugged, hands resting on her baby bump. "I mean, am I just being a fool here or... I mean, Ricky wouldn't do that, would he?" I asked hopefully and Paloma sighed and tilted her head.

"Rick is a great guy. He' just being nice, he probably doesn't realise that he's upsetting you..." She suggested and Kitty enthusiastically nodded in agreement. "I mean, he's got a reputation for being a ladies man but he likes you a lot so I wouldn't worry, poppet." I smiled at her comment and nodded, then being hit by another feeling of sickness.

"My god, when will this stop." I groaned and went back inside, going through to the bathroom opposite the kitchen. I threw up again, not looking around when I felt a hand rubbing my back and holding my hair from my face.

"Don't worry, Alix." I cringed when I realised that the person aiding me was Grace. "Rick will soon come to his senses... I mean, what do you really think he would want to do, hmm? Settle down with the woman carrying his baby or constantly complain about his 'girlfriend' who finds pleasure in getting pissed?" I froze at the word baby and looked over my shoulder, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"You're pregnant?" I asked and she chuckled, giving me a sad smile. It was like she had just told a joke and I didn't understand it. She gently stroked my hair and sighed.

"No, not yet." She said and then stood up, leaving and slamming the door shut behind her. I groaned and turned back to the toilet, flushing the chain and heaving myself up before padding back into the living room and sitting beside Ricky who had since returned to his seat beside Ricky.

"I'm sorry for shouting, just not feeling too good." I told him and he nodded, arm wrapping around my shoulder. "Let's go up to bed." I whispered and he raised an eyebrow, giving me a knowing smile. If this was the way Grace was going to play, then I was going to play too.

This was war.

Rick and I went up to his room, passing Grace as we went up the stairs. She watched us go past with a frown and I gave her a grin, allowing Ricky to continue to lead me up the long staircases. The minute we were inside, the door was locked and I was pressed against it, his lips meeting mine and my body pressed against his. He picked me up, my legs wrapping around his waist and arms around his neck as he put his hands on my arse. I kissed him again, grinning at him and pressing our foreheads together as he carried me to the bed and placed me down. I laid down, taking off my jumper and helping him to take of his t-shirt. He placed his knees beside my hips and placed his hands beside my shoulders, his lips reaching down to meet mine again. I felt comfortable like this, but at the same time I felt guilty. Last night, we were just kissing and playing around whereas tonight, we were going all the way but I felt like I was doing it for the wrong reason, that I was just doing this for Grace rather than myself and Ricky.

It was clear that Ricky could see I was having second thoughts because he immediately clambered off of me and gave me a hesitant look. He then sighed and laid down beside me, one arm wrapping around me and the other rubbing my stomach.

"Still not feeling too good, Ali? Or is there... something else?" He asked me and I turned onto my side so the two of us were face to face. His eyes weren't as bright as normal and the bags under his skin were darker than normal.

"I could ask you the same." I said with a soft laugh. "You look so tired and... Sad. Do we need to have a heart to heart?" I asked and he laughed too, hand reaching up to run through my hair. "Because I think I have some stuff to... clarify." He nodded and then sat up, pulling the duvet over us and then tucking me into his side.

"I'm okay with that... And I think I have some stuff too. Do you want me to go first?" He asked and I nodded, looking up at him as I also sat up. "Well, I feel like you're not telling me something, what I don't know, but I just feel like there's something between us that needs solving. I... I mean, it's not like I don't think that you don't like me or anything like that, but I can't help but think there's something keeping us more apart than I would want my girlfriend to be." He said and I frowned, wrapping the duvet tighter around me. "I might be wrong, but I just feel like that. Also, I don't know why you didn't tell me about your sexuality - it's not important but some forewarning would have been nice." He laughed awkwardly and I smiled, then yawning and leaning into him.

"I didn't tell you about my sexuality because I never thought that we would get this far and that the press would start to write articles about me and my sexuality, or Gabbie and I. I thought it would just be another thing swept under the rug, like my mental health. I mean, I've got no other secrets. You know almost everything there is to know about me... There's no secrets so please don't think that there is. And for me, I'm just worried that you and Grace don't hate each other as you make out that you do, you seemed to be getting on well earlier." I said, voice soft and awkward. He tilted his head and looked at me, frowning.

  
"Grace and I... Well, it's complicated. We've been friends for four years and, whilst she may be my ex, she's still my mate. I was just angry that she'd split up with me which is why I had a go at her. We're just friends and I'm sorry if it's ever seemed like more. But please remember, Ali. You're my girlfriend and I'm not that kind of guy. I don't cheat, I promise." I looked up at him and hesitantly nodded. "Well, now we've got that out of the way, you're going to sleep because I'm worried about you. A hangover never lasts more than a few hours. If you're still feeling ill in the morning, I'm taking you to the doctors." I laid down and looked up at him, blinking slowly.

"Alright." I grumbled, yet to disclose my fear of hospitals to Ricky. "But I'll be fine. It was just a nasty combination of motion sickness and my hangover." I assured him, shutting my eyes and yawning again. "You're sleeping with me too. You're my hot water bottle." I told him, Rick then sighing and softly chuckling before laying on his side and wrapping an arm around me, his other arm reaching up to switch off the bedroom light. "Thanks." I whispered, drifting off as his fingers ran up and down my bare side. We were content and Grace's earlier statement had been wiped from my mind. I trusted Ricky, but I hated that he didn't trust me. 


	14. Chapter 14

_TW: Some mentions of homophobia towards the end_

Really, we had moved up to Elstree too early. Whilst Saturday and Sunday evening was spent sat watching the show, the rest of the week seemed fairly pointless and rather boring. I had done an interview with Now magazine on Tuesday and one with the Sun on Friday (all the contestants had to do one but apparently mine had the toughest questions) but the rest of the week had just been us getting to know each other and squabbling over who could use the television and when. That was something I didn't quite understand as we all had our own televisions in our rooms.

We started rehearsals on the 27th , just over a week since in. We would have a week to perfect our performance for the first live show and try and get as many fans as possible so we stood some chance of getting through to the semi-finals. Rick had suggested I went outside the studio one day and had a chat with the people waiting around for him and the other judges. I did so on the Monday when everyone knew who was through to the lives, so nothing came as any shock.

It was cold, windy and hadn't stopped raining all day but even with that, I battled outside and over to the large group who had been waiting outside the studio ever since we got there at 9. I went out with some umbrellas and Styrofoam cups of tea which were hurriedly taken from me. The group of about nine people were all very kind and all there for Ricky. I was asked for a photo with them all and had a quick chat about the show and Ricky. Alice was there again as well as Linda and Natalie, two fans who we had regularly seen at the studio. I spoke with them for half an hour before Rick came out and joined me, just as the rain began to ease off. He gave them each another cup of tea and stood chatting and taking photos for ten minutes before we had to go back home. We left after giving them all another hug, Ricky taking my hand as we went back to his car which was parked around the back of the studio.

"What did I say, eh? Going out and having a chat with the people there is going to look really good for you. My little fan base can have a massive effect on this competition." He said proudly, leaning over to turn up the temperature of the heating in an attempt to stop me from freezing to death. I'd gotten very cold and very wet whilst stood outside so the extra warmth was a bonus.

"Well, I do hope you're right and I didn't just get soaked for no reason." I told him with a pout, looking out of the window and at the trees we were rushing past. "Tonight, I think I have a date with a hot bath and a film." I informed Rick and he chuckled, shaking his head. "Don't laugh - you're the one that nearly made my fingers bleed because you were so insistent that I kept playing my bloody guitar!" I said, looking over at him and grinning.

_"I've chosen your song." Ricky told me as we sat down opposite each other, the cameras focusing on us. "It's This Town by Niall Horan." I had never heard the song before, but Rick had reassured me that it would suit me perfectly. "You can play the guitar again and make us all cry. Again." I laughed in reply and shook my head, grinning at him._

_"Well, if you don't like it then you need to stop giving me songs that make you cry, don't you?" He shook his head and chuckled, then handing me the lyrics and sheet music so I could go and get rehearsing._

_Ricky and I did both cry during the first run through. I stood in the centre of the stage whilst he sat crossed legged on the floor a few meters in front of me so he could hear me 'raw and beautifully' rather than hooked up to the sound system or in his reverberant dressing room. He was crying by the end of the first chorus whilst it took me until the bridge. I never managed to finish the song and instead sat down beside him, his arm wrapping around me the pair of us singing the song together with tearful eyes and slightly of-pitch voices._

_I had managed to perform without crying by three and Rick could listen to me without crying by six. I had been going over and over the song since then, ensuring that I had memorised the lyrics and chords. It was the perfect song for my voice but, much like the other songs he had picked for me, didn't really show off my range. 'Week two and you will be singing something by Muse or Stereophonics - we don't want to wear your voice out this week, do we? ' He had told me with a smile. I knew that he was plotting something for me and I was suspicious._

We got back to the complex just before nine and I went straight up to have a bath, Rick putting a pizza in the oven for us. Neither of us had eaten since breakfast so I was starving, but my bath was far more important.

Dinner was finished and sat on the table when I went into the living area and Rick was already setting up a film for us to watch. He turned to look over at me when I entered and smiled, walking over and taking his seat opposite me.

"How're you feeling now?" He asked me and I shrugged, looking at my sore fingers. "I didn't mean that, I meant the sickness. Has it subsided?" I had been sick this morning and every other morning since we'd been here. Ricky assumed I had some sort of bug but I knew it was just the nerves from the show. Being around new people 24/7 and moving away from home was no where near as relaxing and fun as I thought it was going to be and I instead spent every day worrying that  they were bitching about me or that Grace was going to try something again.

After mine and Rick's heart to heart, he had stayed pretty far away from Grace and only spoke to her when it was concerning Reedus or our outfits for the show. I didn't want him dropping her as a friend in favour of me, but at the same time I wanted her to realise that I was his girlfriend now, something she still just couldn't accept. Her being nice to me was just a ploy to befriend me so she could make me break up with Rick and there was no way I was falling for it. I had already made enough mistakes in my relationships, I wasn't going to make another one.

"No, not really. But it's just nerves, Rick. Please don't worry." I told him, beginning to eat my pizza. "I just need to get this performance over and done with and then I'll be fine." I told him and he sighed, then beginning to eat. "Whilst flattered you're so worried, please don't panic." I sighed with a sad smile and he then nodded, sighing.

"There's no chance you could be pregnant, is there?" He asked and I laughed, placing my cutlery down and shaking my head.

"Rick, we've had sex once. I'm on the pill, and you wore a condom so, no. Unless we are that 0.01%, there's no chance I'm pregnant." I told him, reaching over to take his hand with a smile. We had had sex a few weeks ago, after I got through the battles, and it was really just a bit of fun, the two of us giggling and chatting throughout, then going to sleep as soon as we'd finished up.

"But there's still the chance." He said with a frown, tilting his head. "I mean, it wouldn't hurt for us to get it checked out, would it?" His voice was suddenly a lot softer and more caring, his lip bitten. "I'm not saying that you are pregnant, but, I mean, I would love it if you were." I chuckled in reply to his comment and squeezed his hand.

"And I would love it if I was too but we can't go jumping to conclusions, can we? Leave it until after the first show; we'll know by then, I'm sure." I told him and then went back to eating. "Let's just forget about it for now... The lives are far more important." He nodded and then went back to eating, the two of us sitting in silence whilst we ate, listening to the argument George was having with Lalia in the garden. I felt like mine and Rick's discussing had made things a tad awkward between us, the prospect of me having a baby with him was both terrifying and exciting, but I highly doubted that I was. At least the papers would have a great story to tell.

We finished dinner and decided to forget about watching a film. Instead, we headed downstairs and into the lounge where Paloma was laying on one of the sofas, her feet propped up on Kitty's lap as they watched Eastenders. Will and Theo were sat on the other. I sat down on the spare sofa and Rick sat beside me, his arm wrapping around my shoulder and hand dipping into his pocket to get out his phone, uploading one of my promo photos onto Twitter.

_22.34: @rickontour: This is @AlixGardner. She's from Brighton and plays the guitar. Not evident from this photo, sadly. She's through to the live shows. Why not give her a follow? #VoteAlix_

_22.34: @rickywilson4838xx: @rickontour @alixgardner Ew - that's your girlfriend? You could do so much better._

_22.34: @tracylovesbands: @rickontour @alixgardner she's not going to last very long - why did you take her through instead of Lucy? #fix_

_22.35: @kaiserchiefs16: @rickontour @alixgardner she's the one who brought us tea! Lovely girl. Will be voting xox_

_22.35: @tiffy1993xo: @rickontour @alixgardner I ship you two so much! Alix is my favourite_

"See, they like you!" Rick said with a grin, handing me his phone so I could look through the comments. "I mean, there's always going to be a few, but don't worry." He said as I scrolled through his mentions. "Nothing for you to worry about, Ali." He gently stroked my cheek and I smiled at him, giving his phone back.

"With Rick coaching you, you're going to be a superstar, Alix." Paloma told me with a grin and I chuckled, then looking over to Theo who was staring at me, jaw locked and expression angry. I hated him and I knew that Kitty did to. I picked up my phone and began to scroll through my mentions, seeing one from my sister.

_29/01/16 19.59: @theannaedit: Proud sister. Love you lots @alixgardner x_

_30/01/16 22.47: @alixgardner: @theannaedit love you too, A. x_

_22.50: @rickontour: This is @TheoDavies. He's from London and has a dog called Rufus. He's also through to the live shows. Give him a follow too? #VoteTheo_

_22.50: @tiffy1993xo: @rickontour @theodavies omg he's so hot!!! #VoteTheo_

_22.52: @UltimateKaos: @rickontour @theodavies woo!!!! Go theo!!! #VoteTheo_

Theo sat smugly looking at his phone and then looked over at me.

"Seems you're not the only one with fans, sweetheart." He said with a chuckle and I rolled my eyes, Ricky pulling me close. "And I don't need to date my coach to get through to the live shows." He grinned at me, showing off his neat row of shiny veneers. "And he's not going to do anything because he doesn't want to lose his best shot at winning. Aka, me." He said and then slumped back into the sofa.

"Arrogance won't get you votes, Theo." I told him with a frown. "It'll only come back to bite you on the arse." I said and then cuddled back into Ricky, allowing him to stroke my hair as he put up the final tweet.

_23.08: @rickontour: Last, but by no means least, is the lovely @kitty1972! She's from Doncaster and runs a bakery. She is yet to make us any cakes. Dissapointed. Vote! #VoteKitty_

_23.10: @rickwilson1979: @rickontour @kitty1972 I love Kitty! She's got to make it through to the finals! #VoteKitty_

_23.11: @HazelGrace54: @rickontour @kitty1972 Hi Ricky. Won't be voting for any of them - I like Alix but only through cos she's your GF. Not fair._

"See, everyone knows it, Alix. Surely you have to choose between the competition and Ricky? It just looks bad on all of us when you're only here because you're fucking Rick." Paloma sat up and shook her head.

"You are a mean, selfish and nasty man. If you have this attitude, you don't deserve to be here. I'm sick of your horrible comments." She said and I looked over at her, giving her a smile. "Alix deserves to be here. She is a kind woman and has by far the best voice in the competition. You need to stop being horrible to her and try and work on your vocals, Theo." She stood up and made her way to her room, the room silent until Will began to talk.

"I think... I think you all just need to make up and get along. The competition won't be much fun if you're fighting." He said, looking at Theo and then me. "Alix is great, Theo's great, Kitty's great. You're all great. You just need to get on." He said, George and two of his contestants then entering. "The fighting has to stop, we need more peace in the world." George looked at me and then Theo, nodding.

"I don't know what this is about but peace creates happiness." He said, sitting down beside Kitty and giving her a cheerful smile. "You look so sad, Alix, what on Earth is the matter?" He asked, sitting forward and frowning at me. "Are you still ill?" His eyes were sad and he seemed genuinely worried about me. It just made me feel worse, knowing that another person was worried about me. It was bad enough that Ricky was panicking about me possibly being pregnant, and in term making me panic that I was possible pregnant, but George worrying about me was just too far. I had never had a lot to do with him and he didn't know me, so my emotions were clearly very out there.

Of course I was worried about the lives, my fear of rejection was through the roof and the articles being written about me and the comments made on Twitter were just bringing me down further and further. Ricky was acting weirdly and nobody else in the house wanted to know, apart from Paloma. I had believed that getting away from Brighton would have benefitted me, but all it had done was start to make me bad again.

"I'm fine, George. Just tired." I lied, giving him a smile. "In fact, I'm going to head up to bed, long day tomorrow." George nodded and Ricky gave my hand a squeeze, making me look at him. "I'm fine." I whispered. Another lie. I headed up to my room and slipped into my pyjamas, getting into bed. My phone was constantly buzzing with tweets, Instagram comments and Facebook requests. I had a look through them, one comment on an old photo of me and Gabbie.

_@hazelgrace: Homosexuality is a sin. You are disgusting and will go to hell._   
_@hazelgrace: I am disgusted that Ricky would even have someone like you on his team. You shouldn't be on the show. All gays should be banned from the country._

I left Instagram and went over to Twitter, seeing that my knockouts clip had 23 thousand retweets in a day. The closest to that was David from George's team with 6 thousand. It brought up my mood slightly, but the comments below it didn't. They were all saying the same thing; that the only reason I was through to the lives was because I was 'dating' Ricky. My head was spinning and the same sick feeling was arising in my stomach again. Perhaps that was what the sickness was all about - guilt. Guilt that I had only gone through because Ricky would have felt bad if he hadn't have put me through.

I was in two minds about what to do and neither had outcomes that I agreed with. It was either I left the show and stuck with Ricky or I broke up with him and continued on with the show.

I spent an hour laying in bed, scrolling through my mentions and occasionally replying to the nice ones. But the people were also split, some were saying that they loved me and Rick together and others were calling me to be axed from the show because I was at an unfair advantage. I had made up my mind.

_Alix: We need to talk._   
_Ricky: About what?_   
_Alix: Us._


	15. Chapter 15

Rick entered my room after the second knock and I sat up, turning on my bedside lamp and looking at him as he entered. He was in only his little Calvin Klein briefs and his hair was sticking up in different places. He came over and sat down beside me, the pair of us silent.

"I don't want to be talked about like I'm only here because we're together." I started, my eyes looking at my lap. "I want to be treated like all of the other contestants and the only way I can think to make that happen is for us to split up." I paused and looked up at him, his face white in shock. "But not actually break up. You see, if the press don't knew that we're a couple, or they think that we've broken up, then the fans will think the same." He raised a finger up to pause me.

"Are you saying we tell everyone we've broken up but we haven't?" I laughed awkwardly and nodded, looking up at him. "That can be done, don't worry. I mean, it's a bit late in the day now but in the morning I'm sure I can sort something out." I smiled and him and he smiled back at me. "You scared me, Alix! I thought I'd done something." He chuckled and I shook my head, apologising.

"No, you've not done anything. Just thinking logically, you know?" He nodded and then kissed my temple, wrapping his arm around me and proceeding to the fall asleep, chest slowly raising and falling as he snored.

•

"This is my sister, Anna." I told Rick as he slipped into my room three days later. The sun was shining and the wind was chilly, but we sat on the balcony anyway. Rick gave her an awkward wave and then came over, sitting down in the spare chair.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Ricky. Alix hadn't stopped banging on about you." She said and I blushed, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly. "Oh she's getting all embarrassed." Anna said with a grin and a laugh, slinging her arm around my shoulders. "Don't be embarrassed, Ali! I never stop talking about Mark, do I?" She asked and I shook my head, chuckling. Anna was getting married to her fiancée, Mark, in June and hadn't stopped talking about it since they got engaged last Christmas. She had given me the honour of behind her bridesmaid alongside her best friend Lily and we had spend most of the money traveling all over Sussex and London looking for venues. We had eventually decided on one near Tunbridge Wells, a large converted barn in the middle of woodland. It was magical and suited the pair perfectly.

"It's fine, she talks about you a lot too." Rick said with a smile. "Nice for her to have some support back in Brighton." He said and I looked over at him with a smile.

It was four days since we had 'broken up' and the press had already written article upon article about it. The fans were happy, apart from a few who 'shipped' us, and the people calling for me to be axed had disappeared. Rick still put up photos of me performing up onto his Twitter and Instagram, but he was equally uploading photos of Kitty and Theo so there was no way anyone could argue that he was promoting me more. (That was never the case anyway; people were just making it up.) It had been odd to not sit beside him or allow him to take me to the studio but I was surviving, the nights we spent together were always worth waiting for. Whether it was sleepy sex or cuddling up and watching a film, he made me happy.

Tonight was the first live show and we were leaving in little over half an hour. Anna had offered to come up and sit in the audience to cheer me on and I appreciated it. She was calming me and my earlier nerves had disappeared into excited butterflies whirling around in my stomach. My performance was nailed and my fingers had healed so I knew I was going to smash my performance and get through to the semi finals. Rick also believed in me and knew that I was going to be through, even if I didn't get the fastpass. Even Grace had wished me good luck, clearly thinking that I was out of the way and she could wriggle her way back to Ricky. I hadn't told him about our encounter in the bathroom; he would have just ended up getting angry and yelling at us both. Mine and Grace's feud has to stay strictly between Grace and myself.

Rick and Anna continued to talk whilst I sat admiring the garden and going over the song in my head. The chords were easy and repetitive whereas the lyrics changed ever so slightly on each chorus - that was what was annoying me the most. I simply kept jumbling them up. I ensured that Rick wasn't having the same problem with remembering the lyrics that the coaches performance, Pinball Wizard. It was a song he had performed live a multitude of times so he was fine. I had heard it in rehearsals during the week and, as expected, he was brilliant.

"You alright, Mrs?" Ricky asked me after twenty minutes on conversation between him and my sister. I turned and looked at him, humming and then nodding. "Oh, good. Well, we better be heading off now. The show starts in" he looked down and checked his watch. "five and a half hours. That enough time for a runthrough and then makeup. Come on." He said and the three of us stood, going through to my room. Ricky slipped out again, Anna and I leaving a few minutes after him. We went down to the courtyard and got onto the awaiting coach, Ricky sat on the bonnet of his car, waiting for Paloma so he could give her a lift (she was now unable to drive - her bump getting in the way). He flashed me a grin and I smiled back, then getting onto the coach and sitting down half way back, Anna squishing in beside me. We took off two minutes later and arrived at the studio just after three. There was already a gaggle of people outside, including the women from earlier in the week. I went over to them, Kitty by my side and Anna hanging back a bit, chatting to one of the producers.

"Hi Alix!" Alice said with a smile as I approached her group, nine heads turning to face me. "How have you been?" She asked and then opened her arms for a hug. Rick had told me that she always did this. "So sorry to hear about you and Rick, you must be upset." She frowned and I nodded, looking over to Kitty who was chatting to one of the others.

"Yeah, I am but it's not the end of the world." I told her as she got out her phone so we could take a photo. "He's a great guy, I can see why you guys idolise him." I said with a smile and she nodded, then taking the selfie of us. "Have you got tickets for the show?" I asked and she shook her head. "Don't worry, Alice. I'll give them your name and you and your pals can come watch; there's still a bit of empty space I think." I said and she gave me another hug to say thank you before I went to speak to the others, having a photo and a quick chat with them all. We were then hurried inside by the producers and I gave them Alice's name, insisting that all of the people outside were let in. After some time, Paul agreed and I watched him go outside and lead them all through to the waiting hall.

I then went through to the dressing room and got ready, Grace dressing me in skinny jeans and a floaty, ruffled blouse which was unlike anything I had seen before. She paired it with a pair of black stilettos and then sent me on my way, into the hands of Lizzie who immediately got to work on my makeup. Anna had given it a go earlier in the day and Lizzie just topped it up, adding more concealer and powered as well as a different shade of lipstick and a cat eye flick of eyeliner. Anna, who had been stood around chatting to the crew and other contestants ever since we arrived, was now sat helping to do Kitty's makeup.

"You nervous?" Lizzie asked me as she 'baked' my under eyes, happily running her brush over my face. "Big night ahead of you, I'm sure that you'll ace it but if I were you, I'd be shitting myself." She grinned and I laughed, shrugging.

"Not now, the nerves have subsided. I'm just really excited to be honest." I chuckled, picking up my phone when I saw that it had lit up. I lent over and picked it up, chuckling when I saw that Ricky had put up a selfie the four of us had taken during the week.

_15.43: @rickontour: Ladies and gents, this is your four hour warning! This troublesome trio will be singing live for you lot on The Voice tonight. BBC1, 7.30. #TeamRicky_

_15.45: @alixgardner: @rickontour woohoo! #TeamRicky_

Lizzie finished off my make-up and I was sent off to the studio for the run through. I would be going first, the same place that Stevie had gone back in 2015 when he won. I doubted that it was going to make the blindest bit of difference but still, it was a good thing to have at the back of my mind. The nerves were beginning to flare up now but, at the same time, I was giddy with excitement.

We sat in the front row and watched the judges performance of Pinball Wizard, Ricky jumping and running about like he was on stage at Glastonbury. It truly amazed me that he neither hurt himself or got out of breath from the way he was leaping about and balancing on wobbly amps. He gave me a big grin once they'd finished and the 12 of us sat clapping. It seemed weird to think that in four ours, there would only be 8 of us left. I hoped that it was neither Kitty or I. We had gotten a lot closer through they duration of our stay, mainly because she was the only other woman on the team.

It was then my turn to go up and sing. I made my way  backstage whilst my VT rolled and Paul handed me my guitar. I ran my fingers over the strings and then slung the strap over my shoulder, looking around for the camera and the woman giving me my countdown. I cleared my throat, pulled my hair over my shoulders and let out a deep breath, waiting for her to give me the 'go' signal. I could hear my VT beginning to come to an end and the countdown from five began. I knew it was only the dress rehearsal but either way, my nerves were back. My palms were sweaty and head clouded with thoughts about how I was going to mess up. She gave me the go signal and I began to walk down the hallway, the camera man walking backwards in front of me. I felt nauseous and my stomach was convulsing, nerves making my hands begin to shake and head pound. I made it to the stage and went over to the microphone, looking around at the hundreds of empty seats in front of me. My eyes wandered to Ricky as the music began and I started to strum my guitar and sang, hands shaking as I did so and fingers slipping around the chords. It was painful and Rick was desperate for me to pick up a bit and stop missing chords and lyrics. I was terrified, everyone could see it.

I limped through my song, Ricky's head in his hands for the entire thing as he listened. I finished and was met by an awkward round of applause. I didn't bother to stick around and instead headed back into the wings, my legs struggling to hold me up and knees ready to buckle at any time. I just didn't know what was going on. I had never felt like this before anything before, not before my first audition to the producers in that little room three minutes away from my house and not when I first performed in front of the coaches.

I made it back to the green room and slumped onto the sofa, head in my hands and sobs beginning to fall from my lips. I had fucked up and there was no going better. There was no way I was going to improve in three hours; I would be out of the competition and sent home with no job, no income and no Ricky.

"What happened? Are you alright?" Ricky said as he bounded into the rooms, eyes immediately falling on me. I looked up at him through tearful eyes and he sighed, sitting down beside me and wrapping his arms around me. "Oh love, come on." He whispered and I sniffles, wiping me eyes. "Has someone said something? Do you feel ill again?" He asked and I shook my head in reply.

"Just nerves. Don't want to let you down." I told him and he sighed. "An' don't say I won't because I will, I just know it." He pressed his lips to my temple and I shut my eyes, trying to calm myself. "I just... I don't know. Shit has just got on top of me I guess." He pulled away and nodded sadly, then looking up as the door opened, Anna and one of the producers coming in the check on me and take Ricky back to the studio. He left me with a quick hug and I was left alone with my sister who sat down beside me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"Ali... don't worry. Mum and dad are proud of you no matter what. Ignore what happened at Christmas, they didn't mean it. I love you and am proud of you, Ricky feels the same and the country do too. Don't fret; you've got a great song and you're going to do an amazing job, I believe in you." She said and I smiled at her half heartedly.

"I'm lucky to have you, Anna... I don't know what I would do without you." I whispered and we had a tight hug before going back to the studio, Anna happily chatting to Lizzie whilst I sat down next to Kitty to watch the rest of the rehearsal.

We finished just after six and everyone went off to their dressing rooms before the audience came in, however Ricky kept me and the band behind so we could redo my practice. I had quickly practiced in the corridor and felt a lot better after that. I made my way on, doing the same introduction as I had before and made my way to the stage, standing in front of the microphone and beginning to play my guitar as the rest of the band played too. I sang my heart out, my hands still and body a lot less tense and terrified than before. Rick sat grinning at me, his eyes bright and enthusiastic. This time, I knew that he was happy. He bounded up the stairs to me when I finished and gave me a proud hug, the two of us then waking off, back to our styling area. Grace changed my shoes and Lizzie tidied up my makeup, getting rid of the black smudges under my eyes and redoing my eyeliner. She chatted to me happily, acting like I hadn't had made a mockery of myself on stage. The Sun had already written an article about my 'breakdown' but I was past caring, I just wanted to get tonight over and done with so I could go back to the complex and have a long sleep. I needed it.

"Up first, it's Alix!" My heart was much calmer and my hands weren't sweating anymore. I gave Kitty a hug and then went off to the side of the stage where my guitar and the producers were waiting. I gave them all a smile and thanked them for their good luck wishes and then put on my guitar, clicking my knuckles and pulling my hair over my shoulders, looking over at the camera and tapping my foot along to the background music of my VT. It was coming to an end and there was still no nerves, I was instead excited to perform and even more desperate to get it over and done with. I just wanted to know if I'd managed to get through.

"Ten seconds!" Someone shouted from behind me and I let out a deep breath, the arising flutter in my stomach immediately disappearing instantly. "Five!" I counted down in my head and started to walk when I was given the signal. My heels clicked on the stage and it felt like I was back at my audition, the crowd in front of me were silent and the music only began when I gave the first strum on my guitar. I was back into my bubble, head wrapped up in the music and eyes having around the studio as the tiny lights illuminating the stage slowly passed through the audience. I made eye contact with Ricky as I sang the first line of the chorus, "if the whole world was watching, I'd still dance with you." He gave me a smile and let a tear drop down his cheek. I had kept the pronouns the same as Niall sung them, knowing that it would pick up a bit of reception from the millions of people on Twitter who watching with eager eyes and ears. Before I had taken the entire situation in, I was playing my last note. The lights came up to reveal the applauding and screaming crowd. My eyes locked with Anna's and she let out a loud cheer, grinning widely at me. She really was proud.

"Alix Gardner, everyone!" Marvin said as he came onto the stage, the crowd cheering again. He smiled at me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I looked back over to Ricky and watched Lizzie slip over to properly dab away his tears. He laughed at something she said and then offered me a quick thumbs up. I was so thankful for the dress rehearsal, I knew that otherwise I would have fucked up. But, gleefully, I hadn't. "Alix, it's been a very long week for you. How are you feeling?" He asked me with a smile.

"I'm feeling great, I'm so thankful to be here and am really happy with how my performance went." I said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm just thankful to have had such a great coach for the last few weeks." I said, looking over at Rick.

"Well how about we see what he thought about it?" Marvin said and I nodded, watching as Ricky sat up in his chair.

"Alix, your voice is one of my favourite things and I am so fortunate to have you on my team. That performance was amazing and, once again, you've made us all cry." He said and I laughed awkwardly, looking across the row at judges. "Well done, Alix."

"I second that, Alix. That was beautiful and you should be really proud of yourself." Paloma's comment was met with a loud round of applause. "If you don't get through tonight then there's something seriously wrong with the public." She said and I chuckled softly, giving her a smile to say thank you.

"Alix, darling, I love you so much but why can't Ricky give you an upbeat song to do again? That performance was beautiful and touching but your last performance... I don't think this topped that." George said and I nodded, glancing over at Ricky. "But otherwise, you were brilliant honey." I thanked him and then looked back to the crowd who were cheering.

"You've heard from our coaches but what do you think? Should Alix be taken through to the next round? If you think she does, call 08001022001 or text Alix to 8001. You can vote online by going to our website and lines will close at half past eight tonight so get voting." Marvin said and I gave a smile to the camera before he hugged me and I made my way off stage, waving to the crowd as I went.

I headed back off to the viewing lounge and picked up a bottle of water, the group clapping me as I entered. I abandoned my guitar by the door and then sat down between Kitty and Theo, yawning tiredly.

Now there was the wait.

I was back on the stage two hours later. The votes were in and the tension was thick on stage, the three of us huddled around Ricky as we waited for them to cut back from the VT of our earlier performances. Ricky looked at me and gave me a warming smile which I gladly returned, then looking over to Marvin and Emma who had just come back into the stage, standing between our little line and Paloma's. Kitty's hand was in mine and Ricky had his arm around mine and Theo's waists as we waited for the results to be called.

"In no particular order, the first person going through to the semi finals is." The pause came and Kitty squeezed my hand, my head bowed with worry. "It's Louise!" There was screams from the crowd as one of Will's team gleefully jumped up and down and ran over to Marvin and Emma. The name calling continued for a few minutes until there was only five of us left. Rick and I stood hand in hand, my name yet to be called. I was on the verge of tears, my hands were shaking and I couldn't focus on anything except from the almost silent crackle of static coming from Emma's microphone. George had two of his acts left, Paloma had one and Will had one too. We were all almost level and I knew that the chances of them kicking two people from the same team in the first round was unlikely. Ricky looked at me and then back over to Emma. He was shaking too, his hand clammy and face pleading as we waited for those faithful words.

"The eight and final person going through is..."


	16. Chapter 16

I felt dizzy. The crowd were deafening and my throats was tight, eyes blurry with tears. The only think holding up was the tight hug Rick was giving me. He led me back over to Marvin and Emma and I looked around at the crowd who were still cheering. I looked back at the four people still stood centre stage, two of them were crying, Will's contestant was frozen, eyes staring out to the crowd and George's other contestant was looking back at me, entire body tense.

"Give it up for your semi-finalists! Theo, Louise, Nick, Kitty, Alix, Jack, Stephen and Nicole!" Emma declared and the room filled with screams again. I looked around the crowds, Rick's hand finally leaving mine. I hadn't even noticed he was still holding it, my mind too focused on the fact I had made it through. We then left the stage and watched from the wings as the other three coaches said goodbye to their contestants. Ricky was stood behind me, his arms around my waist and chin resting on the top of my head.

"People will talk, Rick." I whispered, eyes not leaving the sad sight in front of me. Rick's arms let go of my waist and he moved to stand beside me, the two of us watching as the other seven went running back to their dressing rooms to help themselves to the free bar in order to celebrate. Ricky went back on stage to do the closing few minutes and then, the show was over. The audience slowly shuffled out and Rick, the other three coaches and myself went back to the dressing area. Kitty was sat on the sofa talking to Louise from team Paloma whilst Theo sat chatting to Grace, the two glancing over at Rick and I when we entered. 'They would make the perfect couple' I thought to myself as I helped myself to a glass of wine. 'They could shit-stir and plot together.' I chuckled and then sat down on the spare sofa, texting my sister to see where she was.

"You performance was great, Alix." I looked up at George and smiled, thanking him. He sat down beside me and had a sip from his water bottle. "Please don't take what I said to heart. Song choice is down to us, the coaches, and I just think Ricky chose the wrong song for you." He said and I nodded, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly. "But you know I love you and your voice, you're a sweet person and Ricky is lucky to have you." He told me with a smile and I raised an eyebrow, going to my default response of 'we're not together anymore.' He just laughed and shook his head. "My room is beside yours and the walls are thin. I know you're still together." He said with a grin and a wink. I groaned and covered my face with my hand, the two of us laughing.

"Yeah, sorry about that... we'll bear that in mind." I told him and he nodded, then getting up and going to talk to Kitty. Rick came over to me and sat down, arm resting on the top of the sofa and thumb gently running up and down my neck. "George knows that we're still together." I told him, voice soft and quiet so no one else could hear us. "We just need to remember how think the walls are when we next have sex." I said and he nodded slowly, then chuckling to himself.

"Or," he said slowly, lips pressing against my ear. "We could go back now and no one would hear us, even with your excessively loud moaning." He said and then pulled away. I looked at him and smacked his chest with the back of my hand, laughing.

"You're a fine one to talk, Mr Gruntalot." I said and he laughed, shaking his head. "But that sounds like a great idea, I just need to find my sister." I stood up and checked my phone

_Anna: I'm going back to Lizzie's house, hope you have a great night. Love you lots xx_

"Or not. Come on, let's go." I said and he stood up, the pair of us slipping out of the room and then heading out the back. There were still some fans hanging around and we went over to them, Rick giving them an autograph and having a quick photo with each of them before we headed into the warmth of his car. He drove us back to the complex and we headed inside, the building totally silent. We headed up to my bedroom and sat on my bed, starting thinks slowly by cuddling and kissing. Things progressed and before I knew it, his head was between my legs and I was letting out the careless moans Rick had mocked me for. My phone began to ring and I reached over, seeing that my mother was calling me.

Now this was the point where I had three options. I could 1. Not answer and continue to let Rick eat me out 2. Tell him to stop so I could answer the phone or 3. Answer the phone and let him continue to eat me out.

"Hi mum." I said, putting my phone to my ear and running my hand through Rick's thick hair. "How are you?" I asked and he looked up at me, tilting his head slightly. Instead of commenting, I just pushed his head back down and shut my eyes.

"Hello Alix darling! We've just seen you on the television. Very well done!" She said and I hummed in reply. "You're looking a lot healthier now." She then said and I opened my eyes, looking down at Ricky. "Which is good... seems that you being with that Ricky chap has worked out okay." I let out a small chuckle and gently raised my hips.

"Yes, I think it has... well, thank you and I hope you liked my performance?" I asked as Ricky pulled away and let a little love bite on my hip.

"Oh it was lovely. Your voice is very nice; we've always said it is." She said. _No you haven't_ I thought to myself. "And your guitar playing has really improved! It was lovely; you should come home and sing for us some time." She suggested and I rolled my eyes, then letting Rick kiss me and begin to bite my neck.

"As much as I would love to, Mum, I'm going to be rushed off of my feet until the end of the month. Don't have time to come home." I said and she sighed down the phone to me. "I've got rehearsals and press to do, I'm sorry." I told her and she let out a sad sigh.

"Is there no day at all? Not even tomorrow? Can you and your nice boyfriend come for dinner with you old parents? I mean, you can come back with your sister." Whilst it was a fair suggestion and I had nothing planned for tomorrow apart from laying in bed and watching Love Actually again, the thought of spending the day in my parent's little bungalow in Worthing made me want to throw up. I went over to see them at Christmas and on Mother's Day and Father's Day, but otherwise I tended to phone them once a week to ensure they were both still alive. "We miss you a lot, darling." I sighed and kissed Ricky again, his head dipping back down between my legs and two of his long fingers pressed inside me. I harshly bit my lip to stop me from moaning.

"I can't, alright? I'm exhausted; it's been a very long day." She huffed in reply and I looked down at Ricky, my eyes then fluttering shut and head hitting the pillow.

"It's fine, I understand. Sleep well." She said and I wished her the same, then hanging up and putting my phone back onto the bedside table. My fingers instinctively ran through Rick's hair again and he began to press small kisses to my stomach and hips, his short beard tickling the sensitive spots around the area. He sat up and added another finger, his lips meeting mine for a slow and loving kiss. I kissed him back and let his fingers get deeper inside of me. I raised my hips to help him and then pulled away so I could let out a soft grunt. He didn't bother to ask me how my chat with my mum went or if I was alright, he instead continued to pleasure me, knowing that this would take my mind off of whatever was happening back at the home; and he was right. By the time we were finished twenty minutes later, my mind was clear and I was instead just tired and wanted to cuddle up to Rick who was still cleaning himself up in the bathroom. He had tucked the duvet around me and I laid watching him brush his teeth through the crack between the bathroom door and the wall. He appeared a few seconds later and put his underwear back on, then slipping back into bed beside me. He nuzzled up to me, face pressed against my shoulder and fell asleep.

•

We stood watching Jake, Lucy, Richard and Sam leaving the house, their suitcases sadly dragged behind them, from the living room window. It was a sad and pitiful sight but I was just glad it wasn't me or Kitty who were saying goodbye and I knew that Rick was too. The mini bus that was taking them down to the station then pulled away and we returned to our places on the sofa. I had been sat reading articles about last nights show since I'd woken up a few hours before and still had a load to get through. It was oddly therapeutic to know that the public thought I had done a good job. My interview with Heat magazine had also gone live and the reception to that was through the roof. My Twitter following had gone up by ten thousand and I was getting tweets every ten minutes from people wanting to know what I was doing or how I was feeling. It was nice to know that people were asking about me but I knew that they were just tweeting me in hope of a reply that they could use to gloat to their friends. I replied to a few people and then spent the rest of my day watching film with the others before we went out for dinner to celebrate. We got home just after midnight and we all retired to bed, Rick taking the risk and coming into my room so we could sleep together. The temperature was down to minus 5 and the heating was pants so we both needed as much warmth as possible.

As to be expected, Grace had started to try it on with Ricky over dinner. I suppose she'd been kind and given us a week to 'get over our breakup' before she began to try anything on with Rick. She sat next to him at dinner, even though all of the behind the scenes crew were meant to be on a separate table, and spoke to him for the entire meal, not letting anyone else even get a look in. I sat opposite her and watched as they happily laughed and spoke about something that had happened last year. Whilst I felt jealous, I was also deeply confused because Grace and Ricky seemed to hate each other and their relationship seemed to be like that and not look like it would go anywhere. I just ignored it and went back to eating my bowl of artisan pasta whilst chatting to Louise from team George.

I didn't let Grace worry me. After all, Rick had still been as cuddly and affectionate towards me that night as he had every other night we had been together. I wouldn't question him again as I knew that he was a bit pissed off last time and tonight was meant to be about celebrating. Anyway, he and Grace could be friends if they wanted to; I just wasn't very happy about it.

The week was the same as the last. We rehearsed my new performance song, _Magnetised_ by _Tom Odell_ , as well as the group song which was my favourite _Sterephonics_ song, _C'est La Vie_. It was all working out perfectly and both songs sounded great. The group song was by far my favourite as we could spend the song bounding around the song in time to the music and making a fool of myself. At least, that's what Kitty, Rick and I were doing. Theo had gradually got iller over the course of the week with the same sickness bug that I had caught the previous week and had been a bit ropy in our performances. We were going to leave it until Friday night to see how he was. I felt sorry for him because, after all, he deserved to be here as much as the rest of us did and he was beginning to warm to me. He was actually quite nice and very sweet, the mere opposite of what I had expected him to be like. Kitty, on the other hand, had stopped talking to me and was getting closer to Grace, the pair of them walking around the studio together and going out for drinks in the evening. It was like Grace was trying to drag everyone I had been sort of close to away from me and leave me on my own, like a fish out of water. She gave up by the end of the week, clearly realising that it wasn't going to work. 

I woke up on Friday feeling exactly the same as Theo; sick, sluggish and terrible. We had gone out for a team meal the night before and I just assumed I had managed to get food poisoning or catch Theo's bug but after Ricky insisted that he took Theo and I to the doctors. He had lost Chloe to illness last year, all be it before the first live show, but the last thing he wanted was to lose the two favourites. 

We sat in the A&E waiting for half an hour, the doctors busying past and talking to other patients whilst the three of us sat in silence, my stomach feeling like it was about to explode at any point and my entire body shaking with nerves. I despised hospitals; he smell made my nose burn and the cleanliness always made me feel like I was in some sort of horror film and a chainsaw wielding man was going to jump out on us at any point. I, of course, kept that all to myself and didn't want to panic the other two. I had been in hospital a lot when I was a teenager, from having a ruptured appendix to having multiple blood transfusions. I hadn't in since the previous January after I contracted pneumonia and had to stay in overnight; it was from a cold that I didn't realise I had. 

"Mr Davies and Miss Gardner, please?" I looked up when our names were called and to the kind looking doctor stood at the end of the corridor. The three of us stood up and followed the doctor down the corridor and into a consulting room. We sat down, both pale and sunken, and looked at the doctor who was scrolling through our notes on his computer. "So what seems to be the problem?" Theo explained on our behalf and I added little bits occasionally. We had our height, weight, blood pressure and heart rate taken were then through to the treatment room so the nurse could take blood. I almost blacked out at that point, my fear of needles getting the better of me. We also had to do a urine sample and saliva swab, neither of which were pleasant in the slightest.  We returned to the little waiting room and stayed there for an hour, working on our harmonies and going over the group song between trips to the bathroom so we could throw up. By the time we were going back into the doctor's room, I felt exhausted and like I could collapse at any point. It reminded me of my episode during the dress rehearsals. We sat down at the doctor gave us both a smile.

"Now then, we've had all of your results back and found something quite odd. Whilst there was no signs of food poisoning or any form of infection, there was a chemical in both of your blood samples called Tetryzoline. It's found in eye drops and is most probably the cause of your vomiting and varying temperatures. Do you know of any way you could have taken it without your knowing?" I looked over at Theo with panicked eyes and he looked back at me, equally panicked and confused. We both looked over to Ricky and he shrugged.

"Kitty wears contact lenses." Theo said suddenly, looking back at me. "And it was only the four of us at dinner last night, she could have slipped something into our drinks? None of the rest of us wear glasses, do we? I mean, the only person in the house that does is Grace." I swallowed and then slowly nodded, looking over at Rick who had stood up and was going to leave. 

"I'll get them to search the house." He said and then left, leaving Theo and I with the doctor. He gave us some tablets to take which would reverse the side effects so that we would be better for tomorrow night and the rest of the competition. He just advised us to go home and straight to bed so we could let the medication work. We did just that, Ricky driving us back to the complex. We arrived just after lunch time to find both Grace and Kitty gone, Paul sat on the sofa waiting for us. "Anything?" Rick asked him, going over to talk to him. I sat down on the sofa and gave Paloma a sad smile, Theo sitting beside me and curling up, groaning in pain. "I should've realised sooner... Alright, do the press know?" I looked over at Rick and rubbed my face with my hands. My head was aching and I felt like I was going to throw up again, that wave then subsiding again. Rick came over to me and sat between myself and Theo.

"What's 'appening?" Theo asked Ricky, eyes struggling to stay open and head resting on the cushion behind him. "Have we found out who did it?" He asked and Rick gave me a little look, then nodding.

"Grace and Kitty have both been taken away to speak to the police... They found the correct brand of eye drops in Kitty's bag but they were Grace's prescription. That's all we know; Kitty's been kicked from the show and I've fired Grace. We're down to the three of us now." He said and then sighed, patting us both on the thigh. "The others should be back in a few hours, so just try and get some rest." I looked over at Theo who was already asleep, his mouth open and little snores leaving him. "I'm not that boring, am I?" Ricky asked and I laughed tiredly, giving him a smile. He gently played with my hair until I fell asleep, allowing the tablets to kick in.


	17. Chapter 17

The show started in half an hour and we were wandering around the dressing room, shout-singing along to Ricky's pre-gig playlist and allowing our new stylist, Alec, to try and dress us whilst we danced, the three of us all just having a laugh and trying to get rid of our pre-show nerves. Apparently, bounding around to Kasabian did this just perfectly.

If anything our group performance sounded a lot better when it was just the three of us. Kitty would only drown me out on the high notes and it meant we all got to sing a lot more of the song. I did miss her but knowing that she had tried to poison Theo and myself made me miss her a lot less. And after tonight there would be no time to miss her anyway. Theo was still the favourite to win after getting one of two fast passes last weekend but I was still second, even though I'd got the most votes last weekend. (It was only by a few hundred, though.) I didn't mind if he did win; whilst it would be nice to and he had already had his chance at being in the spotlight, I knew that I or one of the others could also easily win it. I didn't want to cloud my mind with thoughts like that and instead went back to thinking about the night ahead of us. We had twenty minutes until the show began and I was going sixth this time, Theo going second. Our group performance, however, would be the first. We would be the ones opening up the show seeing as, for whatever reason, the group performances were first this year. It was nerve racking, the whole thing was, but I had no other choice but to suck it up and not let the other two down.

"Miss Gardner for goodness sake can you let me do this lace up?" Alec exclaimed half way through mine and Ricky's duet of _Ain't My Fault._ I sat down on the chair and allowed him to lace up the back of my dress. It was completely different to what Grace had dressed me in. I had gone from classy and a bit Indie to full on rock chick with thick high boots and an oversized jumper dress that laced up at the back. I felt a lot more confident and sexy in this outfit and less restricted when it came to bounding around the stage whilst singing the group song. Whilst it didn't really match the theme of either song, it felt good to change up my image a bit. Ricky was in his usual shirt, waistcoat and braces combination but his normal, boring white shirt had been replaced with a low cut black one and his waist coat was a deep burgundy to match the colour of his shoes, my lipstick and Theo's shirt which was decorated with little black arrows. We all looked coordinated and matching and like we were a team, rather than just a jumble of people like we had last weekend. I felt like I was part of team Ricky and I loved it.

"Twenty minutes folks. Can we have the coaches to side stage in fifteen and contestants in twenty?" The producer yelled down the corridor and we all yelled back a variation of 'sure' before continuing with our preparation. Ricky was sat filming Theo signing dancing to _Kickstarts_ whilst Alec finished getting me ready. Once he was finished I went over to the two men and joined in with the dancing, moving my body in a way that wasn't flattering and definitely wouldn't get me onto Strictly. Ricky sat laughing whilst he continued to film us, the song ending and video then going up onto Twitter.

19.12: @rickontour: Are you guys ready to KICKSTART tonight's show? Alix and Theo are. #TeamRicky

Lizzie gave the three of us some finishing touches and we were then ready to go. Theo had put his ear phones in and I stood in the wings anxiously taking sips from my water bottle and saying hello to the employees who walked past me. Ricky and the other three coaches were stood chatting by the main entrance whilst us contestants began to congregate around the side of stage area. I gave Theo a confident smile and he smiled back before we were given the one minute warning call. The coaches came over to us and Rick gave both Theo and I a hug and kiss on the cheek before he ran back to the entrance where Will and Paloma were stood, George still trying to boost his girl's nerves. She was terrified and, whilst not poisoned by eye drops, looked exactly the same as I had when I messed up my dress run last weekend. George got back to the other three on one as the music began and the audience began to clap and cheer, Emma and Marvin pushing through us and going on stage so they were ready for when the opening sequence ended.

"Good evening and welcome to The Voice!" The audience cheered and I looked over to Theo who was still in his little bubble, head swaying in time to the music and foot tapping the floor quietly. "Now we start tonight's show with an announcement. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we are sad to announce that Kitty James from team Ricky will no longer be competing in this year's competition, meaning that Ricky is now down to two acts, Alix and Theo." Emma said with a sad tone. Everyone already knew what Kitty had done; it hadn't taken long for the press to find out and plaster articles all over the Internet. Theo and I had had thousands of messages to wish us well since the night before and it was good to know we still had some support.

"Now, how about we meet our coaches? Ladies and gentlemen, its Will.I.Am, Paloma Faith, Boy George and Ricky Wilson." The door opened and the four judges made their way on stage, Ricky holding Paloma's hand as they made their way down the stairs and over to their chairs, waving at the audience. I over to the small monitor next to me and smiled as Ricky's grinning face came on screen. "Don't forget that you can vote for your favourite act tonight as soon as the group performances end." I switched off, ignoring the talky terms and conditions section of the show and instead put my earphones in, going over _C'est La Vie_ one last time.

I sang along quietly and then abandoned my phone with one of the producers when our VT began, Ricky running over to us so we could go to our position on the balcony above the main stage. We had a quick group hug and then got into our positions, the dancers feeding on and the cameras then coming back to us. The guitars began and we started the routine, me leading with the first verse as we made our way along the balcony and down to the stage as the chorus kicked in. We stayed there for the rest of the performance, the three of us bounding around whilst singing and grinning at each other, finishing with out arms around each other and energy pulsing through our veins. I then knew how Rick managed it; your mind was never on how out of breath you were or how much your side was hurting, but on the euphoria that the performance had brought me simply blurred that and led to me stood in a group hug with Rick and Theo, the three of us out of breath and laughing about nothing.

"Give it up for Team Ricky, everyone!" Marvin announced as he and Emma came back on stage, giving the three of us a hug each. "That was brilliant. So, Theo. How do you think it went? It's been a pretty eventful week in camp Ricky, hasn't it?" He said, wrapping his arm around Theo's shoulders. Rick still had his arm around both of our waists and was still grinning like a proud father. 

"That was so much fun and it's been such a pleasure to work with Rick and Ali so closely this week. This week has been hectic but I am more than sure we managed to pull it off." He said and I smiled at him, Ricky giving both of our waists a squeeze. 

"Rick, I bet you're so proud of these two?" Emma said and Ricky nodded, taking his hand from Theo's waist and taking the microphone.

"I am, both Theo and Alix have been pretty ill this week and I am so proud of how quickly they have managed to get better and pull off that amazing performance. I love them both so much and really believe that they should be through to the finals next week. So please pick up your phones and vote for Theo and Alix." He said and the crowd cheered. I grinned at them and looked around in awe of the bright lights and people, zoning out from what else was going on around us. I was just so proud of myself and amazed that I had gotten this far in the competition. My attention only went back to the situation in hand when Ricky gently squeezed my waist and pressed his lips to my temple before Theo and I ran off stage and to the wings,  giving each other a big hug once we were out of view from the audience. I felt terrible for talking shit about him before, because it transpired he was actually very sweet and funny. He, over the course of the last week, had become my friend and I really hoped that we would both get through. His voice was beautiful and he deserved it has much as the rest of us did.

We sat in the greenroom until the group performances ended. I had been scrolling through my social media, looking at the photos of the three of us that had been plastered all over Twitter. Amazingly, there was no negative comments this week and instead everyone was praising us on how good our performance had been, especially with Theo and I being so ill that week. Of course, work of Kitty and Grace's attempt at knocking us out of the competition had spread like wildfire and one of the photos of Ricky, Theo and I in the hospital waiting room had even made it onto the front cover of The Mirror with the headline 'THE VICE: The Voice UK Favourites, Alix, 22 and Theo, 39, POISONED in Bitter Sabotage Attempt.' But all good press was good press in our eyes. It wasn't hurting any of us, apart from Grace and Kitty who clearly deserved it, and just brought more attention to us and the show. 

"Alix? Ten minutes to go." Paul poked his head into the dressing room and I thanked him with a smile. "Well done out there, your performance was brilliant." I thanked him and he then left as I went through to where everyone else was sat watching the performances on the large television on the wall. I had felt a bit sick after coming off stage so sat on my own for a while so I could get away from the loud laughter and noise and just go over my song again. But I was still met with a cheerful hello from the others. I sat beside Theo and looked up at the television, smiling when Ricky came on screen, his grin infectious and eyes bright with enthusiasm. I couldn't help but sit there with a fond smile on my face and eyes resting on Ricky. Theo chuckled and gently patted me on the shoulder, giving me a knowing wink. I chuckled and buried my face into my knees, grin not leaving my face. 

"I'm glad he makes you happy." Theo whispered and then stood up, making his way through to Lizzie and Alec so he could get his makeup touched up before going back on stage in a few minutes. I looked over at him as he left and then looked back at the television and to Rick who was still talking to Emma about Will's team performance. 

Theo was right, he really did make me happy.

*

The rest of the night went according to plan. My performance had gone without a hitch and I wasn't at all nervous, instead spent the entire performance putting as much emotion into the song as I could. I had chosen to play the guitar for half of the song, abandoning it after the first chorus. However, playing it for even a few minutes limited the amount of bounding around that I could do on the stage but after the group performance, I didn't want to risk feeling sick again. But I still danced around a little bit, basking in the bright blue lights that were dancing across the stage as I performed. It reminded me a lot of the performance I had watched of James on The Graham Norton Show a few years before. It had the same energy and emotion to it, but just with different pronouns and no backing singers (the team had decided that after my performance the last week where I hadn't changed the pronouns that it would be good for me. I didn't really see how.)

The feedback from the coaches had been brilliant and Ricky hadn't stopped grinning for the entire thing, the pride was clear from his face and I couldn't wait for us to get home after the show. But before that we had the elimination and the nerves were setting in. Myself and a few of the others had sat at the side of the stage and watched Birdy's performance of her new single to calm us down but it didn't work and the nerves were back, causing my hands to shake and heart race. My anxiety was slowly increasing as Lizzie reapplied my lipstick and Alec ironed out a crease on the back of the shirt he had changed me into for my solo performance. Lizzie had reassured me that I looked beautiful, but there was still a tugging feeling at the back of my mind. 

We made out way onto the stage a few minutes later and Ricky stood between Theo and myself. He was holding both of our hands tightly and I kept my head bowed, knowing that if I looked around me I would just break down. Rick could clearly see that I was nervous and gave us both a quick kiss on the temple as Marvin and Emma came back onto the stage. I knew that this time next week, I could be stood in exactly the same position to find out if I was the winner of this years competition. It was a terrifying thought and I doubted I would get any further than the semi finals but at the same time, I didn't think I would even get past the producers auditions. I, all be it secretly, was proud of myself and so glad that I had gotten this far and come on such a wonderful journey, especially with Ricky by my side. He had made the experience so much better and I appreciated him with all of my being. 

"Your votes have been counted and verified and it's now time to announce who your four finalists for The Voice UK 2017 are." Marvin said and I looked up at Ricky and then over to the two presenters. "In no particular order, the first person through to the finals is." I could hear the blood pumping around my body. Christ; if I was this nervous in the semis then how would I be if I got through to the finals? "It's Theo!" Ricky let go of my hand to hug Theo who was already crying. I was tearing up now too. I gave him a quick hug and he ran off to Emma and Marvin. "Also going through is." Rich had his arm around me and I was looking back at my feet, my knees ready to buckle and head aching. "Stephen!" I looked down the row and to Will's contestant who was screaming and jumping about. I had to laugh at the sight; I had never seen a man look so happy before. 

"Joining Theo and Stephen next week will be." Another long silence. Someone in the audience would scream a name that wasn't mine and then get shushed by the producer. The same thing had happened last week too. "It's Nick!" I looked up at Ricky and he was already looking at me. He offered me a smile and I returned it before we looked back at Emma and Marvin. Surely there had to be a woman in the final? They would get complaints if there wasn't. I mean, the show wasn't a fix by any means but the vote would have been twisted in my favour. "The fourth and final person going through to the live final is..." I shook my head in defeat and Ricky gave my waist a squeeze, to tell me that it would be okay no matter what. But it was fine, I had already accepted my fate. I would be going home and that was okay. "It's Alix!"

Shit.


	18. Chapter 18

Rick and I were both naked when I woke up. His clothes were in a pile on the floor beside me and my clothes were no where to be seen. Last night had been a time for celebration after Theo and I, as well as the other two boys, had gotten through to the final; something that I never expected to happen. Naturally, we had all gone out for drinks and then returned to the house once we were kicked out of the club, far more drunk that I had ever expected myself to get. Theo had held me up for most of the walk from the cab to the house and Ricky had soon taken over, picking me up bridal style and carrying me into the house, my arms wrapped around his neck and our lips connected in a drunk and messy kiss as we entered the house, the three men, George and Will following us inside. We had given up trying to hide our relationship. It as the final week and they weren't going to kick me off now. everyone within the house was supportive of it and knew so we didn't see the point in hiding anymore. Our ten days of breakup had been pretty pointless, especially around the house as everyone knew that we were together, but the press were still none the wiser. Well, until the morning when they got hold of the photos of me and Ricky kissing and dancing together inside of the club.

Rick and I went to bed to continue our celebrations and woke up the next morning just after midday to the sound of music blasting through the speakers downstairs. I got up and put my dressing gown on, heading downstairs to see exactly what was going on. Nick and Will stood in front of the surround system, desperately pressing buttons and turning nobs to quieten the music. It eventually silenced after Will pulled the plug from the wall socket and the two men looked over at me with guilty smiles.

"How was your night? Sleep well?" Nick asked me, looking me up and down as I tightened the dressing gown around me. "Seems you and Ricky had fun." He said with a grin and i groaned, shaking my head.

"Just keep it down, my head is killing." I said and then left, going back up to bed and snuggling under the covers, Rick's arms wrapping around me. "We missed everybody leaving. It's just the eight of us left now. Maybe seven, Paloma's shoes weren't by the door." Paloma always kept her hot pink Charlotte Olympia heels by the door but I had noticed them missing when I went down. I wondered if now all of her team wee out of the contest if she had moved back home so she was surrounded by comforts. Being pregnant whilst trying to keep up with the show must've been a nightmare.

"I think she's gone home; she'd always said that when all of her contestants went she would move back home." Rick told me in between yawns. "'spose there's nothing keeping her here, is there?" I shook my head in reply and then kissed his forehead. "God I feel dreadful. My 'drink only on special occasions' rule clearly got a little too out of hand last night." He said, sitting up and getting some painkillers from the draw and taking two, then offering me the other two which I gladly accepted. I took them and then picked up my phone, pulling the covers back over me. I took to Twitter, looking through my mentions and at the photos from last night, both at the club and during the show. Rick sat watching over my shoulder, his fingers running up and down my stomach as he did so, occasionally chuckling when a funny tweet came onto my timeline. We stayed like that until one and then decided to get out of bed and go and see the others. The painkillers had finally kicked in and we were feeling a bit more sprightly than we had an hour before. We spent the day curled up on the sofa, talking to the other contestants. It was a great way to end a particularly terrible week.

The following week was one of thrills and things I never though I would do. We were on BBC Breakfast, The One Show, BBC Radio 1 and 2, Radio X and even had a mention on Gogglebox which was a particular highlight. All of that aside, we had spent Tuesday night doing something I had always wanted to do; we were on The Graham Norton Show. It was a laugh, the eight of us squished onto a tiny sofa drinking cocktails and having banter with Graham. Of course there had been questions put to us which I answered with as much wit and intelligence as I could, occasionally earning a chuckle from the crowd or a gentle nudge by Ricky. I also got to meet the other guests as we had gotten there so early; a confusing mixture of James Bay, Russel Brand, Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. They had all greeted me with a hug and I even got a kiss on the cheek from Michael. I received a glare from Alicia, his girlfriend, and Michael received one from Ricky. I informed my partner later that night that he was still the fittest ginger on the sofa. He retaliated with a eye roll and a quick kiss.

But the final was drawing closer and my nerves were beginning to amount. I had four songs to learn; my solo piece, mine and Ricky's duet piece, the winners single and the group song. We had recorded the winners single on Friday after our BBC Breakfast appearance. Each performance was recorded in secret, the only people hearing it being the performer and the recording crew. I was pleased with how mine had gone; it was a beautiful song written for the show by Mark Owen from Take That. I loved the song and it worked perfectly with my vocals but I knew it would be equally great when sung by one of the other boys. Friday night was spent at the press gig. We all performed a song of our choice, I opting for Best Fake Smile by James Bay, the song I had been hoping to sing during the finals but couldn't. It was disappointing but my replacement song was just as good. I spent the night drinking with some of the journalists, including an old university friend I hadn't seen in years who now had a job working for The Sun. We had spent the night talking and catching up, Rick coming over and joining us at one point and helping himself to another glass of wine.

We got home just after ten and I was only bordering on tipsy which was a plus; seeing as it meant I (probably) hadn't made a fool of myself in front of the press. My performance had earnt me a loud round of applause and some cheering, but noting comparing to the cheering Theo had got after he finished singing Starlight, both my favourite Muse song and one of the easiest to sing. I gave him a quick clap but soon went back to talking to the woman from Heat magazine who was bonding with me over our shared love for Dior perfume. I had a cup of tea and then went to bed, Rick joining me half an hour later. It had been a great week, but my anxieties about the day ahead were already beginning to cloud my thoughts. I hadn't got the loudest cheers at the press night and more people laughed at Nick's jokes than mine when we were doing interviews. I just wanted to get a good sleep and try to ignore those thoughts. I couldn't even talk to Ricky about them, because he was already fast asleep and snoring beside me. I laid with my eyes shut and listened to the soft and comfortable noises he was making before eventually drifting off myself some time later.

•

I'd been sat on the sofa in the living area since half past six. No one else was awake and I was left to read about last night and watch crap morning telly with a cup of coffee keeping my hands warm. I didn't get a lot of sleep which wasn't ideal in the slightest and meant that I was groggy, irritable and tired for the entirety of the day. I had taken a cold shower before we left for the studio but even that didn't help. Lizzie supplied me with numerous cups of coffee during our preparation for the run through just before lunch but that just dragged me down even more. I sat on one of the seats in the audience whilst they went through the judges performance. I felt groggy and generally terrible for no reason apart from my creeping anxiety and fear of immense failure. As one could image, it was a wonderful combination. I had nodded off for a little bit, Rick having tucked his coat around me at some point to keep me warm; my t-shirt and jeans not doing that in the slightest. When I woke up, he was sat next to me watching as Nick went through the choreography for his performance. I gave him a sleepy smile and sat up, my head resting on his shoulder; it had become my default position over the last few weeks. His arm them wrapped around me and his fingers lazily ran up and down my arm.

"Ali, um, your sister arrived about half an hour ago. Your parents are with her. Oh, and her fiancé. I know you didn't want them here, your parents that is, but... they were pretty insistent. Oh, and they made you a cake." He said with a chuckle and I sighed, shutting my eyes and then rubbing my face with my hands. "They're eager to see you and be here, love." I chuckled and shook my head.

"They're 'eager' to be here so they can show off if I win. I'm not going to so you may as well send them home. I'm not seeing them." I looked up at him and sat up again, putting my arms into the long sleeves of Rick's donated jacket. "No discussion; they're going home. I already feel shit and they're not going to help. Just go and send them my love or something; make it up. I trust you." I said and he stood up again, kissing my forehead and then disappearing to the back rooms. I shut my eyes again and fell asleep, only to be woken up by a loud laugh and a gaggle of footsteps up the passageway.

"Darling! Oh baby girl!" I looked over to the group of people coming towards me and groaned in annoyance; my mother soon engulfing me in a tight hug. I looked over her shoulder and at Ricky who mouthed 'sorry' to me. I hesitantly hugged my mum back and she pulled away after some time, giving me a kind smile. "We haven't seen you in six weeks! We've been so worried!" _No you haven't._ She ruffled my hair and then sat down beside me so I could give my father an awkward hug before he sat down beside mum. "We've been speaking to your lovely Ricky, haven't we, Peter?" My dad hummed in reply. "Oh he is a gent, a lot nicer than Gabriella. Soft hands." I rolled my eyes and then gave Anna and Mark hugs before they too sat down. Rick stood in front of me, perching on the back of the seat in front and giving me a comforting smile when he saw that I needed it.

"How you feeling now, Ali?" Rick asked me between chat about my week. "You look better." He said and I hummed in reply.

"Yeah, I feel a lot better. Still tired, but better." I said and he nodded happily, smiling at me before my mum sighed and shook her head.

"Oh Alexandra you really must get some more sleep! You were like this as a baby, you know? Up all night wailing and crying. I thought your sleeping had gotten better! Is it your head again? Have you been taking your tablets?" She asked and I sighed, giving her a look.

"Mother, do you really think I would do the most important performance of my life without having taken my medication? No, because I'm not an idiot." I said and she huffed, folding her arms and shaking her head.

"You know it's just because we're worried about you, darling!" She said and I bawled my hands.

"You're not worried." I snapped, looking over at her. "You just don't want me fucking up tonight so you can finally parade me around all of your friends and I can become an asset to the family again rather than the disappointment that dropped out of university, 'became gay' and then got depressed because, shock horror, I didn't have any support whilst going through the toughest part of my life. Newsflash, mum. I'm still bisexual, I'm still depressed and no matter what, I am never going to be the star daughter you want. Now fuck off; I don't need you." The group fell silent and I stood. "Now of you'd excuse me, I have a rehearsal to go to." I said and took Ricky's hand, the two of us making the way out of the auditorium and backstage. As soon as we were out of sight, he wrapped his arms around me and held me in a tight grip whilst I began to cry. I had just let out three years of anger and hatred and it felt nowhere near as good as I thought it would.

We stood there for a little whiles longer until Paul came past and informed me that it was my rehearsal time. Lizzie came through and fixed my makeup, giving me a grin and informing me that I had to stop crying because I was wasting her concealer. Rick and I then headed back into the auditorium to find my family gone and the place empty apart from the band and lighting guys. I had composed myself and powered my way through my solo song, _Wings_ by Birdy, reducing both myself and Ricky to tears once again. The staging had been done so I was singing behind a curtain of falling water, fairy lights and a gentle yellow spotlight illuminating the stage. It was a truly beautiful setting and I was in amazement that it was me that got to perform here. I finished my second run through of the song and then sat down on the edge of the stage with Ricky, going through my performance and any changes that could me made for it ahead of the performance in front of the producers a few minutes later.

"I'm glad that there not going full out literal this year and actually giving you wings." Ricky told me and I laughed, shaking my head. "I mean, I wouldn't put it past Alec; he's an eccentric after all. You would look beautiful in them I'm sure; you always do look beautiful." He said and I rolled my eyes, kissing him on the cheek and then standing back up again so I could adjust the tuning on my guitar before Paul and Aaron came in to watch. Rick remained sat at the edge of the stage, taking photos of me which would later go up onto Instagram or in some soppy Facebook post.

Rick and I performed our duet of Biffy Clyro's Many of Horror a few times to the producers too, each time being told that we could change something or 'look less like you love each other', something we had found particularly difficult to do seeing as, well, we did love each other even though we hadn't had the proper talk about it yet. And, by half past five we were done. I hadn't let my mind go back to my parents who I knew were still going to be there even though I had told them very clearly I didn't want them there. It was like a never ending cycle with them. I never wanted to be mean because I they're my parents and I love them but I was always like a trophy to them, both me and Anna. Whenever one of us did something particularly special, like when Anna reached 500,000 YouTube subscribers or I got a promotion, it would go straight onto the family Christmas newsletter and my parents would tell everyone that they knew. It was irritating and obnoxious; I hated it.

But as I said, I didn't let that spoil my evening. I spent an hour in makeup, half an hour in hair and half an hour in wardrobe, all of which kept my nerves at bay. Before I knew it, I was stood back at the side of the stage and ready for the clock to strike half past seven. I could see my family in the friends and family zone as well as the hoards of other family members and friends brought by the three boys. It didn't unnerve me and I still stood with my head up, chest out and a smile of my face. After tonight, I could go back to reality. Get a new job and continue with my life; a life that now had Ricky in it.

And, as the studio lights came up and Emma and Marvin walked on stage, I finally began to feel confident about myself. I was going to kick arse out there and do Ricky proud. I was going to win this show.


	19. Chapter 19

I was still unsure whose stupid idea it was for the group performance to be a One Direction song. We stood on stage singing One Way or Another and feeling like total fools as the audience stood bobbing along to the music and singing along. I mean, it wasn't the worse performance in the world but god we weren't going to get a BRIT for it. All it really was was a bit of a joke performance to get the crowd warmed up and shake off our nerves. It did that pretty well but it didn't strengthen any of our chances of winning. We had run off stage afterwards and I had a quick drink and a dusting of setting powder applied by Lizzie who did not stop talking about how brilliant I was for the entire thing. It was quite a bit of an ego boost but not one I appreciated.

"Oh, and Ricky left you a present. It's over there." She nodded to the guitar case leaning against the wall beside my clothing rack where my guitar normally stood. He bought me a guitar case? I went over and opened it, looking at the guitar inside, almost crying at the sight. Inside the leather holdall was a Martin D-35; known to some as the best guitar ever created. I got it out and put it over me, strumming it and then looking over at Lizzie. "Pretty." She noted and I chuckled, shaking my head, placing it back in its case for later and giving her a hug as I ran to the side of the stage. I looked over to where the coaches were sat watching Nick's performance. He was doing brilliantly, his voice controlled and pitch perfect; he, to me, was my favourite to win. My eyes then went over to the family box where my mum was sat texting someone and my dad was watching the performance and swaying along. It was a sight that, to me, perfectly described their relationship.

I returned to the green room and sat down next to Stephen, watching the coaches critique Nick's performance. Theo was already getting set to go on stage and I was performing after him. Terrified was an understatement. I had initially been quite content about the whole thing and was just going to take it as it came but after watching Nick and Stephen's performances, the fear was growing. They had both been incredible and the online reception to them was going through the roof. I knew that it would be the same for Theo and, somehow, I had to try and meet their standards. I excused myself when Nick returned so I could go and rehears one last time, slipping in to one of the empty rooms. I had mine and Rick's performance to come, but this was what my position in the competition was going to come down to. If I didn't ace this and I was kicked off at the end of the duets, then I would be a laughing stock. I had to do everything in my power to not mess up.

"Alix? Side of stage please, doll." Aaron said with a smile and I did as I was told after finishing the second chorus. I ran to my place and then let out a long breath, having some water from my bottle and placing it on the floor beside me. Theo had come off and given me a grin and a thumbs off before going back to the greenroom to have some chill time before his and Rick's duet. They were singing Sugar, We're Going Down by Fall Out boy, one of my favourite songs, and it had sounded brilliant during the weeks rehearsals; it had only made me more nervous.

I made my way onstage when my VT began and I gave Rick a smile as I got to my spot on the stage, adjusting the microphone stand so it was the right height for me and then looking around the crowd, giving my sister a wave. I looked back at the coaches and then over to Paul who I was patiently waiting to get the 'start' signal from. Said signal came a few seconds later and the band began to play. I stood, eyes shut and head bobbing along to the music, my hands wrapping around the microphone as I began to sing, the low lights hiding the audience and soft yellow lights giving me a glimpse of the judges. I was glad, it did feel just like no one was watching me. However, I still managed to find Ricky's gaze and we locked eyes for a few seconds as the first chorus hit and the audience began to be lit up with hundreds of tiny phone lights. It was a beautiful and humbling sight that almost reduced me to tears. This was something I had wanted to do for so long and finally, I was there in that moment.

The water then began to fall as the bridge began and I took the microphone from its stand, making my way around the stage and looking over to the coaches who were now all stood up, dancing to the song and crying at the same time. I too was on the verge of tears and the sight of Ricky wiping away his tears wasn't helping me. I locked eyes with him as I sang the last line, the band slowly fading out and the crowd getting onto their feat and screaming as the water stopped and the lights came up. I was soon joined on stage by Emma and Marvin who were quickly engulfing me in a hug to stifle my tears.

"Alix, that was amazing. Yet again you've managed to make all of our coaches cry and dance at the same time. How did you find that?" Emma said and I laughed awkwardly, then running my hand through my hair to get it out of my face.

"That was amazing, the most amazing moment of my life. I am so thankful to be here tonight and... yeah. That was the best." I told Emma and then looked back at the crowd. "I just want to thank everyone for making this possible tonight. I hope I don't let you down." The crowd awwed in response and I smiled, then looking back to Emma.

"Now then, how about we see what our coaches thought of that. Ricky?" He looked at me and sighed before standing and running on stage to give me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. I laughed and hugged him back, grinning gleefully. He then went back to his chair and sat down, still beaming at me.

"Ali I am so proud of you and am so lucky to have you on my team. That was unbelievable and if you don't get through to the final two then I quit." He said and the crowd laughed. "I mean the emotion you put into that was incredible and I am just so blown away by the progress you've made. Well done, babe." He said and I thanked him, looking over to the friends and family box where my family were sat, all watching the stage apart from my mum who was now talking to someone on her phone. I sighed and looked over to Paloma who was smiling back at me.

"I agree with Rick. Alix that was incredible and I'm going to really miss seeing you up here every weekend smashing every single song you perform. Well done, that was amazing." The crowd applauded and I thanked her, then looking at Will who was taking a photo of me. I chuckled and gave the camera grin, making the audience chuckle.

"Sorry, I was just taking photos to remind me that I need to sign you straight away! Alix, that was dope and I'm going to put you in touch with my record company as soon as this season finishes because you are so good. That performance was sick and you made me cry and I never cry." The audience chuckled and I smiled at him, also thanking him before Marvin read out my voting number and I was sent back off stage and through to the green room where the three boys cheered and came over, all giving me a hug. I picked up a bottle of water from the bar and sat down between Theo and Stephen as we watched Bastille's performance. My nerves were back and the same sick feeling was in my stomach, creeping up into my head and, once again, giving me negative thoughts. I reached over the side of the sofa and picked up my bag, getting out my top-up tablets and taking them.

Half an hour later, Rick and I were stood on stage waiting for the fourth and final VT if the night to end. I had thanked him for my new guitar with a quick peck to the cheek and we nervously waited, facing each other and my breath shaky and nervous. He gave me a quick and reassuring smile to try and help me calm down. It did ever so slightly but I was still shaking pretty badly and my hands were sweaty. I adjusted my microphone headset and adjusted my fingers so I was ready for the second the song started. I looked over at Paul just as he gave us the five second sign and I looked back at Rick who gave me one last smile before I began to strum my guitar and he began to sing, our eyes interlocked and the words being directly sung to me. We harmonised on the chorus and then began to move apart, going to different corners of the stage and then meeting in the middle as the bridge began, out faces close together again and his eyes telling me that we should do it; go forward with the plan we had concocted the night before. And we did it, we kissed. The crowds began to scream in glee and we went back to finishing the song, singing the last chorus in harmony, just like we had rehearsed it all of those times. We finished with a tight hug after I finished singing the last note and the crowds were soon all on their feet, screaming and clapping us. The three coaches were also stood, applauding and Paul stood by them, shaking his head but smiling. We had ninety minutes of the show left and if nothing else, this was going to bring in more viewers. They'd thank us, eventually.

I went back off stage once they had gone through the drivel about voting and the other coaches' opinions of the performance. None of them had commented on the kiss but instead on how well we had harmonised throughout the performance. It felt good and I was, in some respects, glad to get off of the stage. I went back to the greenroom with Lizzie behind me, squealing about how good our performance was and how cute Rick and I were, something that she would tell me every time him and I interacted. It was sweet and I really hoped that I would keep in touch with her after the show came to an end. We went into the greenroom and the three men were stood applauding me and then handed me a glass of wine. The three of them were all drinking beer in an attempt to calm their nerves for the result but I declined the wine, knowing that my pills and the alcohol didn't react well. All of the staff were soon crammed into the tiny room, watching Robbie William's performance on the small screen and singing along gleefully. They were just as excited to find out who won as the rest of us. 

The time soon came and we were all stood back out on the stage, Ricky holding mine and Theo's hands whilst George stood beside Nick and Will beside Stephen, those four all looking glum and defeated, a clear contrast to how they had been just a few minutes before. Emma and Marvin appeared again and the studio fell silent.

"Your votes have been frozen, counted and verified and we can now revel that the two contestants going head to head for the Voice UK crown 2017 are" I hadn't at all missed the silence that then came. I stood in my usual position, head bowed and body teetering from foot to foot doing an awkward, nervous dance. "Theo" The screams began and I looked over to my team mate, tightly hugging him and congratulating him as he went over to the two presenters. I looked up at Ricky and shrugged, him smiling back at me and wrapping an arm around my waist. "and Alix!"

Oh Jesus Christ.

Ricky looked at me in shock and gave me a tight hug, then allowing me to go over to Marvin and Emma, the crowds continuing to scream and cheer. I gave Theo a hug and we watched as Stephen and Nick awkwardly shuffled off-stage. Ricky came over to us after giving George and Will quick hugs and I stood there in shock, looking around me. I was either going to come second or first. The chance was there, a few centimetres away from my grasp. Theo was now holding my hand as he spoke to Marvin and Emma, clearly seeing that I was too shocked to talk and the pair of us then went off stage to prepare for our final performance. I had given Nick and Stephen hugs once we were off stage, the pair both crying their eyes out. It as understandable; I knew that if I was in their position I would be shattered and heartbroken. But, I reminded myself, I wasn't. And now I had to prove that I could win this thing.

Theo and I ran off to have our makeup topped up and tops changed ahead of the final performance, my relaxed and pretty outfit being replaced with a long lace dress and heels. I knew it would be far less uncomfortable to perform in but that was something I could live with for one performance. Alec had given me a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug before me and Theo were taken away to do our performances. I stood in the wings whilst he performed first. I knew that performing second this time was both a help and a hindrance as far as the song wouldn't be any shock to the audience but it gave me the slight advantage as far as votes were concerned as people were more likely to vote for the performance that was freshest in their mind. I knew that that probably wouldn't help me as Theo had been ahead of me in the voting since last week, and was still the bookies favourite. They were rarely wrong.

Theo came off a few minutes later and I gave him a tight hug and he gave me a pep talk about how I was going to be brilliant and the crowd would love me. I, somehow, didn't believe him. It was the thoughts again and I knew it. Once my VT began I headed on stage and got into my position, looking around me and giving my sister another wave which she eagerly returned. I watched myself in the little screen above the autocue and chuckled as they played a clip of my first audition. I initially didn't understand what Rick meant about my voice developing but after that, I knew perfectly.

The tape came to an end and the audience's applauding silenced. The band began and I started to sing, the words flowing naturally and the beat taking control of my body as I made my way around the stage ('owning it', apparently) and singing to no one or co camera in particular. I was just enjoying my last few minutes in the public eye, basking in the hot lights and the smiles on everyone's faces as I sang. The audience were illuminated this time and I looked at a few people who seemed a lot less interested than last time. I gave the last chorus all I had and that seemed to perk them up slightly, Ricky loudly cheering as I hit the final, long note perfectly. I looked around me once again and then listened to the cheer of the audience as they all stood up and applauded. I knew I hadn't done enough to win but I was past the point of caring. My mum, who had since disappeared, wouldn't give a toss either way, I didn't and I knew that Ricky didn't either. I finally accepted that I wasn't going to win and I was okay with it.

The usual routine happened for the final time. I gave Marvin and Emma hugs and we spoke to the coaches before my numbers were read out and I went back to the green room where, to my surprise, all of the acts from the lives were stood. I said hello to a few of them and then went through so that Lizzie could top up my powder and shortly returned to the green room, sitting beside Theo and drinking some more water.

"You deserve to win this, buddy. You were amazing out there tonight." I told him and he raised an eyebrow, placing his bottle down on the table and shaking his head. "And don't you dare disagree because you, Theo Davies, have this in the bag." He sighed and then gave me an awkward side hug, the two of us then going back to watching the lottery results that had been slotted in between the final and the results show so that they had more time for votes. It was a long and agonising wait that seemed to last days, rather than just ten minutes.

Theo and I were stood back on the stage twenty minutes later. Ricky was stood between us, his hands tightly holding ours and my head up, a smile on my face as we waited for the result to be called. My fate was sealed and I didn't care; win or lose I had still had the best time on the show, made so many amazing friends and even an amazing boyfriend who I could see me spending the rest of my life with.  It had been the maddest adventure of my life and one that I was never going to forget. I would miss the bright lights and the constant running around but I was looking forward to settling back into my normal life again. I would have to find myself a job which wasn't the most desirable, unless Will did stick to his word, and I would go back home to Brighton to continue living my life. The future was bright no matter what.

So when Emma and Marvin stood looking at us, their faces blank and microphones held in their hands just a few seconds later, I was happy, confident and proud. Proud of myself.

"After six weeks and thousands of applicants, we are down to our final two; Alix Gardner and Theo James. So, we can now reveal that the winner of The Voice UK 2017 is" the silence was deafening but calming. I felt composed and would take my defeat graciously. I looked over at Theo and gave him a smile which he returned. I looked back to the presenters and let out the breath I had been holding ever since we'd gotten onto the stage.

"It's Theo!"


	20. Epilogue

"All I'm saying is that the tinsel overpowers the rest of the decorations!" Ricky said, standing in front of our Christmas tree and inspecting it. "Just makes it look like it's wearing a shit feather boa."

We were spending our first Christmas together as a married couple. It was seven years after I was crowned runner up of The Voice 2017 and not a lot had changed. I had been signed by Sony for the first few years, released a single which had, somehow, made it into the top ten and an album that barely reached top twenty. Before I knew it, I was kicked off the label and working for the Kaiser Chiefs as their backup singer and merchandise designer. It was a job that I loved and meant that I got to spend a lot of time with Rick and the band. It had, of course, lead to our fair share of arguments like the one we were currently knee deep in, but that was what a relationship was about. Strength through combat, or something.

"You know, you could always help me." Rick had informed me as he unravelled the silver tinsel from our giant eight foot tree. "Rather than laying there looking all pretty." He huffed.

"Well maybe you should have been more careful with your choice of condom. I would love to help you, darling, but it's pretty hard when you're eight months gone." He looked over at me with a fond smile and shook his head. "Little James won't want his mama and papa arguing on Christmas Day now, would he?" I asked, resting my hands on my bump.

"No, he wouldn't. Sorry, James." He sighed with a grin.

James was due in just under two months time and it was slowly getting harder and harder for me to do stuff, especially put up the Christmas decorations or do any sort of cooking. So today as all down to Rick. I would welcome in our guests, make them a drink and then sit back down again and have to withstand ten hours of festive chit-chat, something that I wasn't looking forward to at all.

"Why'd you decided today that it wasn't right? I mean, we've had the decorations up for three weeks now." I asked and he shrugged, wrapping the tinsel around his neck like a scarf and then sitting down beside me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and kissing my temple. "Now have you put the turkey in?" I asked and he nodded, smiling.

We had spent every Christmas together since we'd gotten together, seeing as the Christmas and new year period was when we first got to know each other and fell in love. It was soppy, really, but we loved it. I had always loved Christmas, even if I had had some pretty crap ones in the past. I loved everything about it, the food, the drink, the presents, the communal spirit and getting more time to spend with my family and friends. But mostly the presents.

Life had gotten a lot better over the last seven years. I was happier, healthier and more in love than I had ever been before. Rick still treated our marriage like he had treated out first few weeks together. He would bring me tea and toast every morning and we would spend our evenings off in bed with Reedus, watching some terrible mid 00's romcom which we both secretly still loved. It was moments like that that I basked in, knowing that only a few hours later I would be plunged head first into the same Kaiser Chiefs chaos that I had somehow manged to get caught back up in. The band were planning their '25 years of KC' roadshow which consisted of gigs in practically every city in Europe, as well as a month in south America and Japan, a greatest hits album which had, of course, 25 tracks on, and would be headlining Saturday night at Glastonbury. The band were over the moon to be having such a packed and hopefully successful year but at the same time, they all knew that the end was nearing. They wanted to go out on a high and it seemed like the right time to. The boys had decided to have one last gig on New Years Eve next year and then, that would be it. It would be sad but it's what they all wanted to do and I was going to support them through it all, even if it did mean that come the end of the year I would be jobless again.

"The table is laid, the drinks are on the counter, the rest of the food is ready to go into the oven and all of the presents are under the tree. You, my darling, have nothing to panic about." He said and kissed me before standing up and stretching, letting out a yawn. "And I've been awake since five so god help me get through today." He groaned, rubbing his face with his hands, silver tinsel still limply hanging around his neck. "But it will all go according plan-" His promise was interrupted by the sound of the fire alarm buzzing and the small of smoke filling the room. He looked at me, laughed awkwardly and then ran to the kitchen. I stood and followed him, peering into the room and at Ricky who was fanning our turkey which had somehow managed to catch fire. It was typical, really.

"Oh yeah, all going to plan." I said and he looked over at me, shrugging.

"We can just give that bit to your mum, it's fine." I laughed at his comment and then went over to open the window and patio door, Reedus immediately thundering down the stairs and heading into the snowy garden, rolling around and happily barking. "I'll pop down the shops, they're bound to have something left." Rick said, coming over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist, hands resting on my bump. I placed my hands on top of his and smiled, looking out to the garden.

Even with the chaos that my life had become, I wouldn't change a single moment of it. Not the clumsy ginger fool I had married and not the job I had wound myself up in. It may not have been my dream, but it was my reality and I adored it.

I wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
